


Just Kids

by TheRestIsDrag95



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Domestic Violence, Drag Queens, Drug Use, F/F, Family Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Katya Zamolodchikova - Freeform, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian AU, Lesbian Trixie, Mental Health Issues, Misogyny, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Poverty, Romance, RuPaul's Drag Race References, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Single Parents, Smoking, Step-parents, Substance Abuse, Teen Angst, Teen Pregnancy, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Trixie Mattel - Freeform, Underage Smoking, lesbian katya, rpdr, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 18:43:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 66,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13576653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRestIsDrag95/pseuds/TheRestIsDrag95
Summary: Katya hated home. She hated how her pantry never had anything on the shelves, how easily screams and bottle shattering echoed through the narrow halls, and how few places there were to hide when things got scary.The only thing that she didn’t hate, was how close it was to her best friend, Trixie.





	1. Lunch Money

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! 
> 
> Decided to get over my fear of embarrassment and publish my first ever Trixya Fanfic :) I don't have a ton of experience writing stories, but I've been having a lot of fun with this, and wanted to share it with others. I have several chapters drafted and plan on updating regularly. PLEASE READ THE TAGS CAREFULLY. Some of the chapters will contain some heavy topics, and my intention is never for this fic to upset anyone. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think! 
> 
> \- Maddy

2009 

Trixie and Katya lined up, one behind the other, along with close to 70 other ninth graders waiting for lunch. The room reeked of mass produced frozen pizza and burgers, but their stomachs didn’t care, especially Katya, who thanks to her empty pantry, hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday. 

The two joked about their crazy substitute as they, at last, entered the cafeteria kitchen and grabbed their trays. Both moved slowly down the line as they told the kitchen staff which items they wanted. Katya piled hers with two slices of cheese pizza and every side and vegetable offered in the line, knowing full well this might be her only meal before tomorrow. Trixie followed suit, and got the exact same thing, knowing Katya might not be able to even have what she was getting. 

Katya got to the register and handed Tempest, the cafeteria cashier, her lunch card, anxious about whether or not she had enough to pay. 

“No money, again, Ms. Katya?” Tempest asked as she swiped the card and the words denied in bright green letters flashed repeatedly on the register screed 

“I’m sorry.” Katya said looking down at the food stained floor. “I told my parents yesterday. I guess they forgot.” 

“I understand, sweetie, but I can’t let you take this food. This would be the third time this week.” 

“What if I paid for it?” Trixie interjected, waving her small plastic lunch card towards Tempest, “My parents just reloaded mine. I know I have enough for both of us.” 

“Trixie you know the rules,” Tempest explained, “You can only use those cards on yourself.” 

“But-“ Trixie tried to argue. 

“I’m sorry, girls.” 

Tempest reached out her hands as Katya reluctantly gave back her food filled tray, and in exchange, was handed a bright pink piece of paper with the words “Out of Lunch Money” printed in big, bold type. Katya could hear girls snickering as she grabbed the paper from Tempest. She then quickly shoved it into her left jean pocket before walking out of the kitchen, to the back of the cafeteria where she and Trixie always ate. 

Trixie joined her shortly after carrying her tray own tray and two sets of plastic utensils. She plopped her stuff down next to Katya who was scribbling rapidly all over the back of her lunch slip. 

“Oh wow,” Trixie exclaimed as she looked down at the drawing of Katya hitting, what she assumed was Tempest, with a giant pizza gun. “I brought you these.” 

Trixie slid the utensils along with a napkin towards Katya. 

“Trix, its fine.” Katya said shoving the items right back. “That stuff is yours.” 

“Kat, look at all of this.” Trixie says gesturing to her two slices of pizza, garlic roll, broccoli, side salad and sugar cookie. “There’s no way I could eat all of this one my own.” 

Katya glanced down once again and quickly grabbed a slice of pizza before the lunch monitors could see them sharing. 

“Aw not the pizza.” Trixie teased as Katya begins taking a bite, and then spitting it back into her napkin. 

“Sorry, you can have it back.” Katya said, trying to hand Trixie that napkin and grinning from ear to ear. 

“See this is why no one else will eat with us.” Trixie said flatly, before bursting into a fit of laughter. 

Katya smiles as she picks her pizza back up and takes the largest bite Trixie has ever seen. She knew this was probably the first thing Katya had eaten since lunch yesterday, and it made her sad to even think about anyone treating her best friend like that. 

“Hey, you should come over to my house after school today!” Trixie exclaimed, “My grandma sent me this stupid croquet set for Christmas, and she’s going to kill me when she shows up for Easter in three weeks and, one, it’s not opened, and two, I still have no clue how to play it.” 

“I don’t know how, either.” Katya said breaking off half of Trixie’s sugar cookie. 

“I know that, stupid,” Trixie replied, rolling her eyes, “But it’ll be more fun to learn together. Also you could stay for dinner. My mom’s making tacos and I’m sure she’d let you take some home in case, you know…” Trixie said looking down at Katya’s lunch slip. 

“You know you don’t have to do that Trix,” Katya said breaking off pieces of her cookie half, but only pacing them on the napkin. 

“No, you’re the one saving my butt.” Trixie explained, leaning forward, attempting to make eye contact with her friend. “If I have to sit through one more dinner of my mom grilling me on that “C” I got in gym, I’m going to set the house on fire.” 

“Maybe that’s why you’re grandma thought you needed that game.”   
Trixie let immediately let out a screaming laugh that echoed all throughout the cafeteria. Some of their classmates snickered and the cafeteria monitor gave them the side eye, but neither of them cared. They loved being the annoying weird kids together. It gave them a sense of pride and solidarity ever since they were little. 

After school the girls got on their school bus and headed over to Trixie’s. Katya loved being over there so much more than her own home. Trixie had two sober parents who loved each other, plenty of food, and people that treated Katya like something other than a burden. Trixie’s house was just a short walk from Katya’s, so she would go over there so often that the house almost felt like her own when she was there. 

“Hi girls!” Trixie’s mom greeted them, sitting at their kitchen table, as soon as the two waked in. 

“Mom, Katya is staying for dinner and promised to teach me croquet.” Trixie rambled quickly before throwing her stuff on the floor, without any regard for where it should go. 

“Katya knows croquet?” Her mom asked looking up from her laptop. 

“Nope!” both girls chirped before running downstairs to the basement and grabbing the cobweb covered croquet set from the back storage area.

The girls headed outside to Trixie’s front lawn, and worked together to open up the box. Inside were all the wooden mallets, balls and arches the girls assumed were necessary to play, along with a small instruction sheet. Katya grabbed the sheet from the box and began folding it up like a paper airplane. She then started throwing it across the lawn while Trixie laughed and rolled her eyes. Trixie admired how she was always so comfortable just being herself. Katya continued to throw it harder and harder until it accidentally landed on one of the top branches of the tree in front of Trixie’s house. 

“Oh that’s really nice, Kat. Now we’ll never learn how to play.” Trixie said looking at the instruction sheet that rested ten feet above her. 

“Trixie Mattel, you are my best friend in the whole world, but I can name few things that are worse than playing croquet in your front lawn to please your grandmother.” Katya laughed, “Just tell her it never came with instructions.” 

“Yeah okay, fine.” Trixie said taking a seat in the grass. “Now what?” 

“I don’t know,” Katya says walking around Trixie, taking a seat directly behind her. “Can I braid your hair?” 

Trixie nodded and Katya went to work sectioning pieces of Trixie’s thick waves, and turning them into beautiful French braid pigtails. As Katya braided, Trixie picked the yellow dandelions that surrounded her in the grass and tied them together to create a long chain that she then attached to create a headband. Katya finished her pigtails and looked down at the bright yellow chain in Trixie’s lap. 

“Oh my god you’re such a dork!” Katya giggled as she picked up the creation and placed it on the top of Trixie’s head. It rested nicely against her newly finished braids. 

“How does it look?” Trixie asked jokingly, framing her face with her hands. 

Katya smiled sweetly and looked into Trixie’s bright blue eyes. The sight of her made sweet 14 year old Katya’s heart flutter. She had always thought her best friend was pretty, but for some reason this felt different, and she didn’t completely understand why this was happening now. It didn’t scare her though, because to her, being with Trixie was the only time she felt truly safe. 

“Adorable.” Katya said simply, as the two friends stood up, and headed inside the house.


	2. Girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snow day = Getting a chapter edited way sooner than anticipated :) 
> 
> I'm so glad you guys are liking this so far. Your comments mean so much. This one is a little bit of fluff, but I promise it sets up a lot for the rest of the story. P.S. Bonus points to anyone who knows the TV show reference in this chapter!

2006 

The idea of liking girls was never something Katya was too afraid of. After all, her mom married a boy and it turned out horribly. Why should she be ashamed of not liking boys, herself?

She had her first crush last year on Violet, a girl in her fifth grade class. Violet was on the tween dance team, had the prettiest black hair, and an infectious confidence that made Katya head over heels. At first she just thought she saw Violet as cool, unique and interesting. She just wanted to spend time with her and earn her validation because she really wanted to be friends with a popular girl. She quickly found herself, however, getting excited every time Violet walked by her in the halls, or stood behind her in line. She never told Trixie, though, and that had always been the one secret she had ever kept from her best friend. Trixie’s family was much more conservative, and even though she didn’t think Trixie would care, she didn’t want to do anything that could jeopardize her relationship with her, or the rest of her family. That all changed, however, a year later, in sixth grade, when she and Trixie were flipping through the channels in Trixie’s basement, and stumbled across a reality show on MTV that neither of them had watched before. 

“This must be one of those dating shows my mom watches.” Trixie said watching the opening credits flash on the screen. 

“Cool let’s watch!” Katya said grabbing the remote out of Trixie’s hands and placing it on the coffee table in front of them. 

“Only for a few minutes though…” Trixie warned her, “I don’t want my parents to come downstairs and see us.” 

The show began with a girl who had shoulder length red hair stepping off a big black bus. 

“Hi. My name is Fame, and I’m a makeup artist from the Big Apple, with a hidden talent for clucking. 

A fact list about Fame flashed on the screen. 

“See Trix?! You think where we live is bad? This girl grew up on a chicken farm!” Katya said pointing to the second fact on Fame’s list. 

“I’ll never whine about that broken neighborhood swing set again!” Trixie laughed. 

“Can you imagine? You going into a chicken coop every day collecting eggs before school?” Katya laughed, giving Trixie a small nudge. 

“No but I can imagine you stealing them, hiding in a bush and throwing them at everyone walking to the bus!” 

“I would! I really would!” Katya said, laughing hysterically, waving her arms around. 

The girls quieted down as the show continued. 

“I’m looking for someone who cares about makeup, beauty, and making me look good.” Fame said, walking gracefully towards the camera, “the rules for my dates are simple. Everyone on that bus has the duration of the date to impress me. If I don’t like what I see, I send them back to the bus before the date is over. Each rejected date collects a dollar for each minute they lasted. If a date manages to last the whole time, they can either take one dollar for every minute, or be offered a second date, without getting to keep that money.” 

“Why do girls like her even go on these shows?” Trixie asked, turning to Katya, “Don’t try and tell me this girl has so much trouble getting a boyfriend that she has to resort to this silly bus show.” 

Katya smiled and nodded, keeping her eyes on the screen. Trixie was right. Fame was beautiful. She was wearing a black lace tank top that fit her body perfectly, and a cute denim mini skirt that stopped just below her butt. She had very sharp, intense facial features, and a full face of the most glamorous makeup Katya had ever seen. She reminded Katya of Violet, the way her confidence showed with every deliberate movement. 

The show narrator came on saying that the first date was coming off the bus. Suddenly the camera shot zoomed in on a pair of strappy tan heels walking down the steps of the bus. The camera then slowly zoomed out on a pretty, young blond, wearing a white, floral sundress. 

“Hi, my name is Pearl, and I’m also from the Big Apple, meaning if you choose me, we wouldn’t even need a Uhaul!”  
Katya and Trixie stared blankly at the screen as Pearl waked over to meet Fame. 

“….She, she likes…girls?” Katya asked, trying to mask the smile forming on her face, “She’s so pretty, and glamorous, and she likes girls!” 

“Lower your voice, Katya!” Trixie whisper yelled, grabbing the remote from the coffee table, “I’m turning this off. We aren’t even supposed to be watching this.” 

“Trix, come on,” Katya said gently trying to put her hand down. 

“No. What if my mom came down and thinks-“ Trixie says, shanking, making the remote move back and forth in her hands so rapidly, she looked as though she may drop it, “We’re that.” 

Trixie’s face turned as white as a ghost. Her hand was still shaking, but the rest of her was as stiff as could be. She looked down into her lap, avoiding all eye contact with Katya. The room was silent, except for the TV noise in the background. The show was still going on and Fame and Pearl were sitting in a park, eating and discussing their shared interests. Katya sat there for a minute, watching the two girls once again. She smiled seeing how happy and beautiful they looked together. She then looked over at Trixie, who was still unable to even look at the screen. 

“Trix…?” Katya finally said softly, learning forward slightly to try and get her on eye level, “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.” Trixie whispered, almost inaudibly, continuing to look down. 

“Do,” Katya began, “Do you like girls?” 

Trixie flinched, taking in what her friend had just asked. Katya could see her lips trembling, and her arms folding tighter, and tighter in front of her, as if she was trying to conceal as much of herself as possible. 

“No.” Trixie finally stuttered, softly, tapping her feet together repeatedly, a habit she often demonstrated when nervous. 

“Okay,” Katya nodded slowly, taking in a deep breath before saying, “Because, I do.” 

Trixie immediately looked up at Katya, a mix of shock and confusion flashed across her face. Katya just shrugged silently, unsure of what to say next. It felt nice telling someone, though, even if she still wasn’t completely sure how Trixie felt about it.

A minute had past, and the girls were still sitting in silence, as a dog food commercial played on the screen.

“I think I might too.” Trixie finally responded quietly. She took a deep breath and went on to explain, “Sometimes, I can’t stop smiling when I see a pretty girl walk by me at the mall. I always hoped it just meant I liked their outfits, but,” Trixie shrugged, sadly, not wanting to finish her sentence.” 

Katya put her hand on top of Trixie’s and looked directly into her eyes. She didn’t say anything, but the look she gave, showed Trixie she understood exactly what she meant. 

“I pray to God about it, you know.” Trixie said, rolling her eyes, as Katya rubbed away a small tear under Trixie’s left eye. “I thought he was supposed to fix things. I don’t know why he won’t fix this.” 

“Maybe because he isn’t supposed to.” Katya offered, before giving her a gentle smile. “Maybe, this is exactly what he wants.” 

“But it’s not what I want.” Trixie argued back, “I want kids one day. And a wedding with a pretty white dress, and this is messing all of that up for me.” 

“Trixie,” Katya smiled putting her arm around her, and pulling her in close enough for Trixie’s head to rest on Katya’s shoulder. “You still will. Liking girls isn’t going to change any of that. I promise.” 

“I hope you’re right, Kat.” Trixie sighed.

Katya began running her fingers through the ends of Trixie’s hair, as she continued to lean against Katya. Katya could hear her breathing begin even out and even felt a small smile form along the cheek that was still pressed against her. She knew nothing she could say would make everything better right now, but she was happy that Trixie had someone she could share this with, and was selfishly a little relieved that Trixie finally knew about her. She couldn’t imagine losing Trixie over anything, but especially not something like that. The two sat silently, watching the screen as the show began coming to an end. 

“Pearl, we’ve been on this date for forty-five minutes, earning you a total of forty-five dollars. You now have the option to take the money, or agree to go on another date with me,” Fame explained, she and Pearl still sitting on the blanket. 

“Gee, forty-five dollars is a lot of money, but I’ve had a really great time, so Fame, keep that money, because I’d love a second date with you, and those chickens.” 

The two hugged and the camera zoomed out on the park, as the credit music played in the background. 

“See?” Katya said, her arm still around Trixie, “They’re just like us.” 

“Yeah,” Trixie said, smiling a little wider, “But, just promise you won’t tell anyone? I don’t want people knowing right now.” 

“I won’t if you won’t” Katya promised, sticking out her pinky finger, and tapping Trixie’s hand with it. 

“Deal.” Trixie said, as she followed Katya’s lead, both girls shaking on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Feel free to follow my tumblr the-rest-is-drag95 to see the rest of my trixya trash :)


	3. Stepdad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready for another sweet, little, fluff chapter? Good. Me neither. In all seriousness though, this is where those fun content warnings start to apply. I hope to continue handling these subjects with as much care as possible. Enjoy and let me know what you guys think. As I mentioned, this is my first fic so I'm totally open to any feedback :)

2009  
Katya stayed at Trixie’s for as long as she could, following the girls’ failed croquet game. She had dinner with Trixie and her parents, and following dinner, the two girls played on Trixie’s backyard trampoline until the sun started setting, flipping through a stack of teen magazines as the sky began turning a burnt coral color. It was nearly nine o’clock when they heard Trixie’s back door open and saw Mrs. Mattel standing in front of it. 

“Girls!” She called out from the deck, “It’s time for Katya to go home now!” 

“No it’s not, mom!” Trixie called back as the two girls started giggling. 

“Trixie, it’s almost nine and neither of you have even touched your homework.” 

“I moved it to the side when you asked me to set the table…” 

“Trixie.” Mrs. Mattel warned her, looking more irritated as she narrowed her eyes, slightly. 

“Katya can just stay here and do it,” Trixie offered. 

“Trixie, you know that never works,” her mom replied, shaking her head. “Katya is more than welcome to come back tomorrow, but I’m not letting either of you continue to avoid your homework for the rest of the night.” 

The girls exchanged sad glances at either other, grabbed the magazines they had scattered around, and reluctantly exited the trampoline. The girls walked back into Trixie’s house and Katya grabbed her black sweatshirt and bright red backpack before slipping both on. 

“Oh, Katya,” Mrs. Mattel said as Katya headed to the front door, “We had some extra tacos from dinner. I put those and some of the rice in your middle backpack pocket.” 

“Thanks.” Katya smiled before walking sheepishly out the front door, embarrassed that she constantly needed handouts. 

Katya walked down the Mattels’ driveway and up the street to her own house. 

“With any luck, he’ll still be at the bar.” Katya thought to herself as she got closer. 

She turned the corner onto her street and saw her stepdad’s beat up green Honda in their driveway. Katya’s heart sank, and a rush of cold filled her body as she stopped walking, and put her backpack down to dig for her old silver flip phone. She pulled it out and immediately texted Trixie. 

“He’s home. I don’t wanna go in.” 

She waited a minute awaiting a response, before she realized Trixie probably wasn’t allowed to text while doing her homework. She reluctantly put her phone back in her bag, and walked the rest of the way to her house. 

Katya’s house stood out as having the least upkeep in the neighborhood. The grass in front of her house had dead, yellow patches all over it, the small garden out front was nothing but a plot of overgrown weeds, and only half of her outdoor lights worked, giving the entire place a dark undertone. 

Katya slowly walked up her driveway, into the garage, and opened the door that led out into the living room. She tried to stay quiet but realized it was hopeless when she saw her stepfather sitting on the couch with beer bottles scattered around her coffee table, and a porn movie playing on the TV screen. 

 

“Where the fuck have you been?” her stepdad asks, not taking his eyes off his movie. 

“I, um, I was with Trixie.” Katya replied, nervously, wishing she hadn’t put her phone away. 

“Fucking dyke.” Her stepdad muttered before grabbing the closest beer to him and taking a sip. 

“What?” Katya asked, moving closer to where her dad was sitting 

“It’s what she is, isn’t it?” He replied, taking another sip. “No girl hangs around you as much as she does without having a reason.” 

“She’s my best friend.” Katya tried to argue, but her stepdad had already turned his attention back to the movie. 

He sat quietly, as high pitched moans blasted from the TV speakers. After a few seconds, he turned his attention back to Katya, as his eyes moved up and down, scanning her entire body. 

“You’re too pretty for that shit.” he chuckled, taking yet another sip. 

Katya backed away a few steps, and almost instinctively zipped up her jacket. 

“You’ve got the pretty blond hair, cute little legs, cute little face,” her stepdad rambled. He then stood up from the couch, and stumbled his way over to her. He stopped directly in front of Katya, grabbing a small strand of her hair and twirling it around in his finger. “If you were like her, how could we have so much fun together?”  
Katya looked down at her gray carpet floor, doing all she could to avoid eye contact. “Do you think you need a refresher?” he asked, placing his other hand on her shoulder, slowly moving it down, stopping on top of her breast. 

“I have a lot of homework, and mom gets off work soon.” Katya replied shaking, still looking down. 

Just then her stepdad immediately took his hands off of Katya and kneeled down to meet his eyes with hers. His breath reeked of cheap beer and cigarettes, and his face filled with drunken rage. 

“Then what the fuck are you still down here bothering me for?! Beat it!” he replied before shoving Katya back, away from him, and into the living room wall. She wasn’t hurt badly, but she was still wearing her backpack that made a small black scrape against the ivory paint. “Now look what you did!” her stepdad said pointing at the wall before walking back to the couch. 

Katya rushed upstairs to her room and threw her backpack onto the floor. Her room was small, with ugly lime green walls that she had covered with drawings and poems she had written throughout the years. 

Katya took her phone out and saw a new text from Trixie. She immediately dialed her number, without even bothering to look at the message. 

“Hey! Are you okay?” Trixie asked in a whisper voice. 

“I guess,” Katya replied monotonously. 

“What happened?” Trixie asked, picking up the sadness in Katya’s voice. 

“Just the usual,” Katya said, sighing. “He was super drunk, and touched my boob. He tried to do more, but I was able to get away this time.” 

“That’s disgusting. Trixie replied, although seemingly unphased by what she was hearing. 

“Why is he always like this, Trix?” Katya asked, breathing heavily with her voice slightly raised. “He’s always drinking, and all it does is make him angry and want all that stuff.” 

“Katya, you really need to talk to tell someone this.” 

“No.” Katya replied back immediately. “It won’t do anything and it’ll just make it worse. Imagine what he’ll do if he found out I told someone.” 

“Yeah, but imagine what could happen if you don’t.” 

“Trixie, drop it!” Katya yelled, before taking a breath and calming herself down, “Sorry. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s not as bad as I make it sound, I promise.” 

“Okay,” Trixie agreed, knowing from experience that there was no point in pushing it any further. Trixie could hear Katya start to cry on the other end of the phone. It wasn’t heavy, just that soft whimper that breaks your heart, even if you can only hear it. 

“Is your door locked?” Trixie finally asked after letting Katya cry for a minute. 

“Yeah.” Katya said, following a loud nose blow. 

“Great. Then you should be fine, right? Just do your homework to take your mind off it. That math sheet has, like, twenty problems.” 

“Ugh.” Katya whined dramatically. 

“And it’s double sided!” 

“Ahhh!” Katya whisper screamed into the phone.

Both girls giggled softly. Katya could then hear Mrs. Mattel’s muffled voice in the background. Her heart sank a little bit, knowing what that probably meant. 

“Hey, my mom wants me to get off now, but I’ll see you in the morning,” Trixie explained. 

“Okay.” Katya said half-heartedly 

“Shh,” Trixie Whispered, trying to comfort her, “and let me know if you figure out number five. Even my calculator is confused.” 

“Gosh. Will do.” 

The girls said their goodbyes and got off their phones. Katya opened up her backpack and immediately saw the food Mrs. Mattel had left for her. Katya put the container down and started to cry again. She couldn’t understand why Trixie’s parents loved her so much more than her own. The Mattels’ treatment of her was something she always struggled with. Although she appreciated everything they did for her; giving her food, allowing her to stay at over as often as she did, without even knowing half of what was really going on, it also made her feel extremely guilty. It wasn’t their job to do that, and she always worried that she was a bothering them, even if they never made it out that way.  
Katya dug around her backpack some more, and finally pulled out her purple math folder. The homework was covered front and back with word problems, just as Trixie had warned her. Katya knew she’d be up for hours working on it, which usually meant she would be forced to hear her parents fighting, once her mom got off work. Katya’s mom worked at a 24 hour fast food restaurant, which meant that during her work days, she wouldn’t get home until at least eleven, and would spend the rest of the night drunkenly fighting with her stepdad until they inevitably passed out or had sex. It was a pattern that was predictable, but never got any easier. 

Katya worked on her homework for the next hour and was still only half way done, when she began hearing the faint roar of the garage door. It didn’t take long for her to hear bottles opening and arguing beginning. Katya couldn’t always make out exactly what was said, partially due to them being a floor below, and partially due to her stepfather’s drunken incoherence, but it sounded like their usual banter. Her stepdad would scream about Katya’s mom being too stupid, fat, and lazy, and her mom would fight back, yelling at him about getting drunk and blowing all of their money on drugs and booze. 

Katya tried to focus on her homework while words like “fucking jackass”, and “Fat, old bitch” echoed throughout the house. An hour later, with over half of her homework completed, the screams and slaps had turned to moaning, thumping, and excited screeches. It was the ending that happened all too often, and the part Katya least understood. When it came to her and her dad, he would always remind her, that that was how she’d know he still loved her, and that it was their special time together. She didn’t like it of course, but it was something that had been ingrained in her since she was little. Her stepdad was always even meaner to her mom. She wondered if something like that had been taught to her mom at some point as well. 

Knowing that her parents would probably be too distracted to notice, Katya put her work down, took out the food from her bag, and quickly tip toed downstairs to put it in the refrigerator. Her parents were on the other side of the house at that point, so they had no clue she was even down there. As she opened the door, she heard her dad call out that her mom was hot and sex, a far cry from some of the things he says about her the rest of the day. Not wanting to be around it any longer, Katya quickly shoved the container in the back of the fridge, placed a few things in front of it, and ran back upstairs to put her work away and sleep, deciding she would finish tomorrow in between classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) feel free to follow me on Tumblr (the-rest-is-drag95) for more drag related stuff.


	4. Home Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :) unfortunately no more snow is predicted here for a while, so the updates might be a little less frequent since I'll have less free time. I hope you guys like this, it was a fun one to write. As always, you can follow me on tumblr as the-rest-is-drag95 for more drag-related fun! 
> 
> \- Maddy

2009 

That next day, Katya actively avoided the topic of what had happened after she left Trixie’s, like she had many times before. Trixie mentioned it once or twice in between classes, but Katya did her usual, minimizing the severity, acting as if she had blown things out of proportion. It was extremely frustrating, and saddening for Trixie.   
After school that next day, the girls went back to Trixie, with the house to themselves for the entire evening. Trixie’s parents were spending the evening at the local dinner theater, and had permitted Trixie to have Katya sleep over since they would be out most of the night. The girls ended up in Trixie’s bedroom, blasting 90’s pop music, arguing over Trixie’s willingness to smoke a cigarette. 

“Come on, Trix! This was your idea and now you want to be the one to back out?” Katya asked, holding the box, and moving the cigarettes in the package up and down, “You said today at school that you wanted to do something rebellious while your parents are out, and here it is. What are you afraid of?” 

“Cancer, shortened life span, bad skin.” Trixie listed, sitting stiffly on her bed, watching Katya play with the package. 

“Oh, I think it’s a little late for that last one, Trix,” Katya teased. 

Trixie grabbed one of the pillows from her bed, and threw it at Katya, causing her to drop the box, causing all of the cigarettes fall and scatter across the bedroom floor.   
“You bitch!” Katya shouted.

Katya then picked up a handful of cigarettes and threw them at Trixie, as she tried to block them, using her pillow as a shield. Katya got closer and closer towards Trixie, until she was standing at the edge of her bed. She tried to gently shove her against her mattress, but ended up pushing too hard, causing both girls to fall back into the bed, one on top of the other. Both girls started laughing, remaining in the same position. Finally, the pair stopped laughing, and just laid there looking at each other. Katya noticed the unfamiliar expression on Trixie’s face. Her smile read nothing but pure bliss and contentment, but her eyes, were still heavy with fear of what she feeling. Katya’s smile was soft, but more certain. She wasn’t worried, or scared of anything that was to come. She just loved being this close to the girl she trusted more than anyone. 

“Oh god…” Trixie finally spoke, deliberately looking away from Katya. 

“What’s up?” Katya asked as she rolled off of Trixie, and on to the other side of her bed. 

“Nothing,” Trixie exhaled, now looking up at her ceiling, “It’s stupid.”

“Come on, Trix,” Katya said hugging both of her arms around Trixie’s waist. “Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.” 

Trixie was silent for a minute, as Katya still held on to her. Katya had a feeling she knew what this was about, but she wanted to let Trixie bring anything up on her own. 

“Can,” Trixie paused, “Can you pull me in a little closer? It feels, nice,” Trixie said, nervously. 

Katya tightened her grip, and slid Trixie closer, pressing her chest against Trixie’s back. 

“Like this?” Katya asked softly. 

“Yeah, I like that.” 

Katya could tell that Trixie was smiling. She wasn’t sure what exactly was happening, but she liked it, whatever it was. She loved getting to smell Trixie’s rose scented shampoo, getting her blond hair in her face, and the feeling of how they felt against each other. The girls lied in silence for several minutes, barely making any movements, as the faint sounds of the radio acted as white noise. Finally, Katya spoke up, with Trixie still in her arms. 

“Trixie, can we talk about this?” 

“Sure…” Trixie responded, pulling herself away from Katya’s arms, and rolling on the other side, towards her, so that the girls could look at each other. Her face read scared, almost as if she was ashamed of what they had just done, “Did you want to start?”

“Yeah, um, you make me happy, Trixie,” Katya whispered, with all the sincerity in the world. “I don’t know what this is or what you want, but I know that I like it, and-“ 

“Kat…” Trixie slowly interrupted Katya’s rambling, “Please stop.” 

Trixie pushed herself up on her bed and positioned herself, sitting up on her bed, with her back against her headboard. 

“What?” Katya asked, her heart beginning to race with worry, “Why?” 

Katya followed her lead and propped herself up against the other end of the headboard.

Trixie looked down at her lap, silently playing with the bottom ruffles of her bright pink skirt. Katya could see her lips trembling, as a couple of tears hit her skirt fabric. It gave Katya flashbacks of when they first came out to each other as kids. 

“Trixie,” Katya said softly before resting her head on Trixie’s shoulder. She stretched her left hand across Trixie’s back and over to her other arm. She began stroking her hand up and down it, trying to calm her down. 

“I can’t, Katya,” Trixie spoke, breaking her silence. “I like it, I really, really do, but I don’t want people to know I’m like this.” Trixie rolled eyes, realizing what she said. “God, I can’t even say the stupid word. It’s like saying it, adds another level of reality to it, you know?” 

“Aw,” Katya opened her arms for Trixie to crawl into, “Talk to me, Trixie. Tell me what you’re scared of.” 

“All of it,” She admitted, “people thinking I’m gross, or something, having to eventually tell my parents. I’m scared.” 

“Ok then,” Katya said, nodding. “I won’t do anything you don’t want.” 

Katya loosened her grip and slowly scooted Trixie away from her lap. 

“It’s not even that I don’t want to,” Trixie explained turning her head around to face Katya’s, “It’s just…” 

“I’m a girl.” Katya nodded. 

“Yeah.” Trixie said sadly, playing with her skirt ruffles again. 

“And you’re a girl.” 

“Last I checked,” Trixie said softly, attempting to make a joke. 

“Come back here.” Katya giggled, as she grabbed Trixie’s waist and set her on her lap. 

Katya was shorter and the smaller built of the two, meaning Trixie barely fit in between Katya’s legs, but both girls liked it that way. Trixie, one of the tallest in her grade loved someone treating her as fragile and petite, and Katya enjoyed feeling like a small, powerful force, especially with how little control she often felt she had in her life.   
Katya wrapped both arms tighter around Trixie’s waist, and leaned in, planting a small kiss on her back before resting the side of her head against it. 

“Is this you trying to change my mind?” Trixie chuckled, placing her hand on top of Katya’s, rubbing her thumbs up and down her knuckles. 

“Does that mean you like it?” Katya asked, kissing her back once again. 

“Of course, honey.”

Katya perked up and turned her head towards the side of Trixie’s face and smiled, her heart beating a million miles a minute. 

“What was that?” Katya teased. 

“Shut up, you heard me.” Trixie smiled, squeezing Katya’s hand a little tighter. Trixie felt Katya’s thighs squirm against her bottom. “Oh gosh. I should get off. My butt is   
practically crushing your stupid chicken legs,” Trixie said, with slight honesty. 

“No, no, it’s fine.” Katya said smiling, “I just like having you close like this.” Katya paused, “hey if I lean back, would you be ok?” she asked nervously, stuttering over her words, “I promise I’ll still hold on to you.” 

Trixie nodded her head and Katya leaned back, squeezing Trixie tightly the entire time. The two girls laid horizontally on Trixie’s bed, with Trixie’s back still pressed against Katya’s chest. Both girls fitted nicely into each other once again. 

“My sweet little Trixie.” Katya whispered into her ear, as the two laid together. 

Trixie giggled and lifted both of Katya’s hands off of her and rolled off, placing herself next to Katya, on her right side. The two girls turned facing each other, while Katya thumbed Trixie’s bright rosy cheeks and smiled. Trixie moved her feet closer to Katya, and the two started tickling and bumping each others’ feet under the covers Katya smiled, cupping Trixie’s face in the palms of her hands. 

“Stop making me want to kiss you,” Trixie joked, eyes fixed on Katya’s. 

“I’m not!” Katya squealed, as she inched a little closer to Trixie’s face and added, “But if you want me to do it, I’d be ok with it.” 

“Yeah?” Trixie asked, wrapping her arms loosely around Katya’s neck. “I think I’d like that, too.” Trixie admitted.

Katya leaned in, pressing her lips against Trixie’s. Katya could taste the sweet bubblegum flavor from Trixie’s lip gloss, as she pressed her lips harder. Katya’s stomach felt like it was about to explode as she placed her hands on Trixie’s hips and pulled her entire body close enough to touch her own. 

“Wow,” Trixie exclaimed, sliding her hands down, placing them on Katya’s shoulders. 

“I know,” Katya replied, unable to control her smile as she rubbed up and down Trixie’s hips, “It was even better than I imagined, she blushed. 

“Wait,” Trixie asked, pulling back just enough to no longer be pressed against Katya, “You’ve thought about this?” 

Katya said nothing, just giggled, staring directly at Trixie. 

“Okay, good,” Trixie said, pulling Katya in this time. 

“So what now?” Katya signed, her voice getting heavier. 

Trixie hugged Katya close, as if she just realized what she had done, as she buried her head in Katya’s. She shook her head, while Katya placed a small kiss on her cheek, whispering a string of comforting words as Trixie just laid in her arms, shaking slightly, and taking long, heavy breaths. They stayed there for a minute before Trixie, turned her head slightly to the side, and she began to speak. 

“I,” Trixie paused, as if methodically planning out every word she was going to say next. “I like this. I like how soft your hands feel placed in mine, I like how that kiss made me feel like I could literally cry from being so happy, and I like the way you put your arms around me, and hold me like everything will be ok.” 

Katya eyes became misty as she pulled Trixie up to meet her, placing another small kiss on her lips. She had never had anyone say something like that to her before, and she honestly couldn’t believe it was coming out of the person who knew her better than than anyone else in the world. She wanted to stay in this state forever, where Trixie didn’t feel plagued by the pressures of conforming to a certain type of love and relationship, and where Katya’s problems at home were just a distant memory, and no longer mattered as long as she was with Trixie. But, as soon as Trixie spoke again, her voice becoming sad, she knew this fantasy would soon be ending. 

“But,” Trixie continued, “I can’t have anyone know this. My parents would be so embarrassed and ashamed that sweet little Trixie, who goes to church, and wants to grow up and be a mom, and teach kids, is, you know, gay.” 

Trixie closed her eyes as that last word she said stung and echoed over and over again in her head, each time more painful than the last. Katya was at a loss of what to say. She felt guilty knowing that her sexuality was never the same torture it had always been for Trixie. She wished she could make Trixie understand how not alone she was, and how many people could be like them and still get everything they wanted out of life. But she knew that despite her efforts, and how much time she could spend with her, showing her how much people outside their town didn’t care, that they wouldn’t be enough to convince her, at least for the time being. 

“Well,” Katya began, “What if people just didn’t know?” 

“Huh?” Trixie said, pushing herself up on her bed, looking confused. 

“Well, it’s not like anybody knows about this.” 

“And they’re not going to.” Trixie added, her tone more serious. 

“Right,” Katya reassured her, “But what I mean is, if they’re not going to find out about this, why would they be able to find out anything, as long as we’re careful? I mean, gosh Trixie, it’s not like we talk to anyone else.” 

“I have other friends,” Trixie half-heartedly argued, cracking a small smile. 

“Right,” Katya rolled her eyes, chuckling slightly. 

“Hey,” Trixie said, mouth and eyes widening, “Ginger and I got paired for our lab today, and she commented that my makeup looked less pathetic, so step aside, bff.”

“Ginger hates your guts!” Katya said, finally in full laughter, shaking her head.

“Yeah,” Trixie sighed, “She thinks I’m childish.” 

“You’re not! You’re just unapologetically you,” Katya giggled placing one of Trixie’s loose hair strands behind her ear, “It’s one of the many reasons I like being around you.”

Katya wrapped her arms around Trixie’s waist once again, and pulled her down, so the two could lay facing each other, once again. Katya smiled placing a soft kiss on Trixie’s forehead. 

“Well,” Trixie said, looking at Katya, proudly, “I guess I did do something rebellious after all.”

“An objectively better act, too,” Katya added 

“Oh yeah,” Trixie, said, remembering the cigarettes, “You can have those if you want.” 

Trixie looked down at all the cigarettes still spilled across her carpet floor. Katya nodded and let go of Trixie, pushing herself up and scooting herself to the side of Trixie’s bed. 

“What now?” Katya asked, her feet swaying back and forth, too short to touch the floor. 

“Movie?” 

“Contact?” 

“DIFFERENT MOVIE...” Trixie glared, “Now pick up your fags.” Trixie joked, pointing to the floor. 

Katya jokingly moaned, before slowly placing one foot at a time onto the ground 

“Hurry up so we can watch Contact.” Trixie said reluctantly. 

Katya’s face lit up as she grabbed the black and blue decorated box off the floor, and began scavenging around for as many uncrushed cigarettes as she could find. The girls spent the rest of the night snuggled up together watching Contact. Trixie loved seeing how happy and excited Katya got while watching this movie. She had seen it so many times, that she could mouth practically the entire script from memory. After the movie had ended, the two girls laid in her bed, chatting about anything and everything, until they eventually drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms.


	5. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is fun! 
> 
> Hey guys! My schedule has gotten significantly busier this week, but I really wanted to get another chapter out. This is more of a chapter that sets up other stuff, so it's kind of short, but I hope you guys still enjoy it :) Follow me on Tumblr at The-Rest-Is-Drag95 for more drag related shenanigans!

2009

Katya awoke the next morning to the smell of homemade pancakes coming from floor below, and the weight of Trixie’s body curled up in her arms. She smiled remembering everything that happened last night as she heard light snores coming out of the taller blond. She soon began to feel Trixie wiggle in her arms, and let out a long sigh before turning to face Katya, smiling up at her the entire time. 

“Hi, honey,” Katya said sweetly, loving how easy it already was to speak affectionately towards her, “I think your mom has pancakes downstairs. Whenever you’re ready, we can head down.” 

“Aw, that’s so sweet of her,” Trixie mumbled, still not fully awake, “You feel nice.”

Katya giggled, leaning into her slightly, “So do you, Trixie.” 

“No regrets from last night?” Trixie asked worriedly, beginning to become more conscious. 

“Of course not,” Katya replied, definitively. 

“Good,” Trixie smiled, still snuggled up close to Katya, “What time is it anyway?” 

“9:30,” Katya responded, looking over at the clock on Trixie’s white nightstand. 

“Ugh,” Trixie whined, “Guess we better get up.”

Trixie scooted away from Katya and pushed herself up from her bed. She walked over to her closet to grab her bathrobe, and Katya couldn’t stop admiring the way the sun reflected off of Trixie, and how her skin glowed, standing beside her window. She watched intensely as Trixie put one arm and then the other through her hot pink robe, and fluffed her wavy curls out a few times before returning to sit on the foot of her bed. 

“Get up, loser,” Trixie teased, clearly noticing Katya’s stares. 

She smiled gently pulling Katya by her hand out of bed. Katya stood up and placed her other hand in Trixie’s palm, and gently swayed both hands from side to side, looking into Trixie’s beautiful blue eyes. 

“We need to go down stairs, Trixie chuckled, “Stop trying to distract me.” 

Trixie slowly placed a small kiss on Katya’s lips, and pulled back still blushing. 

“Now, who’s distracting,” Katya joked, rolling her eyes. 

“Sorry,” Trixie laughed, “It’s just really hard not to! Especially since we can’t do that down stairs.” 

“You’ll be okay,” Katya reassured her before opening Trixie’s bedroom door, and holding it for Trixie to exit. She followed her out, and the two of them walked down the steps to  
Trixie’s kitchen. 

“Morning!” Trixie’s mom called out from the kitchen as the girls entered. She was standing at the sink scraping food parts off of a frying pan, “there are pancakes over there if  
you’re hungry.” 

A small stack of chocolate chip pancakes sat on the counter space next to the oven. Trixie grabbed a plate for both herself and Katya and they each plopped a handful of cakes onto their plate before walking over to the kitchen table. Katya grabbed the bottle of syrup, squeezing enough on her plate to practically drown them. Trixie spread a small scoop of butter on hers and the pair began eating. Katya could feel gentle bumps and touches against her feet while Mrs. Mattel went into the other room. She looked up to see Trixie grinning slightly, and followed suit, tapping hers and rubbing the side of her foot along Trixie’s ankle. 

“Oh, Trixie!” Her mom exclaimed coming back into the room. 

A sudden rush of fear hit Trixie like bricks, as she immediately yanked her foot away from Katya’s. 

“Yes?!” Trixie responded, a little too startled. 

“Don’t forget to call Mrs. Davis today about church.”

“Oh,” Trixie, said relieved, before realizing she had no idea what her mom was talking about, “Wait, why?” 

“Trixie,” Her mom said slightly irritated, while walking over to the table, “We talked about this. You want to ask Mrs. Davis about volunteering in her Sunday School class.” 

“Right,” Trixie said scooping another serving of butter from the container, “I’ll get right on that,” She stated sarcastically. 

“Trixie Barbara Mattel,” Her mom’s voice raised as Trixie scrunched her face at the sound of her middle name, “Mrs. Davis is practically handing you this opportunity, and giving it  
a chance is the least you can do. Don’t you want to teach someday?” 

“Not Sunday School…” Trixie mumbled, stuffing a pancake in her mouth.

Katya wanted to laugh, but she knew better than to get on Mrs. Mattel’s bad side about anything church related, especially considering what they did in her house last night. 

“Well it’s something, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, fine, I’ll do it,” Trixie responded to shut her mother up. 

“And you know,” Trixie’s mom added, going back to the dishes, “Mrs. Davis has that son of hers that helps down there, too.” Her mom’s tone more playful, “It might be a nice way to get to know him better.” 

“That’s a really nice idea, Trix,” Katya offered, but was quickly shot a glance by Trixie, telling her it was the wrong thing to say.

Once they were finished with breakfast, the girls went back up to Trixie’s room so Katya could gather her things before going home. 

“What was that?!” Trixie demanded, scrunching up the black leggings Katya wore yesterday and tossing them in her unzipped bag. “I don’t want anything to do with her son!” 

“Well I’d hope not,” Katya said, walking over, hugging her from behind, “But that’s not exactly the impression you want her to have, is it?”

“True,” Trixie admitted, flopping onto her bed, “With any luck, he’s actually as deep in the closet as I am.”

“Or will just find you incredibly repulsive,” Katya teased, plopping herself next to Trixie. 

“Just like you do, right?” Trixie rolled towards Katya, tone flirty and eyes sparkling. 

Katya placed her hands on either side of Trixie’s cheeks and kissed, first her forehead, and then her lips. 

“Gosh,” Trixie said holding onto Katya, “It’s gonna suck not seeing you the rest of the weekend.” 

“Trix, we’ve spent weekends apart before,” Katya chuckled, smoothing out Trixie’s soft blond hair.

“Yeah, but,” Trixie sighed, “Now it’s different. And it’s not like I’ll be doing anything particularly fun anyway.” 

Trixie’s family had planned on spending the rest of their Saturday at a local craft fair, so Trixie’s mom could spend more money on items that would end up collecting dust, and then most of Sunday with friends at their church. Katya gave Trixie one more quick hug, and headed out of Trixie’s room.

“Hey,” Trixie stopped Katya before she could head downstairs, “please text me if you need to.” 

Katya nodded slowly, understanding what Trixie was referencing, but still continued to walking down the steps without saying anything else.


	6. Sunday Funday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Finally found some time to post this one (trying my best to make them a bit longer from here on out, as well lol) Thank you guys for all the encouragement. As I've said a hundred times, it means so much. No school tomorrow, so hopefully the next chapter will be up shortly! Enjoy and have a lovely rest of your weekend. 
> 
> Feel free to follow The-Rest-Is-Drag95 on tumblr for more drag-related content <3

2009

Trixie found herself the next morning in a basement classroom surrounded by 12 eager preschoolers, Mrs. Davis, and her son, Nathan. The room had a light blue carpet, a rocking chair, several short round tables, and tons of toys for the kids to play with.

“Ok, children,” Mrs. Davis called, ringing her tiny red jingle bell to get the students’ attention, “I need everyone to gather around the carpet so that we can begin our day.”   
Mrs. Davis sat herself in the wooden rocking chair, while Trixie stood awkwardly in between her and Nathan, as the children crowded in front of them. 

“Why is she here?” a small redheaded girl asked, pointing up at Trixie. 

“Oh yes!” Mrs. Davis cheered, gesturing over at Trixie. “For those of you who don’t know her, this is Ms. Trixie. She will be joining us on Sundays from now on. Doesn’t that sound like fun?” 

The children cheered and Mrs. Davis began reading them a picture book with a bright purple Easter egg on the cover. While Mrs. Davis was reading, Trixie and Nathan went to work taping up a giant paper cross to the closet door. The placement felt uncomfortably poetic for Trixie. 

“Here, let me give you a hand,” Nathan offered, pressing the top of the cross in place. “This thing is like, seven feet tall,” he joked, placing the tape back in the supply bin. 

Nathan was the kind of guy that, even if she weren’t gay, wasn’t particularly appealing to her. He had sandy blond hair that was cut and styled perfectly, and wore rectangular glasses and a really unfortunate navy blue sweater vest that clashed with his coral shirt underneath. Personally, Trixie didn’t get what all the fuss was about, but he did fit in perfectly with the other, seemingly squeaky clean teens that went to their church. Trixie had of course seen Nathan around for years, but this was the first time they would be spending a considerable amount of time together. Trixie was usually too focused on getting home to see Katya, to bother hanging out with the other kids her age. 

“We better wipe these tables down before the kids come over here!” Nathan said opening up one of the drawers. He pulled a small container of baby wipes and handed one to Trixie, before grabbing one for himself. “We just use these.” 

“It smells like childhood.” Trixie joked, attempting to scrub a marker stain off the plastic table top. 

“Wait until we pull out the playdough” Nathan chuckled. 

“So what’s the cross for anyway?” Trixie asked, tossing her wipe in the trashcan. 

“Oh, today we’re gonna talk about Jesus being nailed to the cross.” Nathan responded nonchalantly. 

“And we’re doing that how, exactly?” Trixie asked, eyes widening looking over at the children, and then back to the cross. 

“Well, each kid is going to draw a picture of something in their life they did that they shouldn’t have,” Nathan explained, “and then we have to tape their pictures to the cross. You know, to show them that Jesus died for their sins.” 

“…I see,” Trixie said, watching the innocent faces of the Sunday School students. 

"Yeah," Nathan said proudly, "It's not a perfect metaphor, but it covers basics."

She knew what it felt like as a young girl, walking around, believing she was inherently bad, and that there would be consequences for being who she was. It seemed almost cruel to instill those thoughts at such a young age. 

“Um, isn’t that a little bit morbid?” Trixie asked grabbing one of the marker boxes and placing it on the short circular table. 

“Not as morbid as Hell.”

Trixie started giggling before looking over at Nathan’s deadpan expression, realizing this boy was actually serious. She stopped laughing immediately and collected herself enough to mutter, “You got me there,” desperately trying to hold back her eye rolls. 

Trixie was practically silent for the rest of the class, not wanting to say anything that could rock the boat. She had always viewed herself as a religious person, but the shame and sinning was something she had trouble getting behind, especially now. Perhaps if she had been raised without so much emphasis on religious consequences, she wouldn’t be so conflicted about what had happened last night. Her heart ached seeing stick figure drawings of kids eating candy they weren’t supposed to, or not sharing the sandbox toys. Trixie left as soon as the class was over, not saying much, hoping they wouldn’t want her back. Unfortunately, however, Trixie’s little display about that cross wasn’t enough to keep Nathan from bothering her. 

After Sunday School and the service, all the families gathered upstairs in the main hall for coffee and donut holes, as they did every Sunday. Trixie picked up a chocolate one from the tray and was stopped by an eager, grinning Nathan, while walking back to her parents. 

“Hey there, Trixie,” Nathan smiled, carrying a powdered sugar donut. 

He took a bite that caused bright drops of the white powder to fall all over that blue vest of his. He looked down in embarrassment and quickly shoved the rest of the donut in his mouth. 

“Uh, thanks for letting me hang in the class with you guys,” Trixie said, hesitantly, as Nathan coughed aggressively, trying to swallow the rest of it down. 

“Yeah no problem! The kids really liked you!” Nathan laughed nervously, clearly humiliated by what was happening. “Say, what are you doing Friday?”

Trixie’s heart began rapidly beating. Her parents would be out again, and Trixie had really wanted to do something special for Katya, but, of course, she couldn’t let him or anyone else know that.

“I have plans with a friend,” she responded vaguely. She could see the disappointment on Nathan’s face, and quickly added, “Why? What’s up?” 

“Oh a group of us get together every week at that restaurant down the road. It’s fun, and Friday is trivia night so we could use you on the team,” Nathan began to smile and added,   
“Plus, it’d be cool to spend some time with you outside of church.” 

Trixie forced a half smile, knowing she had absolutely no intention of playing trivia with Nathan and the rest of his friends. She started seeing out of the corner of her eye, Trixie’s mom, along with some other church ladies watching and smiling at Trixie and Nathan’s interaction. She knew she couldn’t let them think that the idea of Nathan was totally repulsive, so she softened her face a little, and looked up at Nathan’s eyes, more flirtatious. She could see Nathan getting more excited, and she began feeling guilty. It wasn’t his fault that she couldn’t find him attractive, and it certainly wasn’t fair that she couldn’t let her family think that. 

“Um, that actually sounds fun. Can I let you know later this week?” Trixie asked, pretending to giggle and express interest. 

“Sure thing!” Nathan responded, clearly more infatuated with her than she realized. Trixie thanked him once again for the invitation and headed over to her mom, who was beaming from ear to ear. 

“Isn’t he a cutie?” Trixie’s mom whispered as all of her mom’s friends began crowding around her. 

“So when’s the wedding?” 

“Has he asked you out?” 

“You two will make an adorable couple.” 

They all chimed in one after the other. It made Trixie sick to her stomach. 

After church, Trixie’s family, along with a few of Trixie’s parents’ friends all went out for Sunday lunch, a weekly tradition in the Mattel household. They always went to the same local place that was the quintessential small town restaurant with a farmers market attached on the outside, decor stuck in the 1950's, and like most places in town, plenty of screaming kids. All of her parents’ friends were older though, so she never had anyone close to her age to talk to. 

Trixie and Nathan seemed to be a huge highlight for everyone that afternoon at lunch. Trixie wondered how sad their lives had to be for this non-existent relationship to be the main topic of conversation. She never longed for Katya more than she did that afternoon, not only because of the Nathan situation, but because this was the kind of thing she wished she could experience with her. Whenever any of the other teens started seeing someone, they would bring them along to the different functions, and everyone would try to make them feel as welcomed as possible. It sucked knowing something like that could never happen to her and Katya. 

She sat quietly eating her open faced turkey sandwich as the people at her table at last found something new to obsess over. Something about the state of the football team once the seniors graduated next month. Whatever it was, Trixie couldn’t care less. 

Uninterested in the conversation, Trixie’s eyes started wandering around the dining room, looking at the nicely dressed families, laughing happily, with their husbands, wives and kids, clearly there for the same reason Trixie’s table was. Trixie had been here a million times before, but this time felt different; it was more repressive and constricting. She had no idea last night would make her see things through an entirely different lens.

After lunch, the Mattel’s said their goodbyes to the rest of their group, and drove over to Walmart so that Trixie could find a dress for the holidays, or, from her mom’s perspective, something to impress Nathan with. The store was filled to the brim with people and families who had nothing better to do, with almost everything else being closed on Sundays. It didn’t have the best clothing selection, but it was usually one of her only options with the nearest mall being forty five minutes away. 

While her dad went to wander the automotive isles, Trixie and her mom headed to the clothing section in the hopes of finding something suitable enough to wear. They started out in the teen section, sorting through racks of light colored patterns, and floral prints, nothing particularly eye catching to either of them. After ten minutes of little success, Trixie just assumed they call it quits, when they came across a lace, robin egg blue dress in the back clearance rack. The dress was a sleeveless one that poofed out slightly in the skirt, with a thin brown belt attached. 

“I can just try it on at home, there’s probably a line for the changing rooms anyway,” Trixie said, hating how self-conscious she got, trying things on in front of her mom. 

Appearance was way more important to her than it was for Trixie, so going shopping could sometimes lead to her feeling incredibly scrutinized and aware of every flaw. 

“Absolutely not.” Trixie mom said firmly, “We’re not making the trip all the way back here to return one little dress.” 

Trixie reluctantly headed into the changing room to please her mother and get this shopping trip over with. She stepped into the dress, got it all zipped up and turned to the mirror to see how it looked. 

Trixie wasn’t one to get particularly excited over clothing items, but even she had to admit that this dress was a good one. The belt helped to hug the newly forming curves on her body perfectly, and the skirt flair made her look like a cute little sixties housewife, opening up a little bit when she twirled around. She started imagining wearing it for Katya, knowing how much she would like it. She envisioned showing up with it on a date or being in it while cuddled up with her, in her bed. The thought of how big her reaction would be made her smile. 

“Trixie?!” Her mom called out from behind the door, bringing her back to reality, “What’s the verdict?”

“It’s good!” Trixie called back quickly, hopping her mom would let her leave it at that. Even though she thought her mom would like it, she still wanted to avoid the public humiliation in the middle of Walmart. 

“Well come on out so I can see it!” 

“Fine,” Trixie sighed before opening the door realizing there was no point in arguing. Her mom beamed as Trixie stood there uncomfortably in between the sock and lingerie section. 

“Oh Trixie, look at you!” her mom smiled, “You’re becoming a young woman!” 

“Um, yeah, cool.” Trixie said, wishing this would all stop. 

“Nathan will be so surprised when you show up to Easter in that!” 

Her mom couldn’t go twenty minutes without bringing up his name, entirely unprovoked. Trixie smiled uncomfortably and headed back into the changing room to put on her old, yellow blouse, hoping that would be the last time his name was brought up, and knowing full well that was just wishful thinking.


	7. Paris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been a minute, but this week went from completely uneventful, to total chaos literally overnight. All that aside, I am so excited to be back with another chapter. 
> 
> Side note, in regards to the French, I took classes on it in high school, never had much of a chance to practice it after, and lost basically all of it (welcome to how schools teach Foreign Languages in America lol). Anyway, apologies in advance if some of the French is off. I did double check everything on google, but of course, that's never completely reliable either. 
> 
> Enjoy, comment, all that Jazz. Feel free to follow me on Tumblr (the-rest-is-drag95) for more drag related fun <3

2009 

“I wanna take you out,” Trixie whispered excitedly, pressed up against the locker next to Katya’s, hugging her books, “on like, a real date.” 

“Aw, but I wanted to go to the land of make believe,” Katya teased grabbing her binder and slamming her locker shut. 

“Ha, ha,” Trixie said rolling her eyes, “I’m serious, what should we do? 

“I don’t care, Trix,” Katya said smiling, as the two walked together to their class, “Anything you come up with will make me happy.” 

“Ugh, fine,” Trixie pretended to whine, “you’re impossible.” 

They both laughed quietly as the two headed into their French class, Katya favorite subject, and Trixie’s least favorite subject. 

“Bonjour, Katya!” their teacher, Madam Max greeted her, as she did with each student every morning. 

“Bonjour, Madam Max, comment ca va?” 

“Ca va bien!” Madam Max said excitedly, then looked over at Trixie, as if bracing herself for the inevitable disappointment, “Bonjour, Trixie. Comment ca va?” 

“…um, hi,” Trixie mumbled with her head slouched over, avoiding eye contact as she walked into the room. 

“French, Trixie, French! It’s April!” she heard her teacher call out to her from the doorway, “Katya, I’ll give you an ‘A’ on every assignment for the rest of the year if you can get that girl to say something!” 

Trixie could see Katya laughing at her from her desk, as she opened up her spiral to start today’s warm up. Trixie began doing what she did every morning, looking up at the board, and tracing the question as slowly as possible, so that she wouldn’t have to come up with some answer she didn’t have, while she waited for her teacher to go over it as a class. She looked up at the sentence “Quest-ce que vous avez fair hier?”, and began taking her sweet time copying. Beside her, Katya sat there writing away, coming up with an entire paragraph. French had always been Katya’s best subject. Her accent was easily mistakable for someone actually from the country, and it wasn’t uncommon for Katya to stay after school, and get extra practice on things they didn’t have time for in class. Trixie, on the other hand was always determined to be the first one out and wait on the other side of the isle for Katya, making a point to spend as little time in there as possible. 

Katya looked over at Trixie, who was only half way through writing their teacher’s morning question. 

“Trix?” Katya said, eyeing her notebook, “Do you need me to translate?” 

“Sure,” Trixie said, slamming her pencil on the notebook, “Why are you so good at this?” 

“I don’t know,” Katya shrugged, beginning her second paragraph, “I like languages. They can take you places you never could actually go to. It’s like you can feel the history and culture in the different words and grammar.” 

“Except that nobody even uses it here,” Trixie complained, her worksheet still empty. 

“I warned you that Spanish might be easier,” Katya chuckled. 

“But here, I have an in class translator, Trixie said, smiling cutely, siding her blank spiral closer towards Katya. 

“She’s asking what you did yesterday,” Katya said, teasingly shoving her spiral back at her, before continuing to work on her own. 

“How do you say, Sunday School Nightmare?” Trixie asked before Madam Max went to the front of the board to go over the assignment and start the day’s lesson. 

This was the part where Trixie would usually put down her pencil and wait for others in the class to give her the answer. She knew she probably should try harder, but she saw it as useless, considering that she had only been to four other states, let alone go anywhere that actually spoke a different language.   
After a few kids, including Katya, gave their answers, Madam Max projected a Powerpoint slide with pictures of various Parisian landmarks. Madam Max then opened up her iTunes and began playing slow, French music out of her computer speakers. 

“Today, much to the relief of some of you,” Madam Max began, glancing over at Trixie, “we will be taking a break from French to discuss a very special opportunity you, as rising sophomores will have next year.” 

Madam Max hit the space bar, and a photo montage of candid teens skipping and laughing down the streets, couples from their high school placing locks with their initials on the Pont des Arts, and groups of friends sitting together, surrounded by coffee and pastries at an outdoor café played up front. Trixie looked over at Katya, whose eyes widened with wonder. She had been to even fewer places than Trixie, and so desperately wanted to escape the confines of their small, narrow minded town, to see what she had been missing all this time. 

“Each year, French students in the sophomore, junior, and senior classes have the opportunity to spend five days of their Spring break exploring the beautiful city of Paris,” Madam Max explained. 

A slide flashed on the screen listing some of the trip specifics including a day trip to Palace of Versailles and shopping in Saint Germain. 

“I wanna go to Disneyland Paris…” Trixie said, a little too loudly as it appeared on the list, causing some of those around her to snicker. 

“You uncultured swine!” Katya whispered, placing her hand on top of Trixie’s, only briefly, then removing it before anyone could notice. It made Trixie’s stomach flutter slightly, leaving her desperate for more. 

Madam Max went on to explain that this trip had a high but reasonable cost, and flashed a pretty hefty total on the screen. Katya glanced up at it for about two seconds. Then flipped to a fresh page in her notebook, and began to draw a beautiful quick sketch of the Arc de Triamph. It amazed Trixie how she could do, what others would work for an hour to accomplish, in a matter of seconds. 

Trixie knew that if Katya was having trouble filling her lunch card, there was no way she could find the money for a trip to Paris. She also understood that although she was better off than Katya, her father’s mechanic salary would hardly be able to fund five days in Europe. It was disappointing, but both girls understood their finances enough to not be terribly torn apart by something this small. 

Trixie glanced over again at Katya’s drawing. She had added some background scenery, with a few trees and cars, along with two tiny people right in the center holding hands. Trixie couldn’t help but laugh at how cheesy, but incredibly cute it all was. 

Katya glanced up from her picture, noticing Trixie watching her every move. She blushed and nudged Trixie gently. 

“Jokes on them,” Katya whispered to Trixie, pointing at what was supposed to be both of them in the picture, “We already went.” 

“Yeah,” Trixie said softly, her voice just flirtatious enough for only Katya to pick up on, “The city was incredible,”

“But not as incredible as Disneyland Paris,” Katya said, teasing Trixie once again. 

The girls turned their heads towards each other and smiled, completely ignoring Madam Max’s slide about airline options being considered. Nothing was said because it couldn’t, but both knew what the other was feeling. They couldn’t wait until the next time they were alone, and could hold and kiss each other the way they wanted to. 

After school, the girls were walking home from their bus stop, when they saw Trixie’s mom’s red minivan round the corner. The vehicle slowed to a stop right beside them, and the front window rolled down to reveal a hurried Mrs. Mattel in the driver’s seat. 

“Trixie, get in! We’re going to Party City,” Mrs. Mattel ordered as they continued to stand there blankly with their backpacks, “Well, get in before another car comes!” 

Trixie had been looking forward to spending time with Katya all day, but telling her mom that would just make her appear unhealthily co-dependent, without knowing the context behind it. Instead, she said one of the most pointless things she could have in this situation. 

“But Katya’s here,” 

Katya even looked over at her, confused as to what her thought process was using that as a justification. 

“And she’ll still be here when we’re back. What kind of argument is that?! Hurry up.” 

Trixie shrugged toward Katya, then rolled her eyes at her mother before walking around to get in the front passenger seat. This happened every time a major event or holiday was happening at the Mattel household. Her mom became a wannabe Martha Stewart and had them running around so she could pretend that that was how her family was all the time. 

They got to Party City and Trixie took it upon herself to wander the isles alone, while her mom analyzed every single item sold in the Spring and Easter sections. Trixie headed to the mask section and took pictures of several horror movie masks to send to Katya. She then checked over to see her mom comparing two different Easter baskets and continued browsing. It amazed her how many different party themes this place was prepared for, as she walked past the disco, Hawaiian, and Casino night sections. She walked a little further down the theme isle, and began seeing pink plates decorated with an Eiffel Tower, café signs, and napkin sets with French phrases printed on them. It was then that Trixie knew what to do for their date on Friday. 

Trixie grabbed a set of the plates and napkins, along with two sets of battery operated tea candles and went to the checkout, hoping her mom would be too distracted with shopping, to notice her sneaking these into the car. She quickly shoved a $20 bill at the cashier, looking back every few seconds to make sure her mom’s attention was still on the store merchandise. As soon as her change was distributed, Trixie practically yanked the bags off the counter, not looking ahead at the customer two feet away, and heading directly towards her. Trixie collided with the other woman’s cart, causing a loud, metal clang as her bag bounced off of the front. Trixie quickly apologized, but the noise was loud enough for her mother to look up from what she was doing and call Trixie over to make sure she was okay. Trixie, slowly walked back, as her mind began racing, deciding what story she could quickly fabricate, without too many questions from her overly involved mother. 

“What’s all this?” Mrs. Mattel asked noticing the white plastic bag in Trixie’s right hand.

“French project.” Trixie blurted out quickly. We’re, um, working on restaurant scenes.” 

“Mhm,” Trixie’s mom nodded slowly, clearly unsatisfied with that explanation. “Why is this the first time you’re mentioning this? And why didn’t you just put those things in the cart with everything else” 

“I just wanted to show some responsibility, okay?!” Trixie responded, a little too defensively, throwing the bag into the cart, “Here. Now it’s with everything else.” 

“What’s gotten into you lately, Trixie?” Her mom demanded, irritated of Trixie blatant mocking and overall attitude. 

“Mom,” Trixie said, trying to calm herself, and drop this subject all together, “I just told you it’s for French.” 

“It’s not just this stuff,” Trixie’s mom went on to explain, “You hardly said a word at lunch yesterday, you act like that Sunday school class was the worst thing possible, without telling anyone why, and it was like pulling teeth trying to get you into the car this afternoon.” 

“Yeah, but-“ 

“Is there something going on at school?” Her mom asked, tone softening. 

“Um, yeah, sort of,” Trixie blindly responded.

“Tell me.” Her mom said, now filled with worry and concern. 

“Well,” Trixie began, hoping another, calmer story would just as easily appear from her mind, “French has been really hard, and it’s been stressing me out a lot this week. And this project really needs to be good.” ‘

“Aw, honey,” Trixie’s mom sympathized, bringing her in for a hug, “you should have told me.” 

Trixie immediately felt bad lying to her mom, but it was better than having her find out what the stuff was really for. 

“Yeah, and the thing is,” Trixie went on, pacing herself to find the perfect explanation, “Katya’s great at French. She was actually going to, um, tutor me this afternoon.” 

Even Trixie was impressed with how easily she came up with that one. 

“I would have understood that Trixie,” 

“I guess I just didn’t want you to worry,” Trixie said, voice saddening, but for a completely different reason than what her would assume. 

Trixie had a massive amount of guilt that weighed on her the rest of the shopping trip. Not to mention, she now had to worry about generating a fake project, and would have to deal with her mom constantly on her case about her French grade. She found herself envying every strait person, who didn’t need to come up with elaborate stories just to stay in the closet. 

Once they were back in the car, Trixie took out her phone and saw three new text messages. She opened her inbox, irritated and disheartened by the fact that all three were from Nathan. 

3:42 PM: Hiya, Trixie. It’s Nathan. My mom gave me your number. I just wanted to see about Friday. Let me know  

3:46 PM: So we were just in a dead zone and lost service. Let me know if you didn’t get the other message  

3:48 PM: You know what. Maybe calling would be easier. This is my number if you want to do that. 

Trixie closed all messages without responding. It was weird, however, that Katya had never texted back. Trixie checked the time from when her pictures were sent and realized that nearly two hours had passed, something unusual for her, given how inseparable they had been, especially lately. Perhaps if she didn’t know as much, she wouldn’t have cared, but because Trixie knew virtually everything about Katya’s home, she worried about her a lot, possibly more than she should. 

Trixie checked her phone every two minutes on the ride home, despite having the phone volume all the way up. Each time it was the same, empty inbox. They turned into their neighborhood and Trixie looked out the window, noticing Katya’s stepdad’s car, and both garage doors open. 

Trixie sent another text asking Katya is she was there, and still didn’t receive a response. She distracted herself the rest of the night by doing homework and planning some of the details for her date night. She decided that since neither of them could afford the French trip, she would go off of Katya’s drawing and recreate a French evening for the two of them. Her only issue was her lack of attentiveness left her completely blank on the execution, and forced her to rely almost exclusively on Google to actually make this possible.   
She went on her family’s computer found recipes for Croque Monsieur and quiche, and looked up places to buy French bread and Madeleine cookies. She also printed out large pictures of some of the places the students would be going to on the trip. She couldn’t wait to see Katya’s face when she saw everything Trixie was planning. 

At 9:00, Trixie finally saw her phone light up, with Katya’s name flashing against the calling screen. 

“Hey,” Katya said, sounding almost shaken up on the other end. 

“Hey!” Trixie said, relieved, but still concerned, “Did you get the pictures I sent?” 

“Yeah!” Katya said, starting to cheer up. “I want that Pennywise mask for next Halloween.” 

“Do it!!”

“Then I can hide in that corn field by school and scare some football players walking home from practice!” 

Trixie laughed a little before continuing, “Hey what happened this afternoon?” 

“What do you mean?” Katya asked nervously, “I was busy. Now I’m calling you back.” 

“Kat, you don’t have to lie to me,” Trixie said, soothingly, “I know you don’t like to talk about stuff, and I get that, but I want you to realize you never have to worry about telling me anything. That’s part of what dating is for.” 

“I know that. Trust me, Trix, I do,” Katya said, sounding like she truly meant it, “But right now there’s nothing to tell.” 

The next day after school, the girls managed to sneak down to make out in Trixie’s basement while her mom was at a PTA meeting, and her dad was still at work. Trixie laid on the carpeted basement floor facing Katya, with the lights slightly dimmed. As Trixie removed Katya dark blue sweater, covering up her graphic tank top, she noticed fresh bruises on each arm, and what looked like a hickey on the side of Katya’s neck. Her heart began to break, but she didn’t say anything, not wanting to ruin this moment for either of them. Besides, there was no point; she already knew exactly where they all came from.


	8. Wedding Bells

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! This chapter was a bit difficult to write, but I really hope you all enjoy it. Your positive reaction to this story has been incredible, and I'm so happy so many of you are into it. As always, follow me on tumblr, the-rest-is-drag95, for all that fun <3

2000 

Katya’s stepdad wasn’t always the monster he ended up becoming; or at least no one initially perceived him as such. When he first started dating her mom, Katya was so excited to have another adult around. He came into the picture during a difficult time; her mom was a twenty year old high school drop-out, working her days at Hobby Lobby, and her nights at Hooters, the only restaurant in town known for pretty waitresses in tight little uniforms. She worked practically every day trying, and failing to make ends meet for her and her four year old daughter. Her mom’s full work schedule meant that Katya was almost always left in the care of others. Katya hated never knowing when her mother would come home, or if she would be there in the morning when Katya woke up. 

Her mom and stepdad met at Hooters. He was a regular customer who always requested for the pretty blond waitress to serve him. He had a steady job as a heating and air technician and was ten years older than Katya’s mom. Every week he sat in the same corner table, wearing dirt covered blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and a Packers baseball cap.   
At first, he was just a regular customer that she would converse with when things got slow. He seemed extremely open, and trusting compared to most of the guys that showed up there, and was the only customer that actually took the time to learn about her as a person. Her mom had been on her own since she was fifteen, so it felt nice having some genuine attention from someone, which looking back, was probably why she was so eager to include him in their life. 

When Katya’s mom found out she was pregnant, her boyfriend at the time made it clear he had no interest in giving up his future, to raise a child with her in their dead end town. He spent the rest of her pregnancy denying that the baby was his to all of his friends, and moving on with his life, watching from the sidelines as the mother of his child struggled all on her own. Katya’s mom didn’t have the best support system herself, and felt she had no choice, other than to accept her fate, and be a victim of the vicious cycle of teenage pregnancy in her family. She left school two days before her due date, and never returned. It was just too hard for her to balance High School and newborn. She reached out to Katya’s father a few times following the birth, but he was so far removed from the situation by that point, that he didn’t even bother to come and meet her.   
Talking and spending time with Katya’s future step father was the first time her mom had felt truly wanted in a long, long time. 

“I wanted her to have better than me,” she would explain to him, wiping down tables, eyes filled with regret, “but school got so hard, and I couldn’t just get rid of her, you know? I mean, what if my mom had just done that with me?” 

As she would go on with him, detailing every aspect of her life, he would always nod, and listen intently, all the while, secretly seeing right through her vulnerability. 

She learned that he grew up only a few towns over, and went through a broken engagement just a few years earlier. He, from her mom's perspective, seemed, nice, stable, and exactly what she needed. Blinded by the idea of a better life, Katya’s mom didn’t need much convincing before agreeing to go out with him, desperately hoping he could be the husband she always wanted, and the dad she knew Katya deserved. 

Six months into their relationship, she introduced him to Katya, who loved him instantaneously. He would always offer to take her out for ice cream or to the park when her mom was working, and having an extra adult around meant Katya was spending less time in day care. Both of their lives changed dramatically for the better now that he was in it.   
They married a year later in a simple ceremony at a nearby public park. Her mom looked like a princess in her beautiful lace, and long stoned veil. Katya was asked to be the flower girl, and got to wear a puffy white dress and silk bow in her hair. She and Trixie became close that school year, and Katya’s mom allowed her to attend, so that Katya would have someone her age to play with. 

After the ceremony, Katya’s mom and new step dad had rented out the fire station ballroom for their reception. The room was decorated head to toe in different shades of purple, her mom’s favorite color. The couple slow danced to Time After Time, and Katya and her step dad surprised her mom with a photo slideshow featuring dozens of pictures of the three of them. It was the most beautiful fairy tale Katya could ever imagine. 

Unfortunately, not long after the wedding, everything slowly started to crumble. As with most situations similar to theirs, it didn’t happen overnight. At first, everything was simply about jealousy. Her stepdad would make off handed comments that she was receiving too much attention at work, and wasn’t focusing enough on their relationship. Soon those subtle comments would get louder and meaner, and were often accompanied by alcohol and drugs. Katya would spend countless nights hiding under her bedroom blankets, trying to block out the screaming. 

Any adoration he had left for her mother quickly dissipated, and within their first year of marriage he had grown sexually frustrated, and their home life became a vicious cycle of drinking, fighting, making up, and frustrated all over again, night after night. Katya would hear all of the horrible things he would say about her mom, and felt so powerless watching her silently take them. 

“Why do you let him do all of those mean things to you?” An innocent six year old Katya asked her mom one day, knowing her stepdad was out at the bar. 

“Do you wanna be one of those families asking for change on the freeway?” Her mom asked her, staring directly into her sad blue eyes. 

“…No” Katya replied, scared and shaken. 

“Then I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself.” Her mom said turning away from Katya, looking out the window with a half burnt cigarette in her hand. 

“But,” Katya argued, attempting to grab her attention once again, “Doesn’t it hurt you?” 

“Katya, raising you takes a lot of money that I don’t have.” Her mom explained, raising her voice, still not looking back at her daughter, “We should both be happy that he’s willing to help us, understand?” 

Katya nodded immediately and went back to her coloring book. 

“I don’t want you getting all upset over every little thing he does,” Her mom added, her tone more somber, “he doesn’t deserve that after all that he’s done.” 

Katya thought she saw a tear build up in her mom’s eye, but she could have been mistaken. After all, grownups aren’t supposed to cry the way that kids do. 

Four months later was the first time he put his hands on Katya. All three of them were sitting in their living room, watching The Wizard of Oz, Katya’s mom on their old reclining chair, and Katya and her step dad together on their couch, with a thick red comforter spread out to cover the two of them. Just as the screen panned to the witch’s feet squashed beneath the house, Katya suddenly felt a cool palm touch the upper part of her thigh. Katya made a small audible squeak, but was immediately shot an angry glance from her step father, warning her not to continue making any noises. 

His hand stayed under there the rest of the movie with the blankets concealing anything going on underneath.   
He would rub his hand slowly up and down her leg, inching closer and closer, until he began touching things Katya was always told never to show anyone. It made her uncomfortable, but she was scared saying anything would be detrimental for her and he mom, so she just let it happen.


	9. Into The Woods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Had a lot of fun writing this one as well. Life's been super stressful the last couple weeks, and this fic has definitely been a good outlet for all of that. I'm glad this is something so many of you are enjoying as a result. As always, let me know what you guys think, and follow the-rest-is-drag95 on tumblr <3

2009

Katya wore clothing with high necklines and scarves the rest of the week. She didn’t want people thinking anything was going on, even Trixie. Although, she was pretty sure there was no way Trixie couldn’t have noticed at some point already. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust her, but Trixie had this beautiful innocence about her that she couldn’t bring herself to destroy by getting her involved in her problems. It was just something that was easier to brush off as not that big of a deal, and frankly something she worried Trixie wouldn’t completely understand. There were days even Katya struggled with not knowing how much personal responsibility should be placed on her, or if she somehow gave him permission by just lying there and taking it. How could she possibly expect Trixie to understand that? 

On Friday the bruising had subsided enough that Katya was able to cover it up with makeup. After school, Katya went straight home to change and get herself ready for tonight. Trixie had given her virtually no details, other than to dress as nicely as she wanted. She put on a black lace dress that tightened and conformed to her entire body, and added some smokey eyeliner, and red lipstick. 

Trixie rang the doorbell at six o’clock on the dot. No one else at Katya’s was home so she didn’t have to worry about anyone getting in the way. She opened the door, and there stood Trixie looking like an absolute dream, in the most beautiful robin egg dress Katya had ever seen her in. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail, with her thick curls cascading on either side of her. Katya’s thin scrunched beach waves paled in comparison, but she loved seeing Trixie all dolled up. 

“Holy crap,” Katya managed to mutter, looking at the breathtaking beauty standing in the doorway. 

Trixie smiled bashfully, walking into Katya’s house as she stretched her arms out, pulling Trixie in for a kiss. 

“You’re so, so beautiful,” Katya whispered into her ear, still holding her close. 

Trixie placed her hands in between the curves on Katya’s body rubbing them gently up and down. 

“God, I could kiss you forever,” Trixie chuckled, placing short, quick kisses on Katya’s lips, “are you ready to go?” 

Trixie pulled away from Katya, heading towards the door, holding it open for her. Katya nodded eagerly as they headed out. 

Trixie led Katya down the long dirt path behind their neighborhood, and into the untouched woods. The girls stepped carefully avoiding any thorn bushes and wet leaf patches. 

“Are you plotting my murder?” Katya laughed as the girls walked deeper and deeper in. 

“Just come on,” Trixie smiled, reaching her hand out to help Katya over a fallen tree trunk. 

After ten minutes of hiking, the girls finally arrived at a grassy dirt hill that the two worked together to climb up. They arrived at the hilltop and Katya looked down to see a large pond with butterflies and dragonflies buzzing in the middle of it. 

“I thought this would be cuter than my backyard,” Trixie admitted grabbing Katya’s hand walking down towards the water. 

A series of short water plops followed as they got closer, probably from all of the frogs frightened by their presence. 

“It is,” Katya said turning to Trixie, surprising her with a kiss on her cheek. 

“Stop!” Trixie giggled, gently pushing her away, “You haven’t even seen the best part yet. 

Trixie walked her over to the other side of the pond, and Katya saw a pale pink blanket, surrounded the entire way around with electronic tea candles. On the blanket, was an entire French themed dinner for the two of them. Trixie had gone all out setting their places up like a dining room table, placing plates of homemade food around their blanket, and scattering tiny pictures of Parisian attractions like confetti on top of it all. It must have taken her hours getting everything together. 

“I know you were bummed about the French trip,” Trixie explained, “so I thought this would be fun. I know I’m not good at French, so for all I know this all just looks stupid, but-“ 

“I love it, Trix,” Katya declared, shaking her head in disbelief that anyone would work this hard to impress her, “I wanna kiss you so bad right now,” She whispered softly, placing her hands on Trixie’s cheeks. 

“Not here,” Trixie said seriously, looking down at the grass, “People come here to fish sometimes.” 

“Right, of course. Sorry,” Katya said immediately taking her hands off, and backing away, “Later though, right?” 

“Of course, baby,” Trixie smiled, appreciative for Katya’s understanding, but guilty that she couldn’t give Katya everything she deserved with this. “Oh, and if anyone asks. We’re   
filming a scene for French class.” 

Trixie reached into her purse, and pulled out a shiny pink cannon camera, placing it on the blanket. 

The girls sat down on the blanket and began eating, watching the cool spring breeze shake the grass and wild flowers that surrounded them. The girls chatted away about everything from drama neither of them were cool enough to actually be part of, to Trixie’s new job at Sunday School. As one conversation drew to a close, Katya’s tone became more serious. 

“Hey, Trixie?” Katya asked, putting down her half eaten Madeleine cookie, “What are we exactly?” 

Trixie inhaled, then exhaled a long sigh, looking over at Katya, unnecessarily worried for what her response would be. She knew this had to be coming, and frankly, although it scared her, she couldn’t think of anyone this would be less scary with. She just didn’t love the idea that eventually they would either have to break up or tell her parents. 

“Well, what do you want?” 

Katya’s smile softened as she looked across the blanket at the beautiful girl that put this entire night together just to make her happy. She had been dreaming of what it would be like to have her first girlfriend ever since she was old enough to be aware of her own sexuality, hoping whoever it was would be everything a relationship was supposed to be. It filed her heart knowing that was about to happen with her best friend in the entire world. 

“Trixie Mattel,” Katya asked, placing both of her hands on one of Trixie’s, giggling a little at how formal she was making this, “You have done nothing short of making me feel like the luckiest girl alive since stealing that red star eraser from me on our first day of Kindergarten. Would you want to maybe, kinda, you know, want to be my girlfriend?” 

“More than anything in the world,” Trixie smiled, tentatively placing her other hand on both of Katya’s. 

Katya could tell that the idea still made her kind of nervous, as if a romantic label somehow solidified her sexuality even more. That being said, she could also see how badly Trixie wanted this, and that was all that really mattered to her. 

After they ate, Trixie and Katya laid together in the grass, watching the sky change colors as the sun began to set. Sounds of frogs croaking and crickets chirping echoed throughout the woods as they stayed there happily. 

“Hey, what do you wanna do after this?” Trixie asked, turning over to face Katya. 

“I don’t know,” Katya chuckled softly, “Is there ever anything to do here?” 

“Nope,” Trixie said, focusing her attention back up at the darkening sky.

“God, this place sucks sometimes,” Katya’s tone growing bitter, as it often did when thinking too hard about how trapped a town like this made her feel, “No wonder everyone just gets knocked up or goes to church.” 

“Gross, you’re right,” Trixie said, smiling back, “you just described out entire town in one pathetic sentence.” 

“That was always my biggest fear, you know?” Katya said, tightening herself up a little, attempting to show a more vulnerable side of herself, that she knew she was lacking. 

“Thank God you’re a girl.” 

“Kat,” Trixie said, snuggling Katya, feeling safe now that the sky had darkened, “You’re way too smart to get pregnant, even if I was a boy.” 

“Yeah,” Katya whispered sarcastically, bringing Trixie closely into her, “I’m sure my mom said that same thing.” 

“Shhh.” Trixie said, comforting Katya, “Your life is going to be so much better than that, Katya. Both of ours will. Just wait and see.”

Katya smiled, half-heartedly, desperately hoping that Trixie was right. 

“Seriously, though,” Trixie said, beginning some wishful thinking, “What’s our plan once we get out of this place?” 

“Well,” Katya said, pushing herself up, seated criss cross, looking up at the stars and airplanes covering the sky, “We go somewhere cool like New York and San Francisco. You know. The kinds of places where people like us are normal.” 

Trixie looked up smiling, dreaming of a life as different as that, with people who wouldn’t see her, and be ashamed or disgusted. She could already picture her and Katya in some New York apartment, living among the most incredible people and getting to experience things neither of them had ever seen like famous art museums and real Broadway shows. Katya could go to Brighton Beach and Little Italy to learn language like Italian and Russian, and Trixie could find an outlet that actually made her happy. It all sounded almost too good to be true.

“Lets go back to my house,” Trixie suggested, no longer able to fight the urge to wrap herself all over Katya, “I want to be with you, just not-“ 

“Trix, I get it. It’s totally fine,” Katya reassured her, “I never want you to feel like you owe me any explanation. I only want what you’re comfortable with.” 

The girls gathered up the items that Trixie had brought, and headed back into their wooded path, with nothing but the moonlight guiding them through. Trixie pounced on Katya the second they heard the front door slam behind them, kissing every visible part of her. She led Katya upstairs to her room, and fell together with her into the bed, squeezing themselves against each other. Katya, now taking the lead, pressed her lips rapidly all along Trixie’s skin. 

“Honey,” Trixie whispered, quickly rubbing Katya’s back to get her attention, “Just a little slower. Come here.” 

Trixie rolled Katya slightly so that their eyes could meet. Katya paced both hands on Trixie’s hips and pulled her in tightly enough for both girls to touch. Katya loved the feeling of   
holding Trixie. She had very defined hips and curves that Katya could comfortably hold on to, without things feeling too boney. She much preferred that to girls with much thinner bodies like hers. 

“How did I get so lucky?” Katya smiled, pressing their torsos together before moving her arms up Trixie, eventually draping them around either shoulder. 

Katya leaned herself slightly forward, pulling her in for a kiss. The kiss started out sweet, then eventually got rougher, as both girls tightened their grip on each other. Their breathing rapidly increased, as Katya began biting down on Trixie’s lip, causing her to yip like a small dog. Katya continued kissing for a few more seconds, until Trixie pulled just centimeters away from Katya’s lips, still breathing quickly, clearly struggling to speak. 

“I’m sorry,” Trixie managed to get in between gasps, “I don’t really know how to do this.” 

“Trix, you’re doing fine. I’m honestly just making this all up, too,” Katya reassured her, trying to catch her own breath, “besides, since I’m leading, I think what really matters is what you think of me.” 

“Oh, you’re good,” Trixie laughed, her voice steadier. 

“Hey, can I try something?” Katya asked rubbing her hand all along Trixie, causing her to shiver with pleasure. “I promise we can stop if you don’t like it.” 

“Sure,” Trixie agreed, clearly feeling vulnerable. “Just tell me how I can be as good to you.” 

“You already are,” Katya smiled, placing a kiss on her forehead, “Here, let me try this.” 

Katya pulled Trixie into her with both girls facing each other. Trixie squeezed her tightly, their chests pressing into each other. Suddenly, Katya began moving her hands down Trixie’s back, and placing them on either butt cheek. Katya started squeezing her hands open and closed as she pressed their hips together. Katya could hear soft moans that Trixie was clearly trying to conceal, until letting a small squeak slip, from her throat. 

“So that was a good idea?” Katya giggled sweetly, pulling away just enough to speak. 

“Sorry, that was disgusting,” Trixie said, still panting as she tried to collect herself. 

“No it wasn’t,” Katya said rubbing up and down Trixie’s butt, “It just means you liked it.” 

“Duh,” Trixie teased.

Katya pulled Trixie in again, squeezing and kissing her harder and harder. Katya could hear more squeaks and moans coming from Trixie. Katya loved hearing how much she was able to please her, and being the reason for her satisfaction. 

After a few minutes, Katya rolled herself over, completely on top of Trixie. She once again pressed herself in, this time moving herself down more, sticking her face in between Trixie’s breasts, rocking the two of them back and forth. As Katya placed her hands on either breast, fondling them in her palms, she noticed that Trixie’s moaning had ceased, and felt her body tense up. 

“Kat,” Trixie finally whispered, “Can we go back to the other stuff…? I don’t think I’m ready for all of this yet.” 

“Sorry,” Katya called out, lifting her head up, to meet Trixie’s, “Did I do something wrong?” 

“Of course not,” Trixie said smiling, “It’s just going this far is a little too much for me right now. This. This would be my first time.”

“Trixie, you can be honest with me.” Katya said pushing herself up, hovering over her, “What am I doing badly?”

“What do you mean?” Trixie asked confused, “This isn’t about that. Just because I’m not ready, doesn’t mean I don’t like what we were doing.” 

“Trixie, honey, stop lying to me,” Katya practically begged, “It’s my boobs. They’re so tiny and flimsy compared to yours, right?” She declared, practically out of nowhere. 

“What?” Trixie asked, completely lost. 

“Or my legs,” Katya continued, seemingly in a desperate panic, “They’re so gross and scrawny. No wonder you don’t like them.” 

“What is this, Katya?” Trixie asked, growing more concerned. 

Katya rolled off of Trixie, scrunching herself up as tightly as possible, folding her arms over her breasts, and curling herself into a little ball, concealing any part of her body. Trixie tried pulling her in, causing Katya to flinch and close shut her eyes. Fast heavy breaths came out of Katya as she continued to close herself off from Trixie.   
“Kat?” Trixie asked turning herself over, looking at the shaking ball that Katya had become. “What do you need from me right now?”   
She placed her hand on top of Katya’s, and Katya immediately broke down. Hot, salty tears streamed rapidly down her face, and sad moans peaked through her never ending sobs and hyperventilation. 

“Katya,” Trixie said, soothingly, “Come here.” 

Trixie opened her arms up, and Katya inched forward into them, still balled up and crying. Trixie pulled her in, hugging her tightly, causing Katya to flinch, and let out a scared squeak. 

“Shh,” Trixie said carefully, holding Katya in her arms, “I’ve got you, baby. You’re safe with me.”


	10. Happy Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Did not expect this long of a delay for this chapter but here it (finally) is! Didn't want to post the night of the the All Stars finale (OH MY GOD), and things kept coming up in the days following until basically right now. Hoping this chapter gives a bit more backstory as well, since so much was left to interpretation. As always, you can follow me on tumblr the-rest-is-drag95 for more drag related content <3

2005 

Katya had just turned nine when he went all the way for the first time. It was the night of her birthday and her stepdad had spent the entire day promising her a very special gift she would receive after dinner that night. Katya hoped the surprise would be a brand new art set, just like the one Trixie had with markers, crayons and water colors. Katya loved making pictures of magical creatures and made up places, but all of her supplies had long dried out, and Katya hated only being able to create things when Trixie was home. 

“You’ll see,” her dad kept saying each time she asked what it was. 

She spent her birthday at the swimming hole with Trixie and some of the other neighborhood kids. It was the first warm day of the season and the girls wanted to take advantage of finally being able to get back in the water, and not be confined to wading in the backwoods creek. Katya had a blast practicing her underwater handstands, playing a group game of Marco Polo, and getting full from an entire box of Zebra Cakes she and Trixie split between the two of them. After swimming, they covered themselves in towels, and played game after game of Uno on a large rock by the water as dusk began to fall. After their eventful day, the girls headed back to Katya’s to eat. Katya’s mom had the night shift and wasn’t able to be there, but Katya’s stepdad still took it upon himself to order a pizza and cookie pie for them the three of them. 

Even at the young age of nine, Trixie started getting a bad feeling about Katya’s stepfather. Sure, he was relatively friendly when she would come over, but he was also very firm, and almost overprotective; especially if he felt she stayed over too late. Sometimes he would even sit on their couch and start yelling and grumbling as he drank himself to sleep. Both girls knew better than to bother him when that would happen. Neither of Trixie’s parents drank, so being around that always confused her. She didn’t understand what was fun about something that just made a person so angry. She hated getting mad. 

Trixie was asked to leave soon after dinner. It was her birthday and Katya needed to spend time with her family, he explained, quickly escorting her out the door. By this point, it was getting late, and Katya still hadn’t received anything from him. He drank a couple more beers, and went upstairs, leaving Katya to play with her Barbies all on her own. Being used to these kinds of disappointments, Katya had basically given up hope that any surprise was actually happening, until her dad called her upstairs. Katya eagerly dropped her doll right on the floor and raced upstairs. 

“Dad?!” she called out as she reached the upstairs hall. 

Everything was turned off, making Katya even more excited about what was to come. 

“I’m in here.” She heard him call from her room. 

Katya opened the door and found her stepdad sitting on her bed. Only her gold glitter night light was on, making it difficult to make out any specific objects in her room. Katya reached for her light switch but her dad stopped her in the process. 

“Leave it.” He said gently from the edge of her bed. 

“But dad,” Katya whined innocently, beginning to worry that something more serious was happening, “I get scared when it’s too dark.” 

“Come here then,” her stepdad said, reaching out his arms. 

Katya walked closer as he pulled her into his lap. The two of them sat there together near the edge of her bed as her stepdad placed one hand on her leg, and began rubbing up and down her thighs, as he had many times before. 

“Hmm…” her dad exclaimed in disapproval. Katya couldn’t quite make out his face in this darkness, but she could tell by his tone that he was already not pleased with her. 

“What?” Katya asked, worried about him being mad. 

“I thought I told you these were a little too skinny, sweetie,” he said, squeezing her right thigh softly, “you’d look better with a little more on them.” 

“I know. I’m sorry.” 

Her stepdad just grumbled. 

Her stepdad moved his hands up onto her waist, and placed Katya in her bed on her back. He then moved, positioning himself on top of her, kissing her cheek and slowly moving down her neck as he rocked both of them back and forth. 

“Dad?” Katya asked, clearly uncomfortable and upset, “What about my birthday gift?” 

“What do you mean?” he asked, pretending to sound just confused enough to fool an innocent child, “this was your surprise, Katya.” 

“Oh…” Katya said, looking shameful. 

“But if you think you’re too good for this gift, you don’t have to accept it.” He said, clearly seeing how much manipulation he could get out of her, knowing that if she said she  
wanted it, it would be easier to twist that in his favor, and convince her that this was consensual. “Do you want to reject me, Katya?” 

“N-n-no, daddy,” Katya stuttered, with fear creeping into her eyes. 

“Aw. Such a good girl,” he said, stroking her long, blond hair. “I mean, it’d be rude to refuse someone trying to make you happy. I think it would have to be really bad to reject someone like that, don’t you?” 

Katya nodded and her dad went back to what he was doing, Katya obeying every request as he had his way with her. His moans became more intense the longer it went on until finally he stopped, seemingly out of nowhere. 

“Damn it, Katya!” he roared, pulling himself off of her. 

“What?” Katya asked, tears building up, “What did I do wrong?” 

Katya dad silently shook his head in disapproval. She couldn’t see everything, but the glow from the night light was positioned just enough for her to make out the anger on his  
face. 

“I’m sorry!” Katya said crying, looking up at him awaiting a response, “I’ll do better next time, I promise.” Katya said, reaching her arms out as Katya’s dad pulled away in disgust. 

“I don’t know if it’s even worth trying, and that’s saying a lot.” 

“Please?” Katya begged, “Daddy, please don’t be mad at me!” 

“Maybe you can change my mind sometime.” He said flatly, knowing that with Katya so desperate for approval, she would eagerly oblige, if it meant making him happy. 

“Okay!” Katya said quickly, scooting towards him. 

“Not now.” He said, getting up from the bed. 

Katya’s dad quickly put his boxers and t-shirt back on, and headed towards her bedroom door. 

“Happy Birthday.” He said sarcastically before slamming the door behind him, leaving Katya in her room to cry alone. 

As she laid in her bed, she began to touch the different parts of her body he always seemed mad about. Her stepdad was right. Katya could practically feel the bones peeking out through her thighs, and her chest and back were equally flat, just as he often said.

This wasn’t, of course, the first time her dad had touched her and expressed disapproval, but this was the most he had done and the angriest he had gotten towards her. She hated this feeling, and she hated herself for making him so upset. Her physical appearance was the only thing he showed genuine happiness in when it came to her. She was old enough to understand that her birth was an accident. She had seen what happened to her neighbors and babysitters when they had babies at the age her mom did. Even her own parents would tell her how grateful she should be for them having her, and giving her this life. This was why making them happy was so important to her, even if she didn’t always feel they deserved it. 

These encounters continued, just as her dad had planned. Katya learned quickly how to please someone and was taught what to love and hate about her own body. She also always hated how much power he had over her. She never felt like she could tell her mom either, because it was supposed to be between them, and she was often physically threatened to ensure it would stay that way. Katya also knew she wasn’t supposed to bring up any troubles she was having with him, because he had given so much to her and her mom. 

The worst part, though, even more than the physical act, was how it mentally affected her. Sure, she could be herself around Trixie, but most people, she started keeping at an arm’s length, and had trouble interacting with on more than a surface level. Subconsciously, she worried about being hurt by them too, and feared the other kids would somehow find out, and see her as dirty or a reject. 

She didn’t completely know what made her best friend so different. Perhaps it was that Trixie was around before her stepfather, or that Trixie’s family provided the support she so desperately needed. Either way, Trixie always put her at ease and made her feel as safe as she could possibly feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this, but thank you guys so much for all the lovely comments on this chapter. This was one I was honestly so nervous to post. I didn't want it to be too dramatic or inauthentic, and you never know how writing something like this will be received because it is an understandably difficult topic to read and write about. So glad people are understanding it. Hope to update soon <3


	11. Thwoorp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all the support, specifically with the last chapter. I am so humbled by the fact that so many are connecting with or see aspects of their own life in this story. I really hope you guys enjoy where I plan on going with this story. Let me know what you think, and as always follow the-rest-is-drag95 for more even drag trash <3

2009 

Trixie held Katya close, allowing her hot tears to rapidly fall down her face and drench the front of Trixie’s dress. She kissed her repeatedly on her head and cheeks whispering words of encouragement, telling her just how amazing she was. 

After twenty minutes, Katya’s crying began to subside, and she was finally able to lift her head enough for Trixie to see her. She had worn waterproof liner and mascara, so her face didn’t look too rough, other than her bright red skin. It was only when Trixie looked into her eyes that she could see how pained she truly was. Trixie couldn’t even stare for too long without feeling her own self crumbling right along with her. 

“Hey,” Trixie said softly, fighting her own emotions to force the kindest smile, hoping Katya would see how much she was loved, “tell me what happened, baby.” 

“I got worried.” Katya said simply, looking directly in front of her, as if still trying to process her own feelings, “you’re so incredibly beautiful.” 

“So are you.” Trixie immediately jumped in. 

“No, but like, look at me.” Katya replied, looking down at herself in disgust. 

“I am,” Trixie said gently, wrapping her arms around her shoulders, “I do every chance I get.” 

“That’s funny,” Katya said flatly. 

Trixie knew that this self-deprecation wasn’t like her, and probably wasn’t even the result of her own thoughts and opinions. Katya was always someone she saw as confident in almost every life situation. Seeing her like this was bizarre and so out of the ordinary. It made sense that someone else had likely given her that impression, more specifically, her stepfather. 

“Is that what he told you, though?” Trixie asked trying to hide her own tears 

Katya nodded slowly, without looking up, folding her arms over her breasts once again. 

“Too skinny,” Katya whispered, shaking her head and sniffling, “And flat. Like a twig.” 

Trixie bent down, placing a kiss on Katya’s shoulder, hoping to show her how wrong her perception of herself was. 

“He always stops when it isn’t good enough,” Katya continued, “God and sometimes he gets so fucking angry.” 

Trixie pulled Katya closer onto her lap, running her fingers through her curls, feeling sadness and anger over what he did to her. Trixie always believed Katya was objectively beautiful. Sure, she was thinner than most of the girls in her grade, but that’s part of what Trixie found attractive about her. She loved how she felt against Katya, how nice it was wrapping herself around her, and how, despite her frame, she was so strong and dominant with Trixie. It made being with her all the more interesting and exciting. How dare her stepfather make her think anything less, and furthermore, how dare he even get that close with her to begin with. 

“Nothing you have ever done hasn’t been good enough, Kat,” Trixie said, twirling Katya’s curl around her finger, “my not being ready has nothing to do with how incredible you made me feel just now. Did you hear how disgusting you made me sound?” 

“I liked it,” Katya mumbled, still looking down, “I like making you happy.” 

“Well you’re very good at it,” Trixie smiled, turning to place a kiss on Katya’s cheek. “I like this too,” she added cradling the tiny blond in her arms, “just holding you, making sure you feel comfortable with me. I think that’s so much more important than sex, anyway.” 

Katya stretched up just enough to kiss Trixie on her neck. Trixie giggled slightly at the tickling. Trixie looked down at Katya’s face. The redness had subsided, but Trixie could still see from her expression how many thoughts were still racing. She couldn’t imagine how scary it must be to be in her mind sometimes. 

“I’m here if you want to talk more,” Trixie gently reminded her, “no judgement, I promise.” 

Katya was silent for a second, then took a deep breath.

“Is this going to get easier?” Katya asked, scooting herself back to be as close to Trixie as possible. 

“Yeah,” Trixie responded weakly, hoping she could mask how unsure she really was. 

She hoped it would, she wanted it to for Katya’s sake, but she wasn’t a professional. She had no idea what it was like going through what Katya does, or what kinds of things are harder or easier to get past emotionally. All she knew was how to be there for her, and hope it would somehow be enough. 

“It’s not fair,” Katya said, her eyes building up again, shaking against Trixie. 

“I know, baby,” Trixie said in a whisper, stroking Katya’s back in an attempt to soothe her. “Look at me.” 

Katya looked back at Trixie, her eyes and smiling so loving and trusting. Deep down she knew Trixie meant nothing by wanting to stop before things went too far, but she still couldn’t get it through her head; as if her mind and heart weren’t connected in their thoughts. 

“You can always be open with me, Katya,” Trixie tried to reiterate with her, “you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it’s never going to be a problem for me if you do. I care about you so, so much.” 

Katya smiled, clearly appreciative of Trixie’s efforts. 

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” Katya said just quietly enough for Trixie to faintly hear it. It made Trixie’s heart skip. “Do you think we could watch another movie? I’m sorry. I just have a lot of emotions right now and need something to take my mind off of them. It doesn’t even have to be Contact. Just anything.” 

“Of course,” Trixie said, giggling at her inability to not reference that movie. “Oh and if you’re around tomorrow, you can help us paint Easter eggs for that stupid egg hunt I got roped into leading on Sunday.” 

“I’d love to, Trix,” Katya said as they pulled up Trixie’s DVD collection and sorted through the films, “anything with you.”

That next afternoon, Trixie and Katya found themselves on Trixie’s backyard table, painting dozens of Easter eggs for the Church-wide egg hunt happening tomorrow. Like most things related to church, Trixie somehow got talked into not only running the event alongside Nathan, but actually providing the painted eggs. Trixie of course had known about this commitment for a week, and was now rushing to get them done the afternoon before, so that she could have the rest of the day with Katya. 

“Ahh!!” Trixie screamed dropping a half-painted egg on her back patio ground, before ducking her head onto the table, in a sad attempt to hide from the giant yellow hornet buzzing around the yard, “Ugh. It’s almost summer,” Trixie muttered bitterly, lifting her head back up as Katya painted and laughed at how pathetic Trixie looked. 

She hated the summer heat, and how many bugs suddenly felt the need to come out and pester her all day. 

“Trixie, stop wasting eggs!” her mom reprimanded her, walking over to their table, looking down at the shattered shell and oozing yolk as she placed more dye tubs on their table, “look how careful Katya’s being.” 

She motioned over to Katya who was gently tapping tiny pink dots onto the egg with her brush. Trixie loved watching Katya be creative. Even something this simple put her so much in her element, and watching the pure contentment she had was beautiful.

“I thought you always told me to be myself,” Trixie joked, as her mom rolled her eyes. 

She grabbed a napkin and bent down to wipe up the broken egg. The egg seeped through the napkin immediately and got all over Trixie’s hand. She didn’t have any more napkins, and didn’t feel like dealing with her mother once again, so she instead quickly rubbed her hand against the patio cement, hoping the egg would somehow blend into everything else. 

“Your mom likes me better!” Katya whispered before cracking a smile, as Trixie stood back up. 

“But not as much as she liked Nathan!” Trixie shot back. 

Trixie grabbed a handful of string green basket filler and threw a clump of it at Katya, hitting her face directly. Both laughed so hard their stomachs started hurting, until they heard a loud, creaking slide coming from behind them. 

“Trixie Mattel!” the girls heard her mom scream from the kitchen window before coming outside, “All of this is going right out of your allowance.” 

“Fine. Sorry.” Trixie sighed. 

“And speaking of money, you better start thinking of how you’re planning on making some this summer,” Her mom explained, “did you talk to Mrs. Davis about the church camp?” 

“Mom,” Trixie whined, “I don’t even like going there on Sundays.” 

“Well you better start liking it, otherwise you’ll be forced to work on cars with your father all summer.” 

“Fine. I’ll tell him that tonight.” 

“No you will not. You’re working at the camp this summer and that’s the end of it.” 

“Why would you even give me that option if you know you wouldn’t let me take it?” Trixie grumbled under her breath. 

“Trixie, you’ll be fine, her mom halfheartedly reassured her, sighing, “Katya, I bet you’re willing to work this summer.” Trixie’s mom said, glaring at Trixie. 

“Yeah, um, my mom is just having me work at her restaurant,” Katya said looking irritated about having to spend a considerable amount of time with her, “party.” 

“Mom, can I work with Katya this summer?” 

“No. Enough. You have a job.” Her mom snapped before slamming the window shut. 

The girls giggled to each other the second they saw her step away from the window. It wasn’t anything personal against Trixie’s mom. Trixie just hated how often her mom’s dreams and ideas of the world were shoved at her. She knew she was trying though. Growing up here herself, those ideas were of course the only ones she really knew. 

“She loves you so much,” Katya reminded Trixie. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Trixie said, knowing deep down how right Katya was. 

The girls finished painting their eggs and Trixie’s mom suggested they take some of Mr. Mattel’s fishing gear out to one of the ponds nearby, mainly to keep them from bothering her the rest of the day. They lugged his tackle box, a bucket and two fishing rods out to one of the many lakes around town and set up. It was just the two of them surrounded by trees and locked up canoes as they set things up, and got their bait. Trixie picked the pink glittering minnow bait piece, while Katya just loaded hers up with fake neon worms. 

“First one with a fish gets to pick the next date spot,” Katya called out as her hook hit the water. 

“My fishing skills suck, so you better pick somewhere good,” Trixie giggled. 

The next few hours flew by as the girls attempted, to be silent, in an effort to not scare away the fish. Around four o’clock Katya finally felt a nibble, and she and Trixie worked together to real in a slimy silver and black fish they named Thwoorp. 

“That’s not even a name!” Trixie laughed looking down at cute little Thwoorp swimming around their white bucket. 

“It’s the best name. Get out of my lake.” Katya yelled sarcastically flicking the water at Trixie. 

“Ugh, I just wished my grandma wasn’t coming in tomorrow,” Trixie sighed plotting down on the grass, “Nothing I ever do is up to her standards, and she’s like, a hardcore traditional. She makes my parents look like freaking hipsters.” 

“She’ll be gone in a week,” Katya said hugging her from behind, “just remember to avoid the topic of croquet.” 

“Crap,” Trixie giggled, “I forgot all about that. So much has happened in just a couple weeks.” 

“I know,” Katya smiled, looking around to make sure they were alone, then gently placed a kiss on her lips, “It’s been pretty amazing to think about.”


	12. Grandmother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This one was really fun to write, which was nice considering the last few were much more intense. There are some funny moments in here so hopefully you all enjoy it. I'm sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but be sure to follow my on my tumblr the-rest-is-drag95 if you enjoy scrolling through complete and utter trash. Be sure to read the notes at the bottom once you're done as well <3

2009

Trixie’s grandma arrived the next morning at 6:15 am, repeatedly ringing their doorbell until Trixie was forced out of bed to greet her, since the continuous alternating between rings and slamming knocks were becoming more unbearable than actually dealing with her. She made her way downstairs with messy curls and an oversized Vacation Bible School t shirt, still yawning as her grandma barged in with her loud, rolling suitcase she’d used for as long as Trixie could remember. Just the sound of her wheels loudly hitting the wood was enough to flood her with irritating memories of past visits.

“Is that any way to look when company arrives?!” her grandma asked, taking one look at Trixie’s less than presentable appearance. 

“I didn’t know company would arrive before the sun,” Trixie grumbled under her breath, picking up her grandma’s suitcase and bringing it up to the guest room. 

Trixie hadn’t been in this room in what felt like forever. It had a quilted bed, a large wardrobe, and an old, 90’s TV with a Nintendo 64 that the girls used to play on for hours every weekend. Above the bed was a simple wooden cross, just like in every other room in the house. Trixie always used to feel like those crosses were watching her, and would somehow find her staring at girls a little too long in her magazines, or see her mind fantasizing innocently about various movie actresses. 

“Anyway, I’ll see you in a bit,” Trixie said placing her grandma’s stuff down, and heading towards the door. 

Her grandma stopped her in her tracks, clearly appalled over the fact that there were less than three hours before church and Trixie was planning on falling back asleep until it was absolutely necessary to wake up again.

“Let me at least do your hair,” her grandma insisted unzipping her suitcase, and pulling out a see through bag filled with hair accessories and beauty tools. 

Realizing quickly that this would be a losing battle, Trixie reluctantly agreed, and they made their way down the hall to the bathroom, as Trixie angrily thought about her warm bed, and how stupid this all was in the first place. Today was just the Sunday School celebration, meaning this effort would be for nothing the second the egg hunt started and Trixie would be forced to chase toddlers around a field for an hour as they tripped and rolled all over the place. 

Trixie pulled out the never used stool from underneath the vanity and plopped herself down, allowing her grandma to completely destroy her hair with all of her hairspray and irons. Trixie looked at her disinterested self in the mirror, as her grandma began to dramatically hum songs from old Showtunes. Trixie had never missed her room more in her entire life. 

“Your mom has filled me in on all the drama with Nathan,” her grandma told her upon the conclusion of Sixteen Going on Seventeen, as she pulled her hair back, practically ripping it right from her scalp. 

“Drama?” Trixie said trying hard not to laugh. 

“Oh don’t be embarrassed, Trixie!” her grandma said shaking her head, “when I first started dating your grandfather, we kept it a secret for months, too.” 

“I’m not exactly dating…” 

Not Nathan, anyway. 

Her grandma went on, twisting and tying her hair every which way, continuing to hum louder and higher, giving Trixie a headache. Once finished, Trixie was left with a half up do, with neat waves swirling every which way from her head. The entire look was unnecessary, but it seemed to make her grandmother happy, for once. 

“Oh Trixie!” she beamed with joy, “you look so pretty when you just try!” 

Trixie gave a long sigh before getting up and walking back to her room. 

“I’m getting dressed. See you in a bit.” Trixie called out flatly before slamming her bedroom door behind her, desperate for some solitude before being forced to spend the entire day with her. She flopped face first into her bed, attempting to fall asleep for a bit. Unfortunately, she was too awake at that point to do so, so she instead laid there irritated, watching the clock tick by.

As far as Trixie’s grandma was concerned, nothing she did was ever good enough. She constantly tried to mold her into the perfect granddaughter she could gush about to all of her friends, rather than allow her to flourish being herself. That’s why she was so insistent on doing her hair, and pushing her to date the apparently famous Nathan. 

She stayed hidden away for as long as she could, until her mom banged on her door and, probably upon her grandma’s request, insisted she would be late if she didn’t come down stairs that minute. 

“You rolled all over her curls!” she heard her grandma worry as she grabbed her coat and headed outside to the van. 

Just as Trixie predicted, her hair stayed intact for all of ten minutes before a four year old started screaming and throwing eggs everywhere because a different child took the green one he wanted. Trixie and Nathan had to carry him off the field, with him still kicking and crying in her arms. After they finally calmed him down enough to sit quietly with some Hotwheels cars, she was left with toddler spit, raw egg, and food dye laced throughout her waves. Once the egg hunt had concluded, she rushed downstairs to wash everything off as well as she could in order avoid any comments from her grandma, before meeting up with the rest of her family to head out to their usual Sunday brunch place. They pulled into the packed parking lot, circling around three times before they finally saw a white SUV pull out of one of the furthest spots from the restaurant. 

“Isn’t it a shame how many people only go to church during the holidays?” Trixie’s dad chuckled, shaking his head at everyone pulling in. 

They headed inside, but were quickly halted by a wall of church goers all waiting for a table. 

“Well this is just awful!” her grandma yelled, beginning to draw attention to her family, “Trixie! Go up front and see how long the wait is.” 

“But there are a ton of people ahead of us-“ 

“Right now, young lady!” she roared 

Trixie pushed through the sea of middle aged adults and families, all of whom were eyeing her for ignoring the wait. At the front of the restaurant podium was Ginger, that girl from their school that was always mocking Trixie. She must have just started since Trixie had never noticed her here before. Yet another reason to feel constricted and out of place here. 

“Hey, um, how much of a wait for four people?” 

“There was a line, you know.” Ginger shot back at Trixie, barely looking up. 

“Yeah. I’m aware,” Trixie said rolling her eyes, “Look my grandma is on the verge of making an incredibly pointless scene in front of all your customers, so if you could just tell me how long this will take, we promise to go somewhere else.” 

“Only to get you out of here sooner." Ginger sighed, "Forty five minutes sound long enough?” 

“Yes thank you. Sorry for the fuss.” 

Trixie dashed back to her family and relayed the information. As soon as she heard the wait time, her grandma began ordering the group to leave immediately, making loud comments about how the restaurant should have been better prepared for the holidays. Trixie could see Ginger snickering from up front as they were walking out. They then sat in the car for ten minutes discussing in circles where they could go instead, with her grandma countering every suggestion offered. Everything was either not fancy enough, too expensive, or not a place she felt one should go after church. 

“The place Katya’s mom works at is right up the road,” Trixie finally interjected, “can we just go there? I’m starving.”

“Oh I always liked Katya!” her grandma agreed. 

They drove down the road to the small, hole-in-the-wall diner. Katya’s mom had been working there and at a fast food restaurant ever since she became “ineligible” to be a Hooters girl. The place was built in the 1970’s, and looked as if it hadn’t been updated since. Trixie liked it though. It gave off an old, lost soul vibe with its wood paneling and puke green carpets. It wasn’t trying to be anything fake or cheery like their usual place; it just was. 

They walked in and were hit with a giant whiff of heated coffee, one of Trixie’s favorite scents. The place was fairly empty compared to the other and had a tall, black sign telling customers to seat themselves. Trixie noticed Katya’s mom filling a small tray of coffee mugs over at the bar counter. Katya’s mom looked up and saw the Mattel family standing at the entrance, put her tray down, and raced over to greet them. 

“Hey guys!” She said happily, giving Trixie a quick hug. Trixie could smell the cigarettes all over her body, “If you sit at any of the tables on the right side, I can take care of you all.” 

Trixie inserted herself at the front of her party and led them to the large booth by the window. Katya’s mom came shortly after filling coffee and handing out menus. 

Trixie had known Katya’s mom since they were little, but hadn’t spent a considerable amount of time with her, especially as they got older. Katya would always opt to go to Trixie’s or somewhere other than her home. Looking at her mom you’d never know anything so awful was going on behind the scenes at her house. She looked like Katya’s older, almost identical, sister in every single way with her shiny blond hair, and those same blue eyes that Trixie often got lost in when she was with Katya.  
Everyone ordered and Katya’s mom continued to be helpful, consistently checking in on the table. 

“She sure is a young looking thing,” Trixie’s grandma remarked, watching Katya’s mom at assisting a nearby customer. 

“She should be,” Trixie’s mom explained, “poor thing had Katya when she was still in high school.” 

“Oh that’s right! I believe you mentioned that before,” her grandma remembered, “Didn’t you know her in school or something?” 

“No,” her mom replied, almost defensively, “we didn’t have Trixie until we were twenty one. I was married and long out of school by that point.” 

Trixie could tell by the concerned look on her mom’s face that she knew more than she was letting on. Trixie knew both her and Katya’s mom grew up around here. With as large an age gap as they had, it never occurred to Trixie that they had much, if any direct contact since they would have never been in the same school due to their ages. Now, she wasn’t so sure. 

Katya’s mom came back, carrying a large tray with all of their food on it. She placed Trixie’s waffles in front of her, and plopped a small bowl of what looked like melted chocolate beside it. 

“That’s Nutella,” Katya’s mom explained after seeing the confusion on Trixie’s face. 

“What’s that?” 

“Some chocolate spread they have in Europe, I think,” Katya’s mom tried to describe, “she’s obsessed with anything European and we just added this to the menu. I texted her that you were here and she yelled at me to give you some to try.” 

Trixie started smiling at how cute it was that even when they weren’t together, Katya was still thinking of her, and wanted to make her happy. She took a bite of the sweet, nutty chocolate covered waffle, enjoying what was basically the equivalent of a large dessert, while everyone talked and ate their meals. 

“A minute on the lip, a lifetime on the hip,” her grandma recited, noticing Trixie’s nearly empty plate. 

She continued on, bothering Trixie about her future and post grad plans, basically trying to figure out if she should expect a wedding and grandchild in five years, like her mom did at that age. Trixie knew that that was by no means uncommon or frowned upon in their town, as long as one came before the other, but she felt she was in no position to have children any time soon. Not to mention the fact that even the idea of a wedding made her sick to her stomach when she imagined how few of her family members would actually support a gay wedding, not to mention that it isn't even legal to begin with. They probably wouldn’t even see it as anything other than embarrassing and illegitimate. 

“I’m only a freshman, grandma,” Trixie repeatedly reminded her with every follow up question, in an attempt to deflect the attention away from herself, “I have plenty of time to think about graduation.” 

The family paid and began walking out, when Trixie heard Katya’s mom yell for her from the counter. 

“We’ll meet you in the car,” Trixie’s mom nodded as the rest of the family walked out. 

Trixie went over to Katya’s mom who was carrying a bag, and looking down at the floor sheepishly.

“I put a box of food together for Katya. She said, discreetly handing her the brown paper bag, “make sure it gets to her?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Trixie nodded, quickly grabbing it. 

“I’d do it myself,” she went on, with a bit of sadness in her voice, “but I have a shift at my other place after this, so I don’t even know what time I’ll be home.” 

“No I understand,” Trixie responded, honestly meaning it, “I’ll walk it over as soon as we get back.” 

“Thanks babe,” her mom smiled sadly, looking just like Katya did when she was trying to hide her own emotions. “Katya’s lucky as hell to have you, by the way.” 

“She’s- she’s my best friend,” Trixie said, not wanting to express her emotions any further, even though she assumed Katya’s mom wouldn’t care in the same way her own mom would. 

“Still,” she added, “You mean the world to her.” 

They both exchanged somber glances, as if making an unspoken agreement as to how shitty a hand Katya was dealt in life. Trixie could see faint signs of regret coming from her mom, like she was wishing she hadn’t placed her daughter in the situation that she did. 

“I’m on break now, so I can walk you out,” she said changing the subject 

Once outside, the two said their goodbyes, with Trixie heading to her car and Katya’s mom heading to the dumpster by the side of the restaurant. Their car was parked in such a way that Trixie was able to see her from her seat, smoking on a cigarette, arms half crossed, and looking drained, both physically and emotionally. 

As they pulled away, Trixie was left to process their entire interaction alone. Up until that, Trixie just assumed hating Katya’s mom for being neglectful, drinking and doing drugs in plain sight, and allowing such a monster to abuse Katya. At the same time, however, Trixie could see the love had for her daughter, despite everything. It left her very frustrated and confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this came about partially to perpetuate the idea of their environment, but also because I didn't love the fact that I felt like I was lumping Katya's mom and stepdad together as being equally awful, because I don't think they are, and I think the situation is much more complex with her mom than I let on in a previous chapter. (It's also very possible that I was overthinking things and it was already abundantly clear.) Either way, hope you liked the read! Feel free to comment on this note specifically as well :)


	13. Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh this one is finally out! I swear I had this half typed, was actually ahead of schedule, then impulsively deleted the entire thing and rewrote it, which is why there was such a delay publishing this. Hopefully the change was for the best and that you guys enjoy. Happy reading and be sure to follow the-rest-is-drag95 on Tumblr. I post a lot of comments that I pretend are funny so don't miss out, Brenda :)

2009

Trixie hadn’t stopped thinking about that interaction the rest of the afternoon. After lunch, they went to a small antique shop in town, marveling at all the old sewing machines and record players. Trixie never understood the point of antique shopping. Why would something old, dusty, and barely working cost more than double the price of something modern and more functional? 

Trixie’s grandma kept pulling her over to different items, talking as if she was old enough to remember using them. 

Trixie’s mom dropped her off in front of Katya’s house on the way back. Katya smiled brightly the second she opened the door for Trixie. She invited her in, kissing her once, softly before Trixie walked to the kitchen and put the bag down on their counter. 

“How was the egg hunt?” Katya laughed, picking up a strand of hair that Trixie hadn’t managed to get the blue out of. 

“Yeah, I don’t know if I want to be a teacher anymore,” Trixie groaned, “This kid stole an egg from another kid, so the first one got mad and threw eggs and everyone.” 

“Sounds like he deserved it,” Katya smiled walking over to her couch, “I’d be pissed if some little brat stole my eggs, too.” 

Katya plopped herself down, dramatically reaching her hands out, waiting for Trixie to come over. Trixie giggled walking towards her couch. 

“Here, let me cuddle you,” Katya said scooting back just enough so that her back was against the arm of the couch. 

Trixie sat herself in Katya’s lap, and stretched her legs out, leaning against her while Katya wrapped her arms around Trixie’s waist. 

“I needed this,” Trixie sighed, placing her hands over Katya’s, “my grandma keeps nagging me about my plans after high school. 

“But you’re a freshman,” Katya argued, confused. 

“That’s what I told her!” Trixie replied, “She wants me to get married and have kids. So stupid.” 

Trixie didn’t actually think the idea of starting a family was that stupid. She just had accepted at that point, that something like that would be next to impossible. In fact the idea of growing up in general terrified her, because it meant that at some point, she would be forced to face reality. It was easy when she was younger. She could just ignore her feelings and desires because nobody expected her to date. People let her focus on being young instead of focus on her future. She almost wished she could go back to those days. They were easier. 

“Kat?” Trixie asked, turning her head to look back at her, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” 

“Well, mother,” Katya replied, giggling, pretending to sigh dramatically, “I don’t know. Interior design? Maybe landscaping? I want something that lets me work with my hands.” 

“That’s hot,” Trixie mumbled a bit too loudly before immediately blushing and looking down, embarrassed.

Katya pulled her in tightly wrapping her arms around her waist, squeezing hard before burying her face in her hair. Taking in the floral scent of Trixie’s shampoo. 

“You know what else is hot?” Katya whispered softly turning her head to speak into Trixie’s ear. 

She took her hands off Trixie’s waist, placing them on either breast. She felt Trixie flinch slightly before leaning back. Trixie settled in, allowing Katya to massage them, while she elicited long, rough sighs that made Katya smile. Katya pressed her hands into Trixie’s breasts, squeezing harder and tighter, loving how round and soft they felt in her hands.   
Trixie was wearing a nice pushup bra under her dress, making them feel even softer and perkier as Katya continued fondling them for a few minutes in silence

“Why do I like this so much more than other girls do?” Trixie asked, in between her soft squeaks and sighs. 

“I’m just that good,” Katya teased gently, but knowing full well what Trixie really meant. 

“Yeah,” Trixie smiled slightly sad, “Hey, is it supposed to feel tight and sticky, you know, down there?” 

Katya laughed harder hugging Trixie’s entire body as she cracked up. 

“Yes, stupid,” she finally managed to get out, “That happens when you’re turned on.” 

“Oh,” Trixie asked, laughing along with Katya at how naive and inexperienced she was, “Is yours like that too?” Trixie asked, hoping Katya would understand that she was really just asking if she was turning her on the same way. 

“Of course, pretty girl,” Katya smiled continuing to fondle Trixie once again. 

Katya’s was often like that however. Even when she was just in class, or going shopping, she would feel it. She knew why, but didn’t need Trixie to know the same. Having two emotionally unavailable parents plus an abstinence only Sex Education program meant that google did most of the teaching in terms of what things in her body meant. She learned through a series articles that kids who were abused like her could have way more of it, for no reason at all. 

Katya continued a bit longer, listening to Trixie sweetly yip and moan, two things that were quickly becoming some of her favorite sounds in the world. They were so soft and innocent. You also knew they were genuine because there was no way that someone like Trixie, who was scared to death about what this identity would ultimately mean for her, would actively express pleasure being with another girl unless it was what she really wanted. 

“I want your cuddles,” Trixie whined cutely, once her breasts began getting sore. 

Trixie was learning to word what she wanted in ways that wouldn’t make Katya as self-conscious or cause her to blame herself. Trixie curled up like a young koala against Katya’s chest. Katya pressed her whole body into Trixie’s rocking her back and forth gently in her arms. 

“I love this,” Trixie whispered faintly, placing her hands on to of Katya’s arms, “no fear of anyone walking in or catching us. It’s so freeing.” 

“Good,” Katya mumbled, leaving a small kiss Trixie’s back. 

“Your mom was really nice today though.” Trixie added changing topics slightly. 

“Yeah,” Katya replied, pretending to giggle, to cover up how little interest she had in thinking about her, “she is sometimes.” 

“What do you mean?” Trixie asked, hoping to gain more insight into Katya’s life, now that she had seen so much of Katya’s mom today. 

“Well,” Katya began, holding Trixie tight to bring herself some comfort “When she’s not drinking or fighting, or whatever else she does, she’s pretty cool. Not like, go to the mall, get matching manicures cool, but caring cool.” 

“That’s nice though, right?” Trixie asked, starting to feel guilty for even bringing it up. “At least she’s there sometimes.”

“Yeah, but in some ways it’s worse.” Katya went on. Trixie could feel her grip tighten even more. She squeezed Katya’s arms, letting her know she was safe. “At least with my dad, it’s predictable. But when my mom’s nice and stuff, I trick myself into thinking it will go on longer than it does. Then, when something happens, and she’s back to how she was, it almost makes it hurt more than if she hadn’t gotten my hopes up to begin with.”

Trixie had never thought about it that way. She couldn’t imagine how much instability Katya has to face from her mom every single day. It made her grateful for her own family, despite how irritated they made her at times. 

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Trixie replied, kissing her hand once before thumbing the both gently.

“Its fine,” Katya said, changing topics, “Forget about her. What do you want to be?” 

“Huh?” 

“When you grow up,” Katya reminded her, “I told you. Now it’s your turn.” 

Trixie had gotten so caught up in the feeling of being with Katya that she had forgotten all about what they were originally discussing. Katya had a way of making her forget everything she was worried about. 

“Now that teaching might be off the table,” Trixie started, laughing to herself, “I don’t know. I could stay home like my mom. Except I’d need a kid, otherwise it’s just being unemployed.” 

“That’s not a dumb dream, Trixie,” Katya reassured her, kissing her blush covered cheeks, “I work, you raise our kids. I think you’d be the best mom in the world.” 

And she honestly meant it, even though she secretly thought Trixie was capable of so much more than this town allowed for her. Still, Trixie was the most caring person she knew. Any kid would be lucky to have someone like her to look up to. 

Katya didn’t have the heart to admit, however, that it was herself that she was worried about in terms of capable parenting. She didn’t exactly have the best role models, but at least that meant she knew what she didn’t like. Statistically though, she knew the odds were stacked against her to be any better than she had. Deep down, she was terrified she wouldn’t be able to prove those statistics wrong. 

The girls cuddled a bit more before Trixie headed back home. Her mom started texting every five minutes saying her grandma was giving her grief about being away from her family on a Sunday, as if this was much different than any other weekend. 

Once she left, Katya enjoyed a stepdad free evening, loving how nice it felt walking around, knowing that she wouldn’t hear his roaring car pull up, and have to deal with him touching her or fighting with her mom. Her stepdad was away on a “Guys Weekend” until tomorrow, so she had a little bit of freedom for the next 24 hours. Even with the freedom, however, she didn’t really do much once Trixie had left. Just sat there, sketching a portrait of Trixie in that blue dress she wore last week. She blushed drawing out the curves on Trixie’s body, carefully proportioning her long, thick legs. God, she was so gay. She got so excited picturing herself on top, hugging her tightly, running her hands against her soft, delicate skin. 

It was nearly midnight when Katya heard the front door open, and saw her tired mother dragging herself to the kitchen where Katya was sitting. She opened her fridge, taking out two beers, both for her, and plopped herself down in the empty seat next to Katya. She smelled like French fries and cigarettes. She dug her cigarette box and tie dye lighter out from her pant pocket taking one stick for herself, and one for Katya. She did that sometimes; offering cigarettes to her daughter as a way of bonding, with little thought as to how that could actually affect her. Probably out of habit, since she knew her mom’s mom did the same thing. It was likely how she became addicted to begin with.   
She took the cigarette from her mom, sticking the end into the fire, letting it burn for a few seconds, before putting the opposite end in her mouth and inhaling. Katya wasn’t by any means a regular smoker. Her mom was usually too distracted with her stepdad to spend any real time with her daughter. She didn’t even tell Trixie about it because of how infrequently it occurred, and because she could easily pass any cigarette smell off as being from the rest of her family. It made her mom happy, though, so she was willing to do it for her

Katya put the cigarette in between her fingers, and up to her mouth, inhaling deeply, feeling the sting of burning smoke race down her throat, followed by the slight feeling of lightheadedness that usually occurred. She coughed a couple times while her mom laughed sympathetically. Katya never understood how one could get addicted to these things. They usually just left her with a sore throat and a headache once the nicotine wore off. 

It was things like this made her scared to be a parent. Did you really look back on all this stuff with rose colored glasses as you age? Or do you just kid yourself that you were fine, so your kid will be too?

“Did Trixie give you the stuff I sent with her?” her mom asked, cracking open her first beer. 

“Yeah,” Katya smiled appreciatively, “We spent some time together when she came by. Just us. It was nice.” Katya said not realizing how much of that was left to interpretation until   
she saw the confused look on her mom’s face. 

“Nice how?” Her mom smiled, honestly just curious about what her daughter had just said. She didn’t care at all about Katya’s sexuality. She just wanted Katya to know she could talk to her about it. 

Katya knew this was as good a time as any to bring it up, without the repercussions or reaction of her stepfather. She knew if he found out, he might take her sexuality into his own hands. She trusted her mom enough not to tell him, though. That was one thing she could actually count on her for. 

The room got silent as Katya looked down at the floor. She didn’t mind being out to her mom, and she knew her mom wouldn’t think anything differently, it was just awkward to actually form the words and have that discussion. Katya didn’t have the most emotionally stable relationship with her mother to begin with. Like she told Trixie, when she was present, things were great, but that happened so sporadically that forming any long term, stable bond was hard. Especially with how many times her mom was absent or let her down. 

“Well, I mean, you know,” Katya rambled attempting to fill the space while she planned out her words. 

She opened her mouth to say the rest but nothing came out, and this was suddenly a lot more emotionally taxing than she had anticipated. She felt her heart start to speed up a bit, and suddenly felt shivers throughout her body. She gave her mom a quick look before shrugging, hoping she would just leave it be or fill in the blanks herself. 

She waited a couple seconds, hoping her mom would respond. Instead she just sat there, watching her daughter smash the burnt end of her cigarette into her ashtray. It became abundantly clear to Katya that she would have to lead this conversation. 

“I like girls, mom,” she finally said before quickly inhaling her cigarette once again so as not to feel rushed to follow up with any sort of follow up explanation right away.

Once she blew out all the smoke in her mouth, she just continued sitting there in silence. It wasn’t the act of actually coming out that bothered her, it was letting her mom deeper in on a more emotional side of her. She hated feeling vulnerable and being open with her feelings to anyone she didn’t fully trust. It made her feel naked and cold. Her mom wouldn’t understand that, though. She was always sugarcoating how bad things really were. Like mother like daughter. 

“Okay,” Her mom finally nodded slowly, when realizing how content Katya was to just sit there in silence, “Are you okay with that?” she asked blowing out the cigarette smoke from her own mouth. 

“Whatever,” Katya shrugged simply, trying to reassure her mom that this wasn’t that big of a deal for her, “It’s never bothered me. I don’t care if other people don’t like it.” 

“Okay, sweetie,” Her mom smiled, clearly way more emotionally invested in this discussion than Katya was. “Honestly, it means so much that you trust me with this information. I   
love you no matter what, and I’m here to support you any way I possibly can.”

Her mom would do that. Convince herself that conversations that meant very little to Katya, were somehow deep and emotional bonding. She probably had to do that in order to tell herself that she was a good mom. It was exhausting for Katya, but she knew deep down that if treated her kid the way her mom did, she would probably need to do that as well. 

“Trixie’s strait though,” Katya added, so as not to out Trixie in any way, “Which sucks ‘cause I really like her.” 

Katya’s mom smiled sweetly, eager that Katya was involving her so much into her personal life. She put her hand on her daughters, the same one Trixie kisses earlier, and looked her strait in eyes. She rambled on giving her speech and reassuring her that she would find someone someday that would treat her the way she should be treated, as Katya sat there, secretly hoping she already had.


	14. Sweater

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback chapter! There's a slight song reference in here as well. It's not at all essential to know the song, but in case anyone's REALLY interested, you can find several lyric and performance videos for the always trending on itunes hit, "The Lord's Army" on youtube. Anyway, enjoy, and as always, follow the-rest-is-drag95 on tumblr because you literally have no good reason not to.

2001

Trixie had only known two other gay people in her life. When she was in third grade she had been placed in Ms. Courtney’s class for Sunday school. Ms. Courtney was seventeen, and royalty by small town standards. She was the pretty blond cheerleading captain at the high school, got a scholarship to the state university, and worked at the church every Sunday, both as a teacher, as well as co-leading the youth chorus. 

The third grade class was particularly small that year with only seven students, allowing Trixie to get a lot of individual attention. Courtney wasn’t one to just go by the books and assign pages of worksheets. She really valued discussions and getting to know her students’ wants and desires. 

“I want you guys,” Ms. Courtney began one day during class, “to come up with a list of ways we serve God in our everyday lives.” 

Everyone went around the circle talking about inviting a new friend to play with them at recess, or helping a younger sibling with their homework. 

“Well,” Trixie began, once the circle came around to her, “I love serving God. I go to church every Sunday, and I love singing in your chorus Ms. Courtney. Me and my best friend Katya are even having a bake sale and donating money to the homeless because I know God likes us to help the less fortunate. I want to do everything I can to make God happy!” 

Ms. Courtney chuckled softly at Trixie’s enthusiasm, while the other kids glared at how much of a show off she was. The thing is, in that moment, Trixie was being one-hundred percent honest. At that age Trixie loved her religion more than anything. It gave her a sense of community and everyone seemed to love and support each other whole heartedly. She wanted to grow up and be just like Ms. Courtney, teaching kids, and leading the choir. 

“That’s beautiful,” Ms. Courtney exclaimed, writing bullet points of what Trixie had said on the board, “just remember, God is also happy when you are. Do what you want sometimes too.” 

“But I like doing all those things,” Trixie replied enthusiastically as eyes started to roll around her. 

“Alright then,” Ms. Courtney smiled, putting her marker down, “Everyone besides my choir kids are free to go upstairs and find their parents. Good job today.” 

Trixie and three others stayed behind waiting for the second, fourth, and fifth grade children to join them while Ms. Courtney entertained them with a game of Pictionary. Ms. Adore, the preacher’s daughter, and the other high school choir teacher came in leading a line of ten other children and laughing at Ms. Courtney’s poorly drawn elephant. 

“Good thing you’re going to school for music,” she teased, ushering everyone in her group onto the carpet. 

The first Sunday of every month, the children’s chorus went in front of the entire congregation singing two songs to close out the service. It was Trixie’s favorite part of church. She loved having the opportunity to sing in front of everyone, especially songs that contained messages she so strongly believed. Once everyone settled in, Ms. Courtney and Ms. Adore ran the songs with the kids, then led them upstairs to the chapel for their performance. 

Trixie could see her parents beaming with pride as she lined up along the steps with the rest of the kids. The room grew silent as Ms. Courtney and Ms. Adore kneed down in front of them, lifting their hands to conduct. 

“I may never march in the infantry, 

Ride in the Calvary 

Shoot the Artillery” 

Some members of the church began clapping along. Ms. Courtney and Ms. Adore smiled up at each other and then at the choir. Trixie loved how much her performing made them all so happy. 

“I may never zoom over the enemy, 

But I’m in the Lord’s Army” 

After the service, Trixie played house with some of the other kids in the chapel until the one of the parents came in and ordered them all to get out. Trixie climbed off of the wooden pew she had been pretending to use as a bed and headed out to the main lobby to find her mom. She weaved her way through the crowd of long floral skirts and tan khakis until spotting her mom’s lavender dress and dad’s black pants. 

“Trixie, have you seen Ms. Courtney?” her mom asked reaching her hand out to bring her daughter out of the crowd, “I want to see if she can babysit you next Saturday.” 

“Really?!” Trixie asked excitedly, thinking about how much fun it would be to spend an entire evening with Ms. Courtney. 

“Probably with Adore, avoiding that big History project the girls have due tomorrow,” Ms. Adore’s mom joked. Taking a sip out of her Styrofoam coffee cup. 

Trixie didn’t know Ms. Adore or her mom super well, but since Trixie’s mom was so active in church she spent a lot of time in the same social circle as her. Trixie always felt she looked so prim and proper in her perfectly tailored dress suits, especially when compared to her creative, artistic daughter. Trixie imagined there must have been many Sunday morning arguments regarding how casual her outfits could be or how much eyeliner she was allowed to put on. 

“Sweetie, where’s your sweater?” Trixie’s mom asked, placing her hand on her daughter’s bare shoulder, “We have to get going.”

Trixie’s mind raced quickly trying to remember the last place she had left it, before picturing the knitted red item draped over one of the plastic classroom chairs. 

“I think I left it downstairs,” Trixie sighed looking up sheepishly at her annoyed mother. 

“I can take her,” Ms. Adore’s mom offered, attempting to deflect a potential argument between Trixie and her mom, “I need to get find Adore anyway.

Ms. Adore’s mom took her hand and the two of them walked past the chapel, and down the steps to the Sunday School area. Trixie always marveled at how different the darkened rooms and empty halls were without the slew of children, grown-ups, and background noise filling the space. Trixie’s class door was one of the few left closed. Most had been unlocked, with the lights turned off in preparation for the week’s youth activities. Trixie thought it was funny that the girls were avoiding homework by hiding in a classroom. 

Adore’s mom twisted the knob and shoved the door so hard, it flew open, making a loud squeak. Next to the cubbies, Trixie saw Adore’s hands open hands on Courtney’s shoulders, lips pressed innocently into Courtney’s for a second before looking up at Trixie and her mom standing uncomfortably in the doorway. 

She didn’t say anything, just looked at them in horror, trying to process what she was seeing. 

“Baby, what is it?” Ms. Courtney asked before turning herself towards them. Trixie saw Ms. Courtney’s entire body tense up and turn red as Ms. Adore ripped herself out of her arms and went over to the window, her back facing everyone. Trixie couldn’t see it, but she could tell by the sound of her sniffing that Ms. Adore was crying. Ms. Courtney went over the window, attempting to comfort her, but Ms. Adore shoved her off. 

“Trixie,” Ms. Adore’s mom whispered in a tone more stern than she had ever heard a parent sound. “Go back up to your parents so they can take you home.” 

“But my sweater-“ 

“Now!” 

Trixie gave a quick nod, and raced back down the classroom hallway, hearing the door slam behind her. She made it upstairs and walked out to find her parents. The room had thinned out quite a bit, so spotting them was fairly easy. 

“Trixie, where’s your sweater?” Her dad called out as she headed over to them. 

“Um, I didn’t find it,” she lied, still shaken up over the entire situation. 

“Well where’s Adore’s mom?” Mrs. Mattel asked holding out her hand for her daughter. 

“Talking to her.” Trixie replied quickly, “Can we just go home, mom?” 

“Trixie what’s wrong?” her mom asked, kneeling down to Trixie’s eye level, looking concerned. 

“It’s nothing.” Trixie pretended to shake off, “I’m just worried about my sweater.” 

“Clothing can always be replaced,” Her dad chucked, taking Trixie’s other hand, leading the family out of the church. “No sense in crying over it.”

Trixie spent the entire car ride worrying over what was going to happen to Ms. Adore and Ms. Courtney. She couldn’t get their scared faces out of her head. Ms. Courtney looked like she had just seen a ghost, and Ms. Adore couldn’t even look at them. She didn’t know teachers could look so scared and small. Trixie had learned in church that girls were only supposed to kiss boys, but she didn’t completely understand why. 

That evening, Trixie was playing in the living room with her Barbies when the Mattel’s got a phone call. Although she couldn’t hear much, Trixie could see by her mom’s serious expression that it was about the incident that went on at church. After her mom hung up the phone. She went over to Trixie and sat criss-cross next to her on the carpet. 

“That was Adore’s mom,” Mrs. Mattel sighed, looking at her daughter, “She told me what happened down in your classroom. I’m so sorry you had to see that.” 

“That’s okay,” Trixie shrugged, looking down at her dolls, “It was only scary seeing them sad like that.” 

“Well they had a lot to be sad about,” Trixie’s mom went on to explain, “Ms. Courtney is a role model for you kids. She should have known not to do that, especially in church.”  
I don’t know,” Trixie said shrugging her shoulders, “it’s not her fault Ms. Adore kissed her,” Trixie said, very matter of fact. 

Trixie’s mom nodded slowly, looking slightly confused. It was clear to both of them that they had different interpretations of what had happened. Trixie wasn’t surprised about this, however. Since it involved Ms. Adore’s family, it made sense that her mom would lie to cover this up. This made Trixie sad because she really respected Ms. Courtney, and didn’t want everyone thinking it was all on her. 

Trixie’s mom went on to convince her daughter that she was mistaken and too young to understand what had really happened. It didn’t work and Trixie knew what she saw, but she eventually played into her mom’s narrative in an effort to get off the topic. It was starting to upset her the way she described Ms. Courtney taking advantage of the situation, and how much she rambled on about how kissing like that is not okay with the church. 

Her mom went back in the other room, as Trixie sat in silence, playing with her toys once again. She looked behind her quickly, then picked up her blonde and brunette Barbie dolls, holding them to face each other. She raised both of the brunette’s, pale, plastic arms up onto the blond dolls’ shoulders, positioning them similar to how Ms. Courtney and Ms. Adore were. She moved their tiny bodies closer to each other until their chests were touching, then turned the plastic heads, getting both faces closely enough to kiss. As far as she was concerned, nothing seemed wrong about it at all. She wondered if God actually felt the same way her church did, or if people were speaking for him the same way they were for her. 

It quickly became clear that news of what happened had spread like wildfire. Starting that next day she would hear rumors being whispered on the school bus and hear her mom speak about it with other church goers in not so vague details at the grocery store. All of which, of course, resembled Adore’s mom’s version of what happened. Their town was small and the church made up a good chunk of it, making it feel as if everyone knew. She couldn’t imagine how hard this must be on Ms. Courtney.

She didn’t know everything that was being said, since the grownups at least attempted to keep kids out of it, but since Trixie was directly involved, everyone brought it up around her family more. Most did the same song and dance pretending to be discreet, as if Trixie couldn’t hear every word that was being said, then turned to her with the same sympathetic expression, going on about how sorry they were that she had to see it, and how traumatic it all must have been. Even for church goers, this seemed to be blown completely out of proportion, but on a slow week for gossip the townspeople could milk a pointless story better than FOX News. 

By next Sunday, after overhearing enough stories, Trixie concluded that the “official” story was that Ms. Courtney invited Ms. Adore into the classroom under false pretenses and made a move on her. Ms. Adore knew that Ms. Courtney was a well a liked teacher and was scared of people not believing her if she told. That was when Adore’s mom saved the day after hearing noises down the hall. 

“But we only went in there to get my sweater,” Trixie argued as they walked up the steps into the church, “We didn’t hear anything. We only knew when we saw them.” 

“Enough, Trixie,” her mom snapped, opening the door for both she and her dad. 

Trixie understood that her mom was just trying to stay as much out of the situation as possible, but it still didn’t seem right to completely ignore what had actually happened. Especially when her own daughter was the one who saw it. 

Trixie walked into her Sunday school class and found a new teacher, Ms. Milk, sitting in the wooden teacher chair Ms. Courtney always sat in. Ms. Milk smiled sweetly at Trixie as  
she put her bag down and grabbed that stupid sweater from last week off of a desk chair. Trixie gave a half smile back, but was too upset to even give the poor girl a chance. 

As Trixie predicted, Ms. Milk, did not live up to Ms. Courtney, even slightly. She spent the entire Sunday School class asking open ended questions then interrupting with her own opinion before any of the children had a chance to speak. Ms. Milk would then get emotional when everyone stopped listening to her, and actually cried when she saw two of the kids pass folded up notes back and forth under the semi circled table she had them all sit in. 

Trixie heard her parents talking in the main area after the service about how Ms. Courtney wouldn’t be teaching for the rest of the year and how much of a relief it was for everyone. It was as if one, mainly false, incident completely eliminated all the food and clothing drives she helped organize, all the care package items she collected for troops, and all the students she touched though the church classes. It was the first of what would later be many times Trixie felt betrayed by her church and religion. 

Ms. Milk lasted two more Sundays before running out half way through the class after she found a crumpled up doodle depicting her with a mouth twice as big as her face. Not wanting to risk another Ms. Milk situation, the church decided that the third grade was small enough to get combined with the second grade for the remainder of the year. That was coincidentally the class Ms. Adore taught. 

Trixie hated sitting in class each week, watching Ms. Adore teach the lessons that were supposed to be Ms. Courtney’s. It was also clear that the extra students made Ms. Adore stressed, but she was always careful to speak kindly to Trixie, probably out of fear of her exposing what had really happened. Trixie didn’t attempt to challenge the story any further, though. She knew Ms. Courtney had been through enough and that anything she said wouldn’t be taken seriously. After all, there was no way the preacher’s daughter would willingly press her lips against another girl’s. 

Ms. Adore found a good, Godly boyfriend not even a month later. She brought this guy to all of the church events and flaunted him all around town as if to prove a point. Ms. Courtney’s family stopped going to church and she focused her attention on cheering, even when people would whisper and call her a dyke at the games. 

The year ended, both girls graduated, and the town found new stories to fill their time with. Ms. Courtney went to college on a cheer scholarship and studied music, and Ms. Adore got engaged on their one year anniversary. Trixie felt very bad for one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have the Courtney/Adore subplot absolutely no one asked for :) Hope you enjoyed.


	15. Summer

2009

The rest of the week was as stupid as Trixie had anticipated, with Trixie got criticism from her grandma on everything,

“Do you ever smile? Why does your only friend dress like she’s part of a motorcycle gang? This is why you only have one friend! If you looked nicer, maybe you’d get a date!” she would repeat to Trixie day in and day out. 

It didn’t bother Trixie, since she knew better than to care about what her grandma thought of her, but any teenager would still find it incredibly annoying, especially the parts that were true, like Katya being the only person she spent time with. Especially now that they’re dating, it probably wasn’t completely healthy, but no one really seemed to get Trixie in the same way. She didn’t really fit in with people at school because they thought she was weird and didn’t understand her, and while the people at church were more welcoming, she was always on edge wondering if they could see through her. Besides, she had felt conflicted by their belief system for so long now that it really made it hard to even want to try. 

After Easter was over and her grandma headed back home, the rest of the school year seemed to fly by for the two of them. The last couple month of school were often like that, since it seemed like teachers really wanted to cram in everything they possibly could before everyone forgot what they learned over summer. With so many projects and finals the girls almost didn’t realize it when that first week of June hit, and it was the girls’ last day of freshman year. 

Normally this time was really exciting for most students; the prospect of having no real responsibilities for a whole three months. This year, though, with Trixie being forced to work at camp all summer and having few opportunities to see Katya, she honestly could care less about the end of the year. Only bright side is it was one year closer to freedom, whatever that freedom actually would end up being. 

Summers were notoriously a bad time for Katya as well. She never had the money to go to camp or anything, so whenever Trixie was busy, she’d just sit around drawing and watching endless amounts of bad TV, having the back to school commercials memorized by late July. Summer also meant more time at home, and less excuses she had for not spending copious amounts of time with her step father, who coincidentally would often find himself without work around the same time that Katya got out of school. Top that off with her birthday starting the entire season off, and she was left with a difficult few months. 

This year, the last day of school fell on Katya’s fifteenth birthday, something she really didn’t appreciate. Katya never liked to do anything that special on her birthday and really hated people drawing attention to it. Jokes from teachers and classmates about her family surprising her after she explained she wasn’t doing anything made her particularly uncomfortable, since surprises in her family were rarely a good thing. Trixie was luckily really mindful of that and tried not to do too much out of the ordinary. Most couples at their school would decorate the other’s locker all fancy and bring them cupcakes and balloons that they’d be forced to walk around with all day bringing even more attention. Trixie however, wanting to be respectful of her girlfriend, treated it like as normal day, as she could. 

As a gift Trixie just bought two lockets, one with her picture inside, and one and one with Katya’s. This way they could be close to each other, despite how infrequently they were probably going to see each other this summer. She presented it quietly to Katya on the bus, when no one else was paying attention. Katya was immediately touched, and rested her head on Trixie’s shoulder quickly to show appreciation, then rubbed her hand back and forth on Trixie’s bare thigh, with her backpack blocking any sign of what was going on. 

One nice thing about her birthday being today, was that people were too focused on it being the last day, to take notice of what names were read during their morning announcements. This allowed Katya to get through her last day fairly unscathed. Madame Max did get her a small card that read “Bon Anniversaire” but she gave it to her quietly at the end, and was mainly using it as an excuse to give her a list of websites she could use to practice her French over the summer. 

“See if you can invite Trixie over, and accidentally teach her something.” Madame Max joked as the final bell rang for the year. Trixie darted out of the class, without saying anything, her books nearly tumbling over her, and waited for Katya across the hall. 

“It’s the last day. She can’t hold you hostage now.” Katya laughed. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Trixie said holding her books close, “It think I’m permanently traumatized by the French language at this point.” 

“But what about my dream about a honeymoon in Paris?” Katya whined cutely, pressing her head against the wall. 

“I’m pretty sure we can get by with just English in Paris, Texas, Kat.” Trixie teased, leaning against the wall herself, placing her hand on Katya’s arm, fighting the urge to do more, and trying to ignore the fact that Katya referenced something as serious and long term as a honeymoon.

They stood there in silence, taking in all the madness that surrounded them. Seniors were hugging and crying, reminiscing over all the halls and classrooms, that suddenly had so much meaning to them, and underclassmen were cheering, hanging on the door frames, and rushing out as if their lives depended on it. They waited for the crowds to die down a bit, making fun of all the emotional cheerleaders, knowing deep down that would be them soon enough, and headed out to their buses. 

Trixie, not wanting Katya to be at home today, insisted on Katya coming back to her house to spend time together, and be away from any unsafe situations. Katya felt guilty that Trixie wanted to act as her protector when it came to her family, but the reality was things like that were more important than anyone understood. Trixie gave her a sense of safety, and as bad as she felt, she honestly didn’t know what she would do without it. 

They rounded the corner to Trixie’s street, and saw her dad bent over into the hood of an old orange pick-up truck. Seeming to struggle locking a piece in. 

“You okay, dad?” Trixie asked walking up to the car, hearing him mutter a series of four letter words under his breath. 

“I’m great, Trixie,” he said sarcastically, taking himself away from the car, and wiping his hands on the old, oil stained rag from his pocket. “So how does it feel surviving your first   
year of high school?” her dad asked, a little too eager. 

“Fine,” both girls answered in unison, shrugging their shoulders.

“That’s it?” Trixie’s dad chuckled, “These years go by fast girls, at least try to enjoy them.” 

“Why don't you and mom just stamp that on a tshirt?” Trixie laughed, sarcastically.

“No, we’ve just lived more life than you two” Her dad said sarcastically rolling his eyes. 

He went off, giving some speech about the best year of their life while Trixie and Katya nodded silently, half paying attention, allowing her father to feel useful. They then went inside and down to Trixie’s basement, locking the door behind them. 

Once downstairs, Katya immediately went to at it, pressing Trixie’s body against a wall kissing her slowly, cupping Trixie’s head into her hands. She rubbed her hands up and down Trixie’s chest, brushing against her breasts as she continued kissing, causing Trixie to shiver and quietly squeak. 

“Hey Kat?” Trixie asked in between kisses, “Did you mean what you said about a Honeymoon?” 

“Yeah,” Katya resting her hands on Trixie’s hips, “I’ve always wanted mine to be there.” Katya smiled. 

“No, about us going together.” Trixie smiling nervously, “If I’m the person you go with, that means I’m the person you, you know,” Trixie pulled herself closer, resting her head on Katya’s shoulder. 

“I mean,” Katya said, moving her hand to Trixie’s back and slowly rubbing it up and down, “I wouldn’t mind that.” 

“Neither would I” Trixie responded placing a single kiss on Katya’s shoulder. 

Katya giggled, unable to conceal a smile. They kissed a bit longer, pressing their lips and moving their faces every which way, before Katya turned her face away, without warning.

“Trix?” Katya said, arms still wrapped around her, voice becoming slower and more timid, “I think I’m in love with you.” 

“Yeah?” Trixie tilting over, to see the look on Katya’s face, still trying to recover from what Katya was doing to her, and not fully able to comprehend what was being said immediately.

Once her body calmed down though, she felt an intense feeling rush over her, like she heard the most incredible thing imaginable. It felt almost surreal. 

“It’s just,” Katya began, trying to figure out how to word what she’s feeling, “you’re my favorite person to do things with, and you’re fun and pretty and treat me way better than anyone else I’ve known.” 

Katya felt practically naked after revealing what she had been feeling to Trixie. This wasn’t like her. Since she never felt safe to open up to her people growing up, doing this was weird, awkward and uncomfortable. That said, saying these things to someone like Trixie felt way more natural than it would with anyone else. It was almost good kind of uncomfortable, kind of exciting and new. 

“I love you too, Katya,” Trixie whispered softly, sounding like she was about to cry, rocking herself in Katya’s arms, “I think all the time about how lucky I am that you feel the same   
way I do, and that neither of us has to go through things alone. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

The girls looked up, their eyes meeting and cheeks blushing red. They kissed each other slowly, but quietly, since Trixie’s parents were upstairs. When they pulled away, Katya was the one crying the hardest, almost uncontrollably. She tried to stop herself but just kept sniffing and breathing heavily, interrupting the cries briefly by faint smiles. 

“Are you okay?” Trixie giggled quietly, thumbing a couple tears off Katya’s cheeks. 

“I just didn’t think many people would want to love me,” Katya admitted, her voice growing darker, “There are so many people in the world. Why would anyone choose me?” 

“I can’t imagine ever not wanting you.” Trixie replied, kissing Katya’s tear dripped cheek. “And any thoughts you ever have about that are dead wrong. I still don’t know how I got you.” 

Katya wiped the tears on both sides of her face, and forced a smile to make Trixie happy. She hated how little she thought of herself sometimes, but it was really hard to stop, and accepting real love, was practically foreign to her. Years of abuse left her feeling dirty, unlovable, and only physically useful, as Katya put it kindly. Compliments felt like a sick little trick to get something out of her, or simply something disingenuous. She couldn’t stop that little voice in her head telling her they were wrong. She didn’t know why things weren’t different when it came to Trixie, but she desperately wanted them to be. Looking at Trixie’s beautiful blue eyes and loving smile, made her realize the amazing thing she had going with her and made her almost want to love herself as much. 

After what seemed like endless amounts of kissing and physical embracing, Katya and Trixie moved to the couch acting like a two elementary schoolers pretending to plan their dream wedding together, laughing about wearing winter coats over their dresses, since the only place they could legally marry was Massachusetts. 

“At least we’d have a good excuse not to invite our families,” Trixie joked, trying to conceal the disappointment, realizing that if this ever were to actually happen, there was a good chance she would be without that support system, “No one’s going to want to fly all the way there.” 

I’ll still make it perfect for you,” Katya promised holding Trixie’s hand in between both of hers, knowing how worried Trixie “Plus we can see where they dumped the tea.” She said changing the subject, and sounding more excited

“Huh?” Trixie looked up confused

“Did you pay attention in any of your classes?” Katya asked, jokingly nudging her before walking over to the board game box and pulling out a stack of games for them to play the rest of the day, before cuddling up with a movie. 

“Hey,” Katya said whispering into Trixie’s ear, once they settled in to watch Contact, again, “Thanks for making this birthday so special,” 

“You deserved it” Trixie said curing up in Katya’s arms as the opening credits played. 

“And thanks for,” Katya said slower, “Thanks for loving me, and stuff,” 

“You’re silly,” Trixie said simply before placing a single kiss on Katya’s lips.


	16. Work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, guys! Here is a nice, long chapter that won't make up for the fact there's not Drag Race this week *insert tears here* but will still be something to do. I had so many high school summer flashbacks writing this, and maybe you will as well. Follow me on tumblr, The-Rest-is-Drag95, to basically just see me fangirl over Kameron Michaels :)

2009

Trixie’s heart felt like exploding all weekend long. Even the simplest of things made her think of the beautiful blond girl she could, if only in private, officially claim to love. It was so hard reminding herself to not bring up Katya’s name in nearly every conversation with her family, and to hold back smiling like an idiot whenever they were around her parents. The best parts, though, were when her parents were out or when the two of them were in the privacy of Trixie's room or basement; they could just be, without any restraint or hesitation. She didn’t know feelings like this were possible, and at last felt she understood what all the other girls at school meant, when they would blabber on in the locker room about their boyfriends and how incredible it was to be in love. Trixie used to think it was all just a big show, like some teen movie fantasy girls were pretending to recreate. It was a nice surprise to see how wrong she was.

A few times throughout the weekend, she found her mind wandering, imagining how much more amazing it would be without the added pressure to keep things so secretive, but she knew deep down those thoughts weren’t worth exploring, and that it was better to just be grateful to have something like this to begin with. 

For Katya, just the idea of having an actual girlfriend was so surreal, but still such an indescribable feeling. She loved that she could go on for half an hour about the most random of topics, and at the end Trixie would still be smiling, holding on to every word. She also loved the little things they could do for each other in front of people like hold the door open or offer to refill the other’s glass when it was empty. Things that seemed standard to unsuspecting parents, meant so much more to the two of them. 

On Sunday afternoon the girls found themselves in Trixie’s bed, Trixie moaning and squeaking away, as Katya pressed her entire body into Trixie, sucking and kissing all over her, smiling to herself at how cute Trixie was every time she tried to hide the sounds she made. Katya accidentally let out a soft giggle into Trixie’s chest, then looked up at her, blushing, as Trixie smoothed her hands up and down Katya’s back. 

“Sorry,” Katya smiled, her heart still beating rapidly, shivering from the touch of Trixie’s hands running up and down her, “You just sound adorable when we get like this.” 

“It’s not my fault you can’t restrain yourself,” Trixie replied completely dead panned, pulling Katya, who was currently resting her head in between Trixie’s tank top covered breasts, up closer to her face. 

“Fine,” Katya teased placing a quick kiss on Trixie’s cheek, “this was cool. I’ll see you around.” 

“Don’t even joke about that,” Trixie exhaled placing Katya’s hand on one of her breasts and pressing down hard. 

Katya smiled happily pleasing her once again, enjoying every little sound and movement that came out of her. Getting off just by listening to how happy this made Trixie. 

This continued until night fell, and Trixie parents came home, wanting her to get ready for her first day of camp the next morning. Trixie felt energized and almost lightheaded as she made her lunch and laid out her shorts and god-awful staff tshirt. She smiled looking down at the slight indent in the pillow that Katya used when they were cuddling, wishing only that it could have lasted even longer. 

Katya on the other hand, came home to find her parents in the middle of one of their drunken screaming matches on the other side of the house. She tip toed carefully up the stairs, hoping neither would notice her. She tried her best to ignore the screaming, by drawing a picture of Trixie in the nearly see-through thin white tank top, and tight pink shorts she had on this afternoon. It helped a little, especially because of how irresistible Trixie was today, but after she was done, she looked down at the picture, as screams and slurs surrounded as background noise and grew sadder, wondering if her own mom ever grew weak in her knees just by looking at someone, or loved so intensely that it made her cry. She wondered how her mom could pick the kind of life she was living downstairs instead of the kind Katya had with Trixie just minutes down the road. Money or not, this couldn’t possibly be the better choice. 

The next morning, Katya’s arm set off blaring at 7 am on the dot. It was one hour later than school, but she knew she be used to the time change soon enough. Katya was assigned to work the mornings and afternoons, the same shifts her mom had so that they could ride together. Not having to worry about getting there was nice, but she honestly had no idea how she was supposed to last working with her mom all summer long, especially since the place was small, and only one other waitress had been hired to work the same times as them. 

“I think you’re really going to like the other girl with us this summer,” Katya’s mom said, flicking her cigarette ashes out the car window.” 

“And why is that?” Katya sighed, waiting desperately for the coffee she drank this morning to kick in. 

“Well,” her mom lowered her voice as if they weren’t the only two in the car, “I think she might be gay.” 

“Why? Did she show up in flannel and offer to fix the broken podium?” 

“Huh?” 

“…Nevermind.” 

Katya took out her phone and opened it up, hoping that would prevent her mom from talking to her. Her voice was far too enthusiastic, especially for someone hung over at 8 in the morning. Trixie had sent her a photo message captioned “First Day of Hell.”, accompanied by a mirror picture of an irritated Trixie in a bright yellow shirt with a smiling sun. 

“See your there…” Katya typed back after sneaking an unflattering angle of her mom’s bloodshot eyes and cigarette in her mouth. 

Katya hadn’t been inside the restaurant in years. When she was younger, her mom would often sneak her in the back, and hide wrapped food in her backpack whenever her stepdad was out of work. Walking in now, though, Katya honestly couldn’t understand how this place was even in business anymore. Everything was dark, gray, and falling apart, and they rarely had any customers other than their small bunch of regulars. 

“Sorry. We open at ten.” She heard a slow, monotone voice call out from underneath the counter, “Oh thank god. It’s just you two.” The young woman said poking her head out and wiping her hand with a rag before walking gracefully over. “You must be Katya.” She smiled, sticking her hand out to greet her. 

This girl had an intimidating yet intriguing presence about her as she looked intensely down at Katya. She was definitely older, and Katya didn’t recognize her from school, meaning she was probably lucky enough to be out already. Her facial features were sharp, and she managed to have a near perfect Smokey eye, while still looking like she was in a perpetual state of over it. 

Katya, still too tired to effectively display any sort of social graces, tried to read the girl’s name on her uniform tag, but her label was pinned incorrectly. She looked at it for a few seconds more trying to make out the letters before realizing how painfully awkward she must have looked. 

“Your name tag is upside down!” She stupidly blurted out, wishing she knew how to behave properly in public. 

“Oh,” the girl said with next to no emotion, eyeing Katya up and down like some little pity project, “my name’s Alaska.” 

Alaska fixed her name tag then walked back over to the counter to roll napkins that needed to be filled with silver wear. Katya couldn’t tell if her mom was right about her being gay. She tried to discreetly scan her, looking for rainbow accessories, but other than that, she honestly didn’t even know what signs she was supposed to be looking for. They had a work uniform, so even if she did wear flannel, Katya wouldn’t know, and she didn’t even know if that was a sign, or just something people just said. She hoped she was, though. Trixie was the only other person she knew that was like her, and even though Katya was fairly comfortable with herself, it was still scary having no one to go to.

“So are you in school?” Katya asked slowly, trying to break the ice with this girl as she grabbed a napkin, fork and knife from the counter. 

“I mean yeah, I’m in college.” Alaska replied, barely looking up from what she was doing, “too bad these aren’t joints, huh?” Alaska teased, giving Katya a little nudge. 

“Oh, um, I don’t smoke much…” Katya looked down, embarrassed by her youth and inexperience. 

“Shit. That makes sense,” Alaska exclaimed, noticing Katya’s higher pitched voice and still developing figure, “how old are you again?” 

“Fifteen,” Katya admitted, crossing her arms over her front in an effort to hid how gangly she was.

“Geez that’s young.” Alaska stated before grabbing a handful of rolled silver wear and placing them around the linoleum tables. 

Katya followed suit always placing them one table behind Alaska’s, trying and failing to build up the courage to talk to her about literally anything. Unfortunately talking to people outside of her comfort zone was never one of Katya’s stronger qualities. She was usually so scared of saying something stupid that it was easier to just keep things in her head and let people that didn’t know her assume she was quiet.

“Do you need an adult?” Alaska chuckled, looking back at the lost little puppy dog that Katya had become. 

“Probably.” Katya replied with a little too much sincerity.

Alaska looked out the window, watching Katya’s mom blow out the cigarette smoke from her mouth, and nodded as if she understood.

They went back to the counter, watching the cars drive past their empty parking lot, bracing themselves for the uneventful summer they were bound to have. 

“So what do you do for fun around here?” Alaska sighed, as the two began building a tower out of the Styrofoam cups. “That was always the worst part about growing up here. Nothing ever happens.” 

“Oh I usually just hang out with-“ Katya paused feeling her face break into an uncontrollable smile the second she thought of Trixie. She couldn’t tell if she was blushing, but judging by the smirk on Alaska’s face, she could make a pretty good assumption. “my- my friend.” Katya stammered quickly, realizing she was about to completely expose Trixie’s sexuality, had she mentioned her name. 

Alaska laughed quietly to herself, while stacking another row of cups, before pausing to ask playfully, “Do you have a boyfriend, Katya?”

“No,” Katya paused briefly, “but I have a girlfriend.” she answered softly, placing a cup at the very top of her tower, causing the entire thing to knock over. 

“Aw! Gayby.” Alaska smiled, immediately acting much more open, as if revealing that somehow managed to break an invisible barrier set between the two of them. “Gosh I would have never wanted to be out at your age.” Alaska said, hoping Katya would pick up on the fact that she was like her as she bent down to help Katya clean up. 

“My mom was right.” Katya rolled her eyes smiling, “she told me this morning that she thought you might be.” 

“So she knows about you?” Alaska asked her tone more serious, hoping to get an idea of how much she was allowed to say around her. 

“Not about the girlfriend, but she knows I’m gay,” Katya replied, turning her attention now to the multicolored sugar packets, “she doesn’t care though.” Katya added beginning to rearrange the packets by color.” 

“You’re lucky,” Alaska said flatly, staring out at the gray, gloomy sky. 

“My dad’s the one I have to worry about,” Katya muttered, just loudly enough that Alaska ended up hearing. 

Her face grew concerned, and she looked at Katya as if she wanted her to elaborate, but she didn’t want to involve Alaska in her family drama and immediately scare her off. 

“He’s just annoying,” Katya said quickly, brushing off any reason for concern before going back to what she was doing.

Katya had made up three different color patterns by the time the first customer walked in. He was an older gentleman dressed in a plaid button down and suspenders. He used to manage the hardware store in town, but had since retired. 

“I can take him,” Katya offered, picking up the small, coffee stained notepad next to the register, “my mom says he comes in every week alone, ordering the same thing.” 

“Ew,” Alaska replied, digging through the pile of receipts, in search of a working pen for Katya, “remind me never to die here.” 

Katya went over to the man’s booth, and he immediately launched into a speech, commenting on how similar Katya and her mom looked. Katya nodded and smiled through the discomfort, took his order and raced back to the counter. She hated when people compared her to her parents. 

He ordered his usual biscuits and gravy, just as Katya predicted and proceeded to engage Katya, along with her mom, in endless amounts of small talk through the duration of his meal. It was incredibly awkward for Katya, having to stand there quietly, watching this man speak smoothly to Katya’s mom, dropping subtle hints and compliments while she happily encouraged him the entire time. 

“Feel free to take him next week,” Katya grumbled carrying the serving tray back to the kitchen once the man had walked out. 

“I will if he tips me that nicely,” Alaska said clearing the plates from a couple that came in shortly after, “is that a $20 bill in your apron?” 

“Only if you have a hot, young mom who strategically leaves her wedding ring in her pocket. 

“Damn that’s smart,” Alaska said trying to wipe a glob of syrup off her hands, “mine just looks like a soccer mom, except I never played soccer so she just looks tragic.” 

“I don’t think he’s in a position to be that picky,” Katya joked, watching his suspender strap come undone while walking to his Buick. “but I’m sure he’d disagree.” 

The girls burst out in laughter as he drove off, waving to Katya’s mom, who was already on her second smoke break of the day. 

Over at the church, things for Trixie were going considerably worse. She had already gotten a crash course in diaper changing, and nearly sent two kids into an allergy attack after mixing up the lunch boxes. 

“It’s not my fault we have two Alexis M’s, Trixie said angrily to herself, tossing the nearly identical turquoise lunch bags at the girls. 

Trixie was also starting to realize that Nathan was even more clueless at camp than he was when they worked together at Sunday school. Everything from handling temper tantrums, to knowing how to quiet everyone down during nap time fell on Trixie’s shoulders, while Nathan observed nervously, unsure of what to do. It was becoming more and more clear to Trixie that his mom was the only reason he was able to get this job in the first place. 

“Well that sucked,” Trixie announced to Nathan, slamming the church door shut and flopping down onto the church steps to wait for her mom. 

Nathan sat himself beside her, both smelling like crayons and animal crackers. Trixie looked out at the abandoned road, hoping to see her bright red van drive up the road. The already gray sky started darkening further, as puffy rain clouds rapidly built up in the distance. Trixie took out her phone and found four new messages flashing. The first three were from Katya, all ironically captioned pictures of structures made from restaurant supplies, and the last was from her mom that read “Huge crowds at the grocery store. Now stuck at my hair appointment. Be there at 4:30.” 

Trixie looked at the 3:12 time flash on her phone and sighed. 

“Anything to do around here for the next hour?” Trixie asked rolling her eyes, “My mom can’t get here until 4:30.” 

“Yikes that is an hour from now,” Nathan declared looking at his wristwatch as if Trixie hadn’t just made that same point. 

Nathan stood back up and walked over to the church doors attempting to twist the knobs a few times with little success. 

“Um, my mom still has the key…” Nathan told Trixie, who was looking up nervously at the clouds moving in closer by the minute. “Hey, me and some friends from the homeschool group are gonna hang out over at the library. Dela just texted me that they’re two minutes away. You’re welcome to join us.”

Trixie hesitated, thinking about being trapped in the library with Nathan and his friends, when she received another text from her mom informing her it would be closer to 5:00. Before she could respond, the clouds opened up, and a stream of heavy rain drops crashed onto the two of them. Trixie threw her phone in her bag, hugging it close to protect it from water damage. Trixie saw headlights racing down the path to the entrance of the church, stopping the second it got to the doors. 

“Come on!” Nathan called out, motioning to Trixie and racing over to open the door for her. 

Trixie mumbled to herself bitterly, before reluctantly following Nathan into the car.


	17. Library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those that follow me on Tumblr, you know I'm a dumbass and drove away in my car with the finished chapter still on my roof last week, and had to rewrite everything this past week when I had work training every night. It's fine. Luckily I think I included a couple new things while rewriting, so hopefully this was all for the best. 
> 
> Also, I know it's hinted that Dela is in this chapter, but that has now changed, as I felt another character fit in this chapter better. Sincerest apologies to any die-hard BenDela fans; I will try and see if she fits in somewhere i the future <3 Follow me on tumblr, the-rest-is-drag95 to see what dumb stuff I end up doing this week :)

2009 

Trixie quickly slid into the back seat, with Nathan following, bumping up against her almost as if it was deliberate. The cool car air made her shiver as it blew against her wet t shirt. Nathan handed her his sweater, an offer she quickly declined. She placed her bag on her lap to shield herself, but the rain had completely soaked it, leaving a damp spot right in the center of her shorts. 

“Crap,” Trixie thought to herself, looking down at the unfortunate placement, hoping it would dry before they got to the library. 

“It’s so cool that you were able to join us today, Trixie,” She heard Cracker, one of the homeschooled church kids say from the driver’s seat, “you always seem to be in a rush after church.” 

Trixie took a big sigh before giving an insincere half nod, not at all regretful for getting out as quickly as humanly possibly each Sunday. 

“We can’t blame her though,” Blair, the sweet one, added turning back with the gentlest smile, “it must be tiring working with those kiddos, sometimes,” she offered as encouragement. 

“Well, all that matters is that it’s nice having her here now,” Cracker replied sharply, but in a fake, kind hearted tone that seemed like an automated reply to hide any true emotions. 

It was as if these girls were programmed to have a kind-hearted, cheery responses to nearly everything being said. Like they were forced to hide their true emotions and feeling of each other behind a bright shiny mask that only they were convinced seemed real. Things like that reminded Trixie that she wasn’t the only church girl to hide her true feelings. The only difference was, what they were hiding probably weren’t things God saw as abominations. 

They sat there for a few minutes with the Christian rock station playing in the background, as Blair, Cracker, and Nathan chatted about some homeschool drama that didn’t pertain to her. Suddenly, a new song started and all three instantly gasped with enthusiasm before turning up the volume and shouting the lyrics as loudly as they could, giggling along like it was some joke Trixie wasn’t in on. 

After what felt an hour they finally pulled into the library parking lot. Nathan led the way, rushing past the book shelves and CD racks to a back room at the far end of the library that Trixie didn’t know even existed. The room was reasonably bare, lacking the local flyers or reading posters that were displayed prominently throughout the rest of the building. The only thing in there was a small circle of folding chairs set up like a twelve step meeting. It was quickly starting to occur to Trixie that this wasn’t just a regular after camp hang out. 

Trixie followed their lead, pulling out a chair next to Nathan, bracing herself for whatever this was about to be. She saw Cracker reach into her bag and pull out a heavily used bible with a rhinestone cross made out of phone gems on the front. Blair and Nathan followed suit, taking out their respective bibles and placing them on their laps. Trixie took out her bag, pretending to look for hers, knowing full well it was probably shoved under her bed somewhere collecting dust. Nathan tapped her on the shoulder, startling her, before holding up his bible, offering to share. She nodded, faking defeat, and scooted over. Nathan’s decorations were even more tacky than Cracker’s, with a mini American flag taped to the front with McCain/Palin bumper stickers, in case anyone had any questions regarding his feelings on the separation between church and state. 

“Thank you guys so much for coming to homeschool bible study,” Cracker began as Trixie started fuming over what she had just been lured into, “I know summer always makes this group smaller, but we are so blessed to have Trixie here this evening.

Cracker led them in a quick prayer before starting off today’s controversial topic, keeping God in mind, in spite of negative outside influences. Trixie began growing nervous, wondering what this was going entail. 

“Now more than ever, negative, ungodly influences are encroaching in on our everyday lives,” Cracker began, as if on a podium, preaching to hundreds, “now with social media being as prominent as it is, it’s nearly unavoidable to see things that are immoral or sexualized.” 

“Amen!” Nathan shouted as dramatically as humanly possible, “I feel like I can’t even innocently turn on my computer, without being completely bombarded with sex!” 

“Maybe you should get off Pornhub,” Trixie joked silently to herself. 

“It’s just really troubling,” Blair responded looking far too worried considering this conversation was one step away from a full on conspiracy theory, “I was talking about this with my dad, and he says we wouldn’t believe the amount of people our age already… you know…” she widened her eyes and nodded her head with intention, still not comfortable at the age of fifteen, to even say the word. 

Trixie was certain she could believe the amount of people having sex. What she couldn’t believe was wanting to discuss any of this with her parents. She didn’t even like how awkward hers were during make out scenes in movies. 

“Well, I think when it comes to people our age, we need to keep fighting for public schools to implement abstinence only programs.” Cracker said enthusiastically as Trixie held back her tongue in disgust. “Trixie you’ve been awfully quiet,” Cracker remarked, startling her, “What kinds of things do they teach at your school?” 

Trixie had to think about that one for a second. She honestly didn’t remember anything about health class, other than getting in trouble for joking around with the CPR dummies. The sex education unit didn’t exactly apply to her, so she never really paid enough attention to remember what they even talked about. After several seconds had passed without Trixie saying something, Nathan took it upon himself to fill the silence, in true Nathan fashion. 

“I think the fact that she’s not saying anything speaks volumes,” he said on her behalf, “It was clearly uncomfortable enough that she isn’t able to even discuss it out loud.” 

Trixie rolled her eyes subtly enough that none of the others could see it. She could have said something to shoot him down, and in hindsight she probably should have, but it was just easier to let them assume what Nathan had said, since she really didn’t want anyone at church to see her as someone different from them this summer. She gave the faintest of nods, then let Cracker have her moment again. 

They talked a bit more about teenage sex until they had successfully driven the topic deep into the ground. Blair came up with the idea of having a modestly fashion show to remind people that summer wear doesn’t have to be scandalous. Trixie thought it sounded painful, but somehow got roped into participating anyway. She could already picture Katya in the audience, taking pictures that would be used as blackmail for the rest of her life. 

After a quick side conversation about some TV show Trixie had never heard of, the topic shifted slightly. 

“Homosexuality is another one I think a lot of young people are getting exposed to,” Blair said. 

Despite knowing objectively that Blair was probably looking at everyone, Trixie could have sworn Blair looked at her for a second or two longer when she said that. She could feel a pit growing in her stomach and felt her nerves creep up her body, unsure as to how far this conversation was going to go, and that if somehow, they could sense anything in her. 

“That’s very true Blair,” Cracker said, putting her hand on Blair’s shoulder, “there are so many shows now that feature gay characters. Then of course there’s that whole social media movement where everyone was posting those equal signs. I don’t know what they even mean.” 

“Take a wild guess…” Trixie thought once again to herself, becoming more disturbed by each comment being made. 

This went on for several minutes, with all three of them feeling the need to give their ill-informed opinion regarding this. Most of it, Trixie could just laugh off as silly church ignorance, such as not understanding how they have sex. Trixie wished they could pick up on the irony of them saying how everything is too sexualized, while simultaneously discussing nothing but sex for the past hour. 

It was only towards the end, when the topic grew darker, that Trixie had difficulty taking it in. 

“I hear they keep trying to get their marriage legal,” Blair brought up, as if it was some newfound concept no one had heard of. 

“But it isn’t a marriage!” Nathan yelled, clearly more invested than Trixie had realized. “Look. There’s a reason God said what did in the bible. It’s sick, and he hates it. Why else would he let them all die of AIDS?” 

Trixie froze. She felt everything go numb, trying to take in what Nathan had just so easily stated. She looked around at the others. They were clearly disturbed by the comment, but no one was about to be caught dead in this church sticking up for people like that unless they wanted rumors spread about them instead. She knew she should have said something and that allowing him say that only reinforces his perception of being right. Trixie wished in this moment she could be like Katya, out to the world without any explanation or apologies, not secretly feeling disgusted when she sat and thought for too long about what it really meant to be like her. 

Trixie shouldn’t have let it get to her. She should have shoved it off as stupid male ignorance, but instead, she just sat there, as if paralyzed by her own emotions and fear. She didn’t say anything for the rest of the meeting, but luckily, people were too distracted by Nathan’s heated claims to really notice. 

By the time the meeting was finished, the rain had finally let up. The library was close enough to Trixie’s house that she could walk herself home, giving her time to think, and time away from the group. She started on the path through the abandoned field, that would eventually become her neighborhood, watching a car or tractor pass her every now and then on the road against her. At first, she entertained her mind, humming songs quietly to herself or daydreaming impossible scenarios she knew would never see reality. However, she could only be with those thoughts for so long before her mind wandered back to Nathan, and what he had said. 

The more she thought about it, the more she had trouble arguing against him. After all, why did God let gay people get sick like that, or put them in a situations compromising their own happiness in one way or another? Why did he let some countries enact inhumane punishments on members of the community just for being who they are? If it wasn’t something he was right about, why was she able to think of so many reasons that supported him, just on this walk home. Of course, she knew there were gay people out there who lived happy and successful lives, but they were on TV, or in movies, and felt so far removed from her little town that they almost didn’t feel fully real. 

She reached her house about forty five minutes later, her mom making dinner by the stove and her dad just getting in from work. It was the perfect depiction of the classic American family. Sometimes, when Trixie had a minute, she would try and envision herself in this domestic role with a child and working husband, just like everyone else she knew wanted, but no matter how hard she tried, it never felt right. 

“Hey, baby. How was it today?” Her mom asked looking up from the steaming pot. 

“If I tell you the truth does that mean I won’t have to go back?” Trixie asked throwing her bag down. 

“One more comment like that, and you’ll be stuck changing oil all summer!” Her dad roared. 

“Why does everyone keep using that as a threat?!” Trixie argued, much more emotional, “I already told you I’d rather work there anyway!” 

“Trixie, stop being dramatic!” her mom looked over narrowing her eyes, letting Trixie know not to continue, before changing the subject entirely, “did you have fun with Nathan this afternoon?” 

“Yes, mother, it was lovely.” Trixie mocked, showing her mom she was capable of being just a fake as everyone else in church.

“Such a good kid, that Nathan is,” her dad remarked, rolling his eyes at Trixie before handing her a stack of plates to set the table with. 

“Trixie, when you see him tomorrow, please invite his whole family over for dinner and a movie this weekend. 

“What?!” Trixie exclaimed before remembering who she was talking to. She put on a fake nervous laugh and continued on with the conversation, “um, why are we inviting them over here?” She pretended to whine. 

“We promise not to embarrass you too much,” Her dad teased. 

The next day at camp was even more brutal for Trixie, still not over what Nathan had said. She conveniently forgot to invite Nathan, hoping that by the time she did, he will have made other plans. What she really needed was Katya and to actually be with someone who reminded her that who she was, was okay. 

“Can I see you tonight?” she texted her during nap time. 

“Of course <3” Katya texted back just seconds later 

Trixie raced over to Katya’s the second camp let out. Nathan tried to convince her to stay longer, but that didn’t work in the slightest. 

“I missed you,” Katya smiled, both girls in the basement sneaking a quick kiss the second Trixie’s mom went back upstairs. 

“You have no idea,” Trixie said, just sitting there, holding onto Katya like a scared child, “They hate us over there, Kat. Like they don’t think we should be allowed to do anything.” 

“I know,” Katya said flatly, just allowing Trixie to vent without any interruptions. 

“Like, I already hate myself for this enough. Why do they have to sit there and make it worse when they have no idea how awful this really is for me?” 

Katya pulled away slightly placing both hands on either cheek making it impossible for her to turn away. She brought Trixie up to eye level, her eyes wider than Trixie had ever seen them, trying to be strong for both of them. 

“I never want to hear you say that again.” Katya ordered sternly, “They don’t have the right to make you feel that way about yourself, ever.” 

“Sure they do,” Trixie stated, looking down as far as she could with Katya still gripped to her. “They aren’t wrong. He does hate people like us.” 

“How do any of them know?” Katya demanded, before looking into Trixie’s eyes, seeing how torn up this conversation was making her, and deciding not to continue it any further. 

She took her hands off Trixie’s face, and just looked at her, smiling sympathetically, knowing all too well how hard it actually was to get past something you were once taught wasn’t wrong. She had first hand experience being surrounded by people who made her feel less than and powerless. It killed her seeing people do that to Trixie who Katya felt merited it less than anyone she knew. 

“Why do I care so much about what they think, anyway?” Trixie shrugged slumped down on the carpet. 

“They’re a part of you.” Katya bent over, getting on Trixie’s level, “No matter how shitty they are sometimes, they’re the people you’re going to look at for love and approval.” 

“But why?” 

“I wish I knew.” Katya sighed, hating that at this point she was talking more about herself than Trixie. 

Trixie nodded in agreement, mainly just to make Katya feel better. She wasn’t over what happened or what she was feeling, and she didn’t even bother telling Katya some of the comments made today. She was worried Katya would just brush them off as hateful, not fully understanding why they affected Trixie, anyway. It wasn’t fair to give Katya so little credit, but it was just easier than having to have another analyzing discussion. 

Trixie curled up in Katya’s lap, as Katya smiled and stroked her gently. They went up to Trixie’s room and painted each other’s toenails, giving Trixie the opportunity to be a bit distracted as she carefully brushed each nail with the black glitter polish Katya had picked out for herself. Katya was adorable, giggling and pulling away each time Trixie tickled her feet as she tried to bring them closer to her.

“You’re gonna make me get paint all over my floor!” Trixie laughed, trying to keep Katya’s foot steady, as Katya continued to flinch. 

It was perfect until it hit Trixie once again what there were and what this all meant. 

“She’s just a girl,” Trixie kept repeating in her head as Katya finishing painting a delicate little daisy on Trixie’s big toe, “girls are nice, and pretty. It’s okay to like them.” 

Katya could tell by Trixie’s distracted expression that something was still wrong. She finished up the last petal on the flower, then put the polish away, scooting close enough to Trixie so that their toes could touch. 

“What’s going on, Trix?” she asked wiggling her toes against Trixie’s, trying to make her laugh.

Trixie remained silent, just shrugging sadly as Katya tried, and failed to make her happier. 

“I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better,” Katya sighed pulling her feet away. 

“Why can’t you just be a boy?” Trixie said, tears building up in her eyes, “Then everything would be perfect.” 

“No it wouldn’t,” Katya said softly bringing Trixie in, kissing her shoulder before settling her head against it, “because if I were a boy, you wouldn’t love me.” 

And Trixie did. 

She kissed her back before resting her head on the opposite shoulder, loving how nice this felt, but worried this wasn't going to get easier any time soon.


	18. Pride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, hello! Had a ton of fun Pride related flashback writing this especially now that Pride month AND Drag Race is officially over ( what is a gay to do now??) Anyway, hope you enjoyed and um, let me know if you went to Pride <3 follow me at the-rest-is-drag95 where I begin the process of figuring out what to post about for the next 10 months :)

2009

“What are you doing next weekend?” Alaska asked Katya as the two girls went around the dining area wiping tables. 

Katya and Alaska had gotten incredibly close the last few days. Alaska had already taken her under her wing as her gay little sister, showing her this hidden world for the first time. It was nice for Katya to have someone to look up to, and Alaska loved being able to be that support she never had at Katya’s age. 

“Same stuff I’m usually doing,” Katya shrugged throwing her rag back into the soapy bucket, “Why? What’s up?” 

“Well,” Alaska said grinning, “how would you like to go to your first pride?” 

“Huh?” Katya asked confused, never even considering that this was a possibility for her. “How would I do that?” 

“The nearest city is only two hours away, Kat.” Alaska explained, laughing to herself about how unaware Katya always was, “I can drive us down and we can make a whole day it.” She described, “It’ll be fun.” 

Katya’s stomach started to jump, both from nerves and excitement. On the one hand, she could only imagine how surreal it would be, to be in an area flooded other gay people, but on the other, this would be her first real, gay event, and she was worried about not fitting in or being “gay enough” to be included. 

“S-s-sure,” she replied tentatively as Alaska grinned from ear to ear, eager over the thought of getting to be the one to expose Katya to all of this for the first time. 

Alaska saw a lot of herself in Katya, and really wanted to make life easier for Katya than it was for her. Katya always wondered why this was, and what prompted Alaska to be so supportive. Although the girls were together all day, they were still a bit of a mystery to each other when it came to anything more in depth. Both of them were fairly guarded people, and were afraid of letting anyone get too far in. Alaska could draw up basic conclusions after seeing Katya and her mom’s dynamic all day, but Katya never voluntarily shared anything herself. She thought next weekend might give her the opportunity to trust her a bit more. 

“Don’t be scared,” Alaska teased, seeing the concern in Katya’s eyes. “I won’t let anything weird happen to you. You can even bring that girl of yours if you want.”   
Katya chuckled a little thinking about Trixie actually voluntarily attending an LGBT related event. 

“That’s not really her thing,” Katya explained, picturing the paranoia Trixie would have looking over her shoulder the entire day for anyone she might know. “I’ll ask, but her family is super religious, so she’s really scared about being out to anyone.” Katya told Alaska, thinking back to how sad it was hearing Trixie talk about the people at her camp.” 

Alaska nodded in sympathy remembering back to herself at their age, “Either way it’ll be fun,” she reassured Katya before a slew of customers walked in, reminding them both where they were. 

Katya called Trixie up as soon as she and her mom got home. Katya wasn’t allowed over at Trixie’s nearly as much since summer had started because Trixie’s mom wanted her well rested and without distractions now that she was working so much. Katya loved the irony that this was never an issue while school was in session, and Trixie started fearing that this was a sign of her mother picking up on what she and Katya were doing, even though they both knew it was just her mom trying to convince Trixie that she enjoyed her job. 

“Hey pretty girl,” Katya said softly through the phone when Trixie answered. 

“I love when you call me that,” Trixie giggled. 

Katya heard Trixie in the background flopping into her bed, and scooting under the covers to make her voice as hushed as muted as possible for anyone in her house.   
“Wish I was under there with you,” Katya playfully. 

“So do I,” Trixie said, closing her eyes, pretending Katya was right beside her rolling herself against a pillow so that it almost felt like someone else was there, “this room feels so   
empty and cold. I think I’ve just gotten used to you always in it with me.” 

“Aw, that’s sweet,” 

“Yeah. Sometimes it gets bad that I close my eyes, and touch the parts of me you always do,” Trixie said incredibly casually and matter-of-factly, clearly too sheltered to understand what she was essentially disclosing to Katya. 

Katya didn’t say anything, just start crackling hysterically at the naivety of Trixie’s bluntness and lack of knowledge. 

“That’s cute, Trix,” Katya replied smirking, once finally able to calm herself. 

“What? Do you do that?” Trixie asked, which only prompted Katya to laugh harder. 

“Why don’t you google it sometime, sweetie,” Katya responded endearingly, “but yes. And I bet I do it way more than you do.” She challenged. 

“Oh my gosh. Was there a real reason you called?” Trixie asked laughed rolling her eyes. 

“Actually, yes” Katya went on to explain, already knowing Trixie’s answer, but hoping this might interest her anyway “Alaska, that girl I work with, offered to drive all of us to Pride next weekend. Apparently there’s one only a couple hours away. It could be our first one together.” 

Trixie hated herself as soon as Katya was finished asking, knowing she would never agree to anything like that. It was hard enough being gay in the privacy of her own room. The idea of going to an event that symbolized everything she disliked about herself was too much to even think about. What if someone saw her there, or her parents figured out what she was going to. She also wasn’t ready for strangers to know what she was, and going to something like that was a certain level of self-acceptance that she just wasn’t ready for yet. Even with Katya by her side, she just couldn’t bring herself to actually agree to it. 

“I’m sorry, Kat.” Trixie sighed. She felt like that scared kid at kindergarten that cried outside the classroom on the first day, while everyone else passed her to start the day. 

“Don’t be,” Katya immediately replied, trying to mask her slight disappointment, “I knew this wasn’t your thing. We can do something the next day, just the two of us. It’s fine. I promise.” 

Katya wasn’t upset at Trixie by any means. She was more upset by the people around her, but that was nothing new. Nevertheless, the response from Katya, in some ways, only made Trixie feel worse. It sucked to know Katya had already written her off for not wanting to go, and had already assumed she’d be too scared. 

After their phone call, Trixie headed downstairs to find her mom finishing up a phone call of her own. 

“That was Nathan’s mom,” she said, clearly irritated with Trixie as she put the phone back in its place, “I thought I told you days ago to invite them over.” 

“Oh, um, I forgot,” she lied, shrugging her shoulders and grabbing a Girl Scout cookie from the pantry, irritated that a stupid excuse like that would never get past her mom. 

“Well unfortunately, because of your absentmindedness his family already made plans and won’t be able to come over until next weekend.” 

At least Trixie hadn’t agreed to Pride with Katya now. Trixie reluctantly nodded silently then went back up to her room to avoid contact with her family for the rest of the evening. 

She hated this. It was bad enough feeling trapped and suffocated at work, but lately her mom had been so pushy and hovering that she was making her home just as unbearable. All of these expectations to display this perfect image and surround herself with wholesome people was becoming harder, especially considering the struggle she was having with herself. 

She turned all the lights off and hid under her blanket once again, hoping that somehow things would magically get better in the morning. 

Early that next Saturday, Katya found both she and Alaska in her room, getting ready to head out to Katya’s first ever pride. Alaska brought over rainbow tie dye shorts and a black glitter top for Katya to borrow, along with tons of temporary tattoos they could decorate themselves with. 

“Are you sure this isn’t too much?” Katya asked Alaska as she patted a damp wash cloth against Katya’s check. 

Alaska teasingly rolled her eyes, holding Katya’s chin steady to keep her still. After a few seconds, Alaska carefully peeled away the wet paper to reveal a rainbow heart tattoo on her left cheek. 

“Go get a mirror!” Alaska ordered, eager to see Katya’s face once she saw herself. 

Katya grabbed a large hand mirror from her dresser and sat on the bed next to Alaska, looking at herself, almost unrecognizable. Alaska had done her entire face of makeup, giving her bright rainbow eye shadow on each eye, fine smokey eyeliner, and tons of mascara to make her eyes pop. Both girls had tattoos of rainbows, gender symbols and the Human rights campaign, adorning their cheeks and arms. 

“Just remind me to wash this all off before we come back. I don’t want my parents to see any of it.” Katya asked Alaska, before the two of them walked out to Alaska’s beat up black Volkswagen beetle. 

Alaska blasted this angsty emo rock the entire way there, scream singing along to nearly every song that came up, while Katya laughed at her for having music taste that hadn’t evolved in two years. She wished Trixie could be here to experience this. The only other people Trixie had were those church kids, and it was clear how much influence they all had on her lately. 

After two hours of speeding down unfamiliar highways and missing their exit twice, Katya and Alaska had finally arrived Pride. 

“You’ll need this,” Alaska said handing Katya a small drawstring bag before the two made their way over to the festivities. 

Even just walking up to the event, was unlike anything Katya had ever seen. Same sex couple holding hands just out in the open, People wearing pride flags around their necks like capes, and boys in dresses, rocking their heels and makeup way better than Katya ever could. It was surreal to think this existed just two hours away. 

They got a front row spot for the parade, making friends with the others around her. Two women she and Alaska started talking to, Morgan and Tatianna, had been together nearly ten years. Katya hoped that ten years from now she and Trixie would be like that, watching the two wrapped up in each other, even in the sticky, blazing heat. 

Float after float started riding down the main road, blasting songs like Just Dance and I Kissed a Girl and throwing endless amounts and beads, lube and condom packets. Katya jokingly wiggled her body to the music, collecting every freebie given out, wanting to have as many memories of this day as possible. 

“What’s PFLAG?” Katya asked turning to Alaska, as the simple purple banner, with little music and fanfare walked towards them on the parade route. 

“Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays,” Alaska replied, handing a mini bottle of lubricant to a skinny bleach blond boy behind her, “some of their events are cool.” 

One older man in particular caught Katya’s eye, as he walked past, holding up a homemade rainbow marker sign that read “I love my gay daughter.” How lucky that girl must be to have a dad that cared so much about her, and who didn’t think anything should be done to her. Katya felt a tear or two escape her eyes. Alaska must have noticed because she immediately put her arm around her, and smiled. 

“It’s okay to get emotional up by this, kid.” Alaska reminded her, “It sucks that many people aren’t that lucky.” 

“It’s just,” Katya began wanting to deflect the topic away from her, “Uh, Trixie’s dad would never do anything like that for her.” 

“And yours?” Alaska asked, innocently. 

“N-no,” Katya said shaking, giving Alaska the signal to drop the subject. 

After the parade, everyone headed to the side street at the top of route for the Pride festival. By this point the sun was beating down right over the festival, and the humidity had gotten so bad that Katya felt like she was walking through an endless cloud of hot water. 

“Over here!” Alaska said grabbing Katya’s hand and walking them both over to the front of this old brick church building, with a table and cooler filled with water bottles. Katya looked at the water, looked at the Church sign and stood there nervously as Alaska dug through the ice to grab one. 

“You know you can take one,” Alaska smiled taking a second water bottle and handing it to her. “not all churches are bad for us.”

“We just want you all hydrated,” an older women in a thick southern drawl promised, “You don’t even have to take our flyer,” she explained gesturing to the stack of white papers with a list several LGBT groups and events happening. 

“No that’s okay.” Katya said folding up the paper and putting it in her bag, “I think my girlfriend would really like to see this.”

Alaska thanked the woman, before leading Katya through the crowd.

“Trixie would have loved that!” Katya said, tugging at Alaska’s arm as they entered the start of the festival, “Everyone at her church just tries to change or date her.” Katya explained. 

Alaska smiled as the girls started booth hopping through the area, listening to countless amounts of one minute promotions, spinning multiple prize wheels, and collecting as many pride items as the as the festival had to offer. After hitting nearly every table, the girls split a funnel cake from one of the food trucks, and sat in a grassy area with several other attendees taking advantage of the shade. After a minute, they started to hear high pitched, slurred screams, that sounded all too familiar to Katya. She and Alaska looked over at two men dressed in skimpy leather costumes, holding bottles you knew were filled with more than just water, fighting over some relationship drama, and making a scene in front of the entire park. 

“I knew you fucked him you little slut!” the man with sweat dripping down from his black leather mask yelled out before unscrewing his plastic bottle and tossing the open container at who Katya assumed was his now ex-boyfriend. 

“Gosh,” Katya said as several other leather boys in their friend group rushed over in an attempt to stop the bottle throwing man, “it’s a shame you had to be my driver. You could have had as much fun as those guys.”

“Please,” Alaska said, shaking her head in disbelief, unable to look away from the train wreck unfolding in front of them, “my parents scared me out of that stuff long ago.” 

“Yeah?” Katya asked looking away from the men and up at Alaska, “mine too,” she said simply before returning her attention back to crowd, not wanting her family to ruin what was supposed to be such a magical day for her. 

The guys had been escorted away, and now Katya and Alaska could return to just people watching, with Katya admiring all the creativity everyone put into their looks.

“I should buy some of that for next year.” Katya remarked, eliminating any possibility of her and Alaska getting into a discussion about feelings, as a group of twenty somethings who had doused their entire bodies with different shades of glitter passed them.” 

“Are you sure that isn’t too much?” Alaska pretended to mock, ripping a piece off the funnel cake, and elbowing Katya directly on one of her temporary tattoos. 

As Alaska and Katya watched the sun start to set through the park trees, Trixie was watching a scene of her own unfold as Nathan and his family were just minutes away from arriving. 

“FUDGE!” Trixie’s mom exclaimed as Trixie snickered under her breath at her mom’s inability at the age of 36 to use swear words that didn’t resemble those of a ten year old “the timer for the crescent rolls didn’t go off and now they’re completely ruined! What will Nathan’s family think?” 

“That we don’t typically have six different appetizers with every meal?” Trixie shot back placing a bowl of queso dip on their coffee table, before realizing how distraught her mom actually was about this, “Look, I’m sure everyone will be just fine with everything else you made. It smells really good in here,” Trixie attempted to comfort her. 

Her mom gave Trixie a quick hug before the doorbell rang, and her mom flipped right back to her anxious hostess self, ordering her dad to “grill faster” before shoving Trixie to the door to make small talk outside while her mom finished setting everything up. Nathan’s whole family were in blue and red color coordinated outfits with he and his dad in nearly identical button downs and ties, and Mrs. Davis in a blue dress and red sweater that looked like she’d had in her closet since the 90s. 

Trixie attempted to schmooze with everyone about camp and how wonderful an opportunity it’s been for her, peaking back through the window every once in a while to see her mom dramatically mouth the words “Not yet!” before racing back to the kitchen. In just five minutes, Trixie was already running out of topics to discuss with these people when her mom appeared at the door and invited everyone inside. 

The entire dinner felt like a really painful romantic set up. Anytime Nathan would mention anything, Trixie’s mom felt the need to interject, with “Oh Trixie loves that!”, even with things that didn’t pertain to her whatsoever. She hated feeling like a pawn in this sick little game that she felt she had no say as to whether or not she wanted to be a part of. Even in her own home, Trixie wasn’t measuring up well enough for Nathan as far as her mom was concerned, as she spilled ketchup on her nice white dress and dropped her fork right on the floor, bumping her head against the table as she tried to pick it up. Each time something didn’t go precisely to plan her mom went into full damage control mode, justifying basic mistakes and humanity. 

After dinner the family went into the living room to watch Fireproof, a popular Christian romance movie with poor acting and an even poorer plot line about a guy who tried to win back his woman after he spent too much time fighting fires and saving the town. Trixie’s mom played musical chairs with the seating arrangements in such a way that forced Trixie and Nathan to sit squished together on the couch for the duration of the movie, giving Nathan what Trixie swore was a faint boner every time her thigh pressed too hard on his. 

“Absolutely beautiful,” Mr. Davis declared after the credits began to roll, and Mrs. Mattel turned the lights back on. 

“Wonderful!” Mrs. Davis agreed, picking her purse up from the floor, “Well that was so nice, everyone.” 

“Hold up! Hold Up!” Nathan shouted as his parents began heading towards the door, “Everyone, um, I’ve been looking for a good time to do this, and, I, uh” Nathan began stumbling over his words as Trixie mind started to panic knowing what this was, and at a loss as to how she would respond, “Trixie, we’ve been talking for a while now, and I, uh, was wondering if you’d um, like to go out with me?” 

Trixie could hear a chorus of “Awws” echo throughout the living room, staring anxiously at Trixie waiting for her to respond. As far as she was concerned, she was screwed either way. If she said yes, she’d not only being hurting Katya, regardless of what this actually meant, but she’d be forced into playing around and pretending this was what she wanted. If she said no, her family would be pissed, and more questions would start to circle as to why she is not only not dating, but turned down a boy everyone expected her to be head over heels for. 

“It’s just one date,” she thought to herself, “just keep cancelling, and maybe he’ll move on.”

She took the shakiest deep breath, looked at everyone’s sick beaming faces and at last responded. 

“Sure, Nathan,” she said, painfully trying to force herself to smile, “I’d like that.” She lied right through her teeth.


	19. Weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these are turning into every two or three week updates and I do apologize. Work and personal stuff is getting a bit crazy so that's causing the delay on all this. Thank you guys so much for continuing to read, give kudos and comment. A lot is going on right now and this story is definitely a fun de-stress tool :) as always, follow me at the-rest-is-drag95 to continue my journey of what to post for the next nine month (God this hiatus is brutal) <3

2009

By the time night had fallen, Pride had shifted from a family celebration to a lively dance party in the middle of the streets. Katya and Alaska lasted approximately ten minutes before Katya was told by a security officer that everything was now 21+. They left the event listening to the music and screams blast behind them as they headed back to Alaska’s car. 

“That was incredible!” Katya squealed the second Alaska shut her door, “everything about it was perfect! Thank you.” 

“I’m glad you thought so,” Alaska nodded, turning on the engine and heading back towards the highway.   
Katya pressed her face against Alaska’s passenger window, looking out as the skyline of the city got further and further away with every mile driven. Katya’s sadness grew as the view from her window quickly shifted from tall buildings and billboards, to corn fields and old farm homes with every turn Alaska made. She hated seeing the small “Welcome to” sign as they drove through her town’s only stoplight, reminding her that things like today weren’t meant to last. Alaska turned into Katya’s neighborhood while she slumped down, as if hiding from her home would make it disappear on its own. They came up to her house and there sat her dad’s stupid car, right in front of the driveway, with several lights on, giving her the signal that he was still wide awake. 

“Shit! I never had a chance to wipe off this off,” Katya yelled seemingly out of nowhere, suddenly remembering the wipes she forgot to pack amid all the excitement of the morning, “they can’t fucking see this!” 

“Calm down,” Alaska comforted her, not at all sure the extent of the issue, “how would they feel if you stayed over at my place?” Alaska offered, already driving the car away, so as not to be seen by Katya’s family, “you can wipe all that stuff off and even borrow clothes that don’t smell like sweaty booze.” 

“You’d let me do that?” Katya asked looking up from her seat. 

“Of course,” Alaska said driving out of Katya’s neighborhood as discreetly as possible. 

Alaska’s house made Katya’s look like it was in the middle of New York City. It was only ten minutes away, but it required several wooded back roads on the outskirts of their town. Only the moon and Alaska’s headlights saved them from driving in total darkness. Katya saw several abandoned shacks and boarded up farms that the earth had since reclaimed, growing weeds and vines all along the structures. 

“Who’s that?” Katya asked slightly fearful, referencing a skinny pale woman along the side of the road. 

“I don’t know.” Alaska shrugged, unfazed by everything, “but she’s probably waiting for her dealer.” 

“I hope her kids are okay” Katya said resting up against Alaska’s shoulder, knowing what home was like for her when her mom went to meet her dealer.

At the end of what looked like a dead end road, Alaska turned off suddenly into her driveway. She lived in a double wide trailer with a big deck porch and string of Christmas lights wrapped around it, only half of which actually worked. Alaska shoved the squeaky metal door open, and led Katya through the 70’s style living room, all the way back to her room on the other end of the house. Alaska’s room was small and exactly what Katya pictured, with a large box of paints, tons of makeup piled along the tiny vanity table, and her art pieces taped all around like wall paper.. 

“This room is so cool!” Katya marveled, flopping herself down on the purple bean bag chair in corner. 

“It’s whatever,” Alaska shrugged, flipping on the old AC unit in her window, “Can’t wait until the day I can afford my own place. Fucking college.” 

“I still don’t know if I’m going to go.” Katya said, leaning back further, clearly more upset about that than she was letting on, “It’s fine though. Trixie can go. That should be good enough.” 

“Yeah, but is good enough what you want?” Alaska asked Katya who had a defeated expression Alaska knew all too well. “You sell yourself short,” Alaska stated sympathetically. 

Katya didn’t say anything before changing the subject. It was becoming incredibly clear to Alaska how little this girl was able to open up. She thought that maybe she just saved it all up for her girlfriend, but Alaska had her suspicions that she didn’t get much more out of her than she did. 

“Speaking of Trixie,” Alaska continued, pulling out a cigarette and lighter from her pocket, giving an apologetic look to Katya before lighting, “tell me about her. I feel like you say her name constantly, but I don’t know anything about her.” 

Katya’s cheeks started to blush and Alaska could see the most endearing smile creep along her face, already making it clear to Alaska how important Trixie was to her. 

“She’s just everything,” Katya said, starting to giggle like a schoolgirl, “She’s funny and sarcastic. And always knows what will make me happy. I feel so lucky to have her,” Katya rambled on, totally smitten, “She also has the best boobs.” Katya added a bit quieter, “They’re really fun to press onto.”

“Aw! You’re a cute little top?” Alaska squealed, laughing into her pillow. 

“Yeah,” Katya said, cheeks burning red with embarrassment, realizing this was the first time she was ever able to safely discuss things anything sexual with another person, “….are you?” Katya hesitated, unsure if there were any social rules that deemed that question as appropriate.

“I mostly bottom, but like, whatever happens, it’s cool.” Alaska said nonchalantly, inhaling again, “Sorry,” Alaska apologized rolling on her back, blowing the smoke up towards her ceiling, “I’m trying to quit, but at night it gets hard.” Alaska sighed, looking at the waning cigarette in disgust before another inhale, as if accepting the fate of her addiction. 

“What about you?” Katya asked, hoping that brushing over the subject would show Alaska the lack of judgement she had towards her, “why don’t you have a girlfriend?” 

“It’s just easier not to.” Alaska rolled her eyes before blowing the cigarette smoke out of her mouth. 

The only girlfriend Alaska had had was during her freshman year of college. At first, things were perfect, as they often are at the start of a new relationship. She had never been out before, so everything about it felt like a beautiful escape. They were each other sanctuary in a world where it felt as though no one else was safe. Alaska fell harder than she even knew possible, loving her with all her heart, always finding ways to make her feel as happy as she made Alaska. They lived this blissful honeymoon for the first half of the school year, never wanting this new and exciting life to change. 

In time though, the girl started to pull back, sleeping over less, claiming she was too overwhelmed with school, responding to texts with only one or two vague words, and cancelling and rescheduling dates so often that Alaska started to forget what the original plans even were. 

As she started to pull away and become wrapped up in other things, Alaska grew depressed and paranoid, putting any and all worth into this girl, practically deciding if her day would be good or not based off of what kind of response she got from her each morning. Thanks to her upbringing, Alaska had a lot of fear when it came to abandonment and isolation, and this fear caused her to react much stronger than most people, and become painfully scared when she began seeing the one person she finally felt she could have slip away. 

After a month of living in constant limbo and anxiety, the girl invited Alaska under the pretenses that they were going to watch a movie together, only to be told upon arrival that she was actually no longer interested in being with her, with little explanation or reasoning behind the decision. 

The following month was a struggle just to get out of bed and get things done. She unfairly put one hundred percent of the blame on herself, and obsessively re-read texts and instant messages to see if she could pin point where things began going wrong. One day, three month later in early May she woke up realizing she had wasted her entire freshman year on someone who had probably moved on a month before she ended things, absolutely hating the sad, unmotivated, shell of a person she had turned into as a result of this.   
It was then that Alaska decided it was better just to have short flings and one night stands. No expectations and no broken hearts when they inevitably leave. She never liked relying on other people to care about her anyway. At the end of the day people are only truly committed to themselves. 

Alaska spent the next hour allowing Katya to go into more and more detail about Trixie, dating and how it feels having her first real girlfriend, trying to hide the small amount of disappointment, realizing how long it had been since she last had the opportunity to feel something like that. Wishing, only for a moment, that she could feel it again without the repercussions that came with it.

By the time she was finished it was nearly dawn and the sun was starting to rise once again through the trees surrounding Alaska’s trailer. There was a sense of calm being in the woods, isolated from most people, hearing nothing but frogs and crickets sing on the other side of the thin metal walls. 

“Is there a time you need to be home?” Alaska asked, her voice growing more tired with every word. 

“Not really,” Katya shrugged, “unless your parents need me out or something.” 

“Ha. They haven’t been home in three days,” Alaska explained, scooting over so Katya could join her on the bed. 

“What?! Why?” Katya asked with a strong sense of urgency. 

“Who the fuck cares,” Alaska responded nonchalantly, before turning away from Katya, giving a big yawn as she curled up under her side of the blanket, “Wake me when you feel like it.” 

Katya, growing more tired herself, slid into the other end of the blanket in an attempt to get a few hours of sleep herself. 

“Hey Alaska?” Katya asked meekly, facing the opposite direction of her. 

“Yeah?” she responded through another loud yawn. 

“Thanks. Not just for this but, just everything.” 

“Of course,” Alaska said turning, giving Katya a squeeze, “you can come to me for anything.” 

At around noon the girls finally woke up for good. Alaska gave Katya a pair of shorts and a plain red t shirt, stuffing her old clothes in the bottom of her bag to conceal the smells as well as possible. She led Katya into the kitchen and made both of them coffee and half a box of frozen waffles. 

As Alaska made their food, Katya walked around the fridge, looking at all the pictures of Alaska and her family throughout the years. It looked almost identical to the pictures she had at her house; school pictures with a presumably happy child and candid family photos to make it look to an outsider that everything was okay. Katya thought Alaska looked just like her dad, but she didn’t dare say it out loud. 

After they ate, Alaska helped Katya rub all the tattoos and makeup off of her, and drove her back home. Katya was quiet the entire car ride, clearly saddened and anxious about going back. 

“Want me to drive you to Trixie’s instead?” Alaska offered, pulling into her neighborhood. 

Katya eagerly nodded, and seemed, almost immediately to be in better spirits, until she saw the empty driveway in front of Trixie’s house.

“Crap.” Katya exclaimed remembering what day it was, “she always has church stuff right now.” 

Katya quieted once again, and Alaska turned back around, almost feeling guilty bringing Katya back to her own home. 

“Is your mom at least home? She’s nice.” Alaska asked trying her best to make her feel better. 

“She works till late.” 

“I can drive you there,” Alaska offered.   
“No, its fine,” Katya said, grabbing her bag and opening up the car door, “Trixie should be home soonish. You don’t need to drive me around anywhere else,” 

“Text me if you need me.” Alaska ordered, as Katya closed the passenger door shut. 

Alaska looked down at her car floor the entire time Katya walked up to her house. She just couldn’t watch her walk in there. Once her front door slammed, Alaska drove off as quickly as possible. 

Katya walked in to find her stepdad sitting at her kitchen table, as if he’d been waiting for her to come home. Katya stomach started turning, knowing how angry he got when she was away for too long. 

“Hi, Dad,” Katya said slowly, instinctively clutching her bag a bit tighter so he couldn’t see all that was inside. He looked angry, not losing eye contact the entire time as Katya walked slowly to her sink to grab some water. 

“I didn’t think you’d be gone all night.” He stated sharply, watching her every move, as Katya rapidly drank her water, feeling her throat dry and tighten as she grew more and more uncomfortable, “Would you put that down for two fucking seconds?”

Startled, Katya dropped her cup on the floor spilling the entire rest of her drink. At least she had already learned the hard way never to use glass around him.   
“Fucking idiot,” her stepdad grumbled to himself, “just like your bitch ass mother.” 

Katya’s heart stung hearing him talk about her like that. She grabbed a paper towel and got on the floor to wipe the water up, being on alert the entire time in case he tried something. He walked closer as soon as she stood up, looking down at her, smiling at how much power he could have over her. He put one hand on his shoulder and one on her cheek while Katya stood there, scared and defenseless. 

“Where’d you go last night?” Her father asked.

Katya said nothing, unsure of what answer would cause the least amount of repercussions.

“Answer me when I’m talking to you!” he demanded, pushing her cheek, forcing her face to meet his. 

“Just with a friend from work,” Katya replied sheepishly, knowing how vague and suggestive that probably sounded. 

“Were you doing things with this friend?”

“Why does it matter to you?” Katya asked, her voice shaking and broken.

Her stepdad smiled, “You’re right. Besides, it’s not like many people would want you like that anyway,” he said, moving his hands onto Katya’s ass giving it a squeeze before a look of planned dissatisfaction. It made Katya sick, and self-conscious. “you’re lucky I do.” 

He pressed her up against the kitchen wall and began sucking on her neck, moaning and cooing as he moved further down. She fought back for a second but was smart enough to recognize that in this instance it would do more harm than good. She closed her eyes, trying to imagine herself somewhere safer. This continued, him getting rougher, touching more places, triggering more discomfort both physically and emotionally. 

“That’s what happens when you run off all night,” he stated plainly, at last moving his face slightly away from hers, finishing up what he was doing, before returning back to the TV and yelling at Katya to find somewhere else to go. 

She raced upstairs locking the door shut behind her, pulling her phone out of her bag that had been dead since yesterday and turned it on to find a single message from Trixie, asking if they could hang out after church. Without even responding, she eagerly typed in Trixie’s number hoping to go over there as soon as possible. 

“Hi, Honey,” Trixie responded sweetly, clearly hidden up in her room, away from her own family, “Was Pride everything you dreamed it would be?” 

“Even better, Trix,” Katya began gushing, “People just walking around holding each other, a group of men got into a bitchy fight, and there was even a gay friendly church. They have a rainbow flag right in front. I got a flyer for you.” 

“That sounds incredible,” Trixie sighed, trying to hide her sadness from allowing herself to miss something like that, “Did you wear some cute rainbow clothes?” 

“And a tight, glitter tank top. If you’re lucky I wear them one day for you,” Katya flirted with Trixie, listening to her adorable little girlfriend sighing from being turned on just at the thought of being with her, “You like that, baby?” 

“Shut up,” Trixie playfully whined, smiling through the phone, embarrassed by how easily Katya turned her on. 

Both girls laughed along together. Katya was grateful to finally have someone that could immediately help take her mind off of what happened downstairs, even if it was just through the phone. 

“So are you able to come over? I’ll be home in an hour and I want to hear everything,” Trixie asked in a hushed tone so as not to be heard for her family, “Oh and bring that top.” 

“Consider it done,” Katya said picking up the pride bag, “Oh and you’ll have to tell me how god awful that dinner must have been last night.” 

“Oh,” Trixie said, frozen and unsure as to how to respond, “Sure thing, Kat.” 

Trixie hung up the phone, terrified to tell Katya what she had agreed to. It meant nothing, Trixie knew that, but how was she supposed it convince Katya, who never understood her desperation for pleasing and approval, that she honestly felt as though she had no other choice? Especially now that she had been to pride, and seen how amazing life could be once you get out and see what living authentically feels like. This secret of her sexuality kept building up inside her, feeling further and further pressured down with each passing day. 

Katya arrived, changing into her top right in front of her. It was the first time Trixie had seen Katya’s bare breast. They normally had bras or something else, but this time, she took everything off so her sports bra wouldn’t look ridiculous with the outfit. If Trixie had any questions as to whether or not she was gay, that little sneak peek took all of that away. She felt herself get tighter, wanting to see more, feeling gross as she kept peaking, hoping something would slip and she’d get to see them again. She knew Katya would probably be fine showing them, but Trixie never felt okay asking for such a request. 

“I thought about you the whole time I was there,” Katya smiled, brushing a strand of Trixie’s hair behind her check as the girls faced each other lovingly, “It was a different world, Trix. We need to go back there, even if it’s not for Pride,” Trixie chuckled, as if not taking Katya entirely serious, “seriously the second one of us gets our license we can go. We passed all these cute coffee shops and parks we can explore. That art college over there even has a free art gallery we could go to.”

“I’m glad you had such an amazing time, sweetie,” Trixie said. 

“You can too,” Katya smiled, wondering why she was getting such a lackluster reaction for her, “Hey is everything okay?” Katya asked, growing concerned, “you’ve been super quiet about everything this weekend, did something happen while I was gone?” 

Trixie didn’t say anything, just nodded her head slowly looking down at her bedroom floor, her toes fidgeting against the ground. She didn’t want Katya to hear about Nathan and think what she agreed to actually meant anything, but she knew keeping it from her would only make everything worse. Katya gave her a big hug, promising that she could tell her anything, but Trixie knew this would be the one thing she wasn’t at all prepared for. She slowly moved her eyes up to meet Katya, hugged her knees together, to make her feel slightly less vulnerable, then spoke.

“Kat,” she began, seeing the fear and confusion clearly marked on Katya’s face, “Nathan asked me out last night after dinner. Just right there in front of both our parents.” 

“Gross,” Katya replied, loosening up a little, but clearly still confused as to what the big deal was. “I don’t know why it’s so hard for him to face rejection, anyway.” 

“Um,” Trixie said, beginning to stutter, “I told him yes.” 

“Oh…” Katya sad, immediately looking crushed and perplexed, almost as though she didn’t fully know how to even process that information, or understand what Trixie’s intentions were with this.

“I didn’t mean to, I swear,” Trixie began rambling almost incoherently, “He just went up in front of them and asked me, and it’s not like I could say no right now, you know? I’m supposed to like him, Kat. We’re supposed to be together, get married after graduation, have a couple kids, live here happily and all this other bullshit.”

Katya just looked at Trixie, knowing there was absolutely nothing she could say. She wasn’t wrong feeling anything she was; Trixie was absolutely trapped and it was going to take the kind of courage that Katya knew she couldn’t understand to get out. She wished knew what Trixie needed, but this was the one thing her mother was kind enough to spare her from. Girls like Trixie that didn’t come out were subjected to settling, raising the family they never dreamed of, with a person they never wanted. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t envious of Trixie’s stability. 

“It’s just a date, right?” Katya finally whispered, beginning to worry what this meant for the two of them.

“Of course, honey,” Trixie tried to reassure her, while simultaneously trying to convince herself of the same thing. Not that she wanted it, of course, but she had no idea how things like this would be convincingly broken off. 

"I'm just," Katya began, I know theres no option, but I just don't want you to like, you know pick him, or something." 

"What?!" Trixie exclaimed trying to show Katya how serious she was about her, "I could never do that. You have no idea how much you mean to me," She said placing Katya in her lap, feeling like the shittiest girlfriend alive. 

“Just give him enough reasons to not ask for a second date,” Katya smiled, trying to make light of this situation. 

“Hmm, like what?” Trixie smiled. 

“It shouldn’t be too hard,” Katya offered, before smirking, “showing up should be sufficient,” 

“You bitch!” Trixie laughed before knocking Katya down, pinning her onto the bedroom floor, straddling herself on top, before just awkwardly positioning herself there with no follow through. 

“…..I, I wanted to know what this felt like,” Trixie said, embarrassed, laughing bashfully. 

“And the verdict is?” Katya smiled thumbing Trixie’s red cheeks. 

“This seems like a lot more work,” Trixie confessed, sighing, letting her curls fall and block Katya’s face. 

“It’s nice though,” Katya smiled up at Trixie, “I get to make you happy. And your cute little moans are sweetest things ever.” 

“If you wanna make me happy, just change your bra again,” Trixie said before immediately turning red over what she just said. 

“Wait, did you see them?” Trixie faintly nodded before Katya scooted herself away, very slowly, looking down at herself nervously. She back herself against the side of the bed, fidgeting with her thumbs before asking, “Do you wanna see them again?”

Trixie nodded without saying anything, very nervous and slowly, mentally acknowledging how wrong this would be if anyone were to see her. 

Katya put both hands at the bottom her shirt, slowly pulling it up and off of her, to reveal the nude lace bra that was the only barrier between Trixie, and Katya’s bare breasts. She reached behind her, undoing the clasp, and sliding the bra down and off of her. Trixie stared in wonder. They weren’t particularly full, in fact they were at least half the size of Trixie’s, but Trixie was amazed that one body part could make her feel as light and energized as these did. She felt like a complete pig imagining how it must feel to touch and play with them. 

Trixie scooted over, still blushing, “You can touch them if you want,” Katya told her weakly. 

She was feeling a bit overwhelmed with this, as well as what happened earlier at her house, but wanting desperately for Trixie to help her forget about it. She never liked her dad to be the last person, now that she had been with Trixie. 

“Okay,” Trixie laughed slightly, trying to compose herself, “what would you want me to do?” 

“Whatever you want,” Katya smiled, touching them herself, trying to perk up what little was there, “hands or mouths are supposed to be nice.” 

“People use their mouth?” 

Katya nodded quickly, hoping Trixie wouldn’t ask how she knew that one. 

“Sometimes, it’s nice to press all four of ours together,” Katya continued, fully aware of the embarrassing attempt that was to get Trixie to take off her clothes. 

“Oh!” Trixie said clearly both uncomfortable and excited over what was happening, “Would you like me to..?” 

Katya could feel her own self getting turned on thinking of how soft and smooth they would feel against her bare skin. Moments later Trixie followed Katya, removing her shirt and hot pink bra that was a size too small and nearly squeezing them out of the cups; a thought that turned Katya on even more. 

“Wow!” Katya exclaimed, unable to take her eyes off of Trixie, as she blushed nervously looking down, crossing her arms over her slight folded stomach not wanting Katya to see a single imperfection.

Katya noticed, putting both hands on Trixie’s arms, and kissing her cheek, letting her know she had nothing to worry about. Katya reached for Trixie’s hand leading her to the bed, pushing her down into it before getting on top pressing, massaging and kissing, as Trixie tried her best to be quiet with her parents still home. For Trixie, it was the most incredible sin ever committed, She didn’t know one person could make you feel all of these things and that girls had this kind of beautiful power. When it was happening, she was no longer scared of her parents, or God, or what to do about Nathan, none of that mattered as much as what this felt like. 

After enough time had passed, Trixie wanted to feel what it was like in Katya’s role. They switched positions, allowing Trixie to be the one dominating. This one was a little harder for Katya. She didn’t love the lack of control, and a lot of what Trixie did brought up feelings and flashbacks, even though it was with someone she actually loved. Since beginning their relationship, Katya started learning to channel her discomfort, mentally grounding herself and reminding herself how safe she was. Things like eye contact and communication especially helped her realize everything was okay.

“Softer, baby,” Katya mumbled as Trixie began sucking her nipples, a bit too intensely for Katya’s liking. 

Trixie obliged making everything comfortable and perfect. She topped for a few minutes longer before the girls switched back, recognizing the comfort they both had in those roles. Trixie loved Katya being in charge of her sexually and leading them both. It made everything so exciting, but comforting. 

“You still want to go on that date with him?” Katya smirked, clasping Trixie bra back onto her, kissing Trixie’s back as she finished. 

“You know it’s not about wanting,” Trixie exhaled, not putting her shirt on right away, enjoying the captivated look on Katya’s face, still unable to look away from them for too long, “I could never do anything that great with a boy.” 

“And straight boys are so narcissistic that they usually just assume you’ll bottom,” Katya said scrunching her face, “they don’t even call it topping ‘cause they do it so often it’s just assumed.” 

None of this felt fair to Katya as far as Trixie was concerned. She didn’t deserve any of this back and forth, and having to watch the girl she was with go out with someone else just to keep Trixie deep into the closet. She felt horrible but she also didn’t feel like there was an alternative. If her parents found out, they’d probably send her away to one of those camps where they fix girls like her. They’d never see her the same way, and they certainly wouldn’t allow her to see Katya again. All she could do was hope for a miracle, and hope Katya was patient enough for it to kick in.


	20. Fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might have been slightly inspired by the county fair was in my town this past weekend. More notes at the bottom, but I don't want to give parts of this chapter away. Add me on tumblr at the-rest-is-drag95 to follow my continued search for drag entertainment. At this point I've literally resorted to binge watching Hey Qween interviews cause even All Stars was taken off. It's cool. P.S. Have fun at DragWorld you lucky UK fish :)

All week Nathan did nothing but constantly bother her about when and where they were going to have their date. Not only that, but he even went as far as hinting to the campers that they were interested in each other, commenting on how pretty she was in front of the children, and going on about the fact that they had “grown up” plans this weekend, as if Nathan was old enough to even be considered an adult. It was not only completely inappropriate, but was absolutely humiliating for Trixie. She had no idea how easily preschoolers latched onto supposed romance and turned them into a magical fairytale. The kids would draw pictures of the two of them living in a castle during art and sing that silly children’s song about the two of them kissing in a tree. It was absolutely awful.

Trixie wished she could just invite him out for McDonalds, create a miserable time for both of them and have him call the whole thing quits. Unfortunately, Nathan thought far too highly of himself to allow Trixie to suggest such an idea. 

One date she was looking forward to, however, was Katya’s. The county fair was this weekend and she and Katya planned on going that Friday after they both got off work. It was a yearly tradition, but this time they could actually be one of those cute couple they would always see passing by, even if it was only known to themselves. Trixie felt like she could at last live out some sense of teen rom com normalcy. Friends rode rides together all the time and people thought nothing of it. Plus, once it got dark, no one could see them sneaking a leg rub or hand hold inside the ride. 

“I don’t understand why you’re not taking Nathan tonight,” Trixie’s mom pointed out as Trixie plopped on the floor, trying to strap on her knee pads, “You wouldn’t need to bike all the way there because Nathan has a car.” 

“We’re going to mini golf tomorrow, Mom!” Trixie snapped, irritated by her insistent involvement. 

“I know sweetie, but the county fair is much more romantic.” 

“Katya and I go every year,” Trixie said struggling to put on her hot pink elbow pad with only her non dominant hand, “I’m not breaking that just for a date.” 

Trixie shoved the elbow pad on, then raced out the door, slamming it behind her without explanation, grabbing her bike and taking off. She couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her mother and she needed to get to Katya. 

The fair was in the field just past the restaurant Katya and her mom worked at. It was a half hour bike ride, but well worth it, so as not to be around her parents any more. The plan was for Trixie to get to Katya, and at last meet Alaska before the two of them headed out. 

Although far from her home, Trixie could see the bright, colorful lights from the fairgrounds the entire bike ride over. This fair was the biggest event in their town and everyone made a huge deal out of it, probably because it was one of the only things to look forward to there. The bike ride was relaxing and she got to listen to Britney’s new Circus album, at last understanding what might drive a person to go insane like she did two year ago. She passed by a line of cars all waiting for parking, thankful that she wasn’t in that, and even more so when she thought about being in bumper to bumper traffic with no one but Nathan for company. 

She walked into the restaurant and saw Katya race over from behind the counter the second she saw her walk in. They had to be discreet, so Katya embraced her just enough to show how loved she was. Their awkward lingering made Alaska chuckle from behind the counter. After a hug that felt like forever, Katya placed her hand on Trixie’s shoulder and lead her over to introduce her to Alaska. 

Trixie looked exactly how Alaska pictured, with her wavy curls, and bright yellow tank top that hung loosely. She gave off this tragic ray of sunshine; so sweet and optimistic, but masking a whole lot of sadness. Alaska could see why they worked so well together, finishing each other sentences and doing things in sync. At one point she caught Trixie giving the most genuine smile, just looking as Katya searched for her bag. Trixie saw Alaska noticing, and immediately blushed before going back to a neutral expression. 

“Are you going to the fair tonight too?” Trixie asked Alaska, attempting to make conversation. 

“Yeah we might go for a minute,” Alaska shrugged. 

“She’s going with SHARON,” Katya teased, calling out from the bathroom.

A second or two later, Katya came out from the bathroom wearing a cute green flannel tied around her waist, a white tank top, and the shortest jean shorts Alaska and Trixie had ever seen her in. 

“Okay, werk!” Alaska said smiling watching Trixie just stare, unable to take her eye off of Katya’s ass. 

“Um, who’s Sharon?” Trixie blurted, realizing what she must have looked like. 

There was no one else in the restaurant, but the waitresses for the later shift would be coming in any minute, not to mention Trixie was always on edge about any display of affection in public, even at a place like this. 

“Just this girl I see sometimes,” Alaska said, as she picked up her phone to respond to a text from Sharon. 

“Aw that’s so cute,” Trixie gushed, clearly unaware of what ‘seeing’ actually meant. 

“It’s …something,” Alaska responded, giving a half smile, grabbing a plastic bag with her own clothes in them and racing to the bathroom. 

“This is going to be so much fun,” Katya smiled looking just across the way at the moving lights for all the different rides. 

“Think you’ll be brave enough to go on the zipper this year?” Trixie asked, referencing the high, spinning ride Katya swore every year she would finally go on, before inevitably chickening out right before handing the employee her ticket. 

“I don’t know,” Katya sighed, already feeling the nerves getting the best of her. 

“I’ll protect you if you do, Trixie said giving Katya a hug. 

“You always do,” Katya said, pressing her face against Trixie’s shoulder. It was one of the many signals they came up with for when they were in public, “just make sure there’s enough time to ride through the haunted hayride. Then it’ll be my turn to protect you.”

“Oh my god just get married already,” Alaska whispered loudly enough for only them two to hear, throwing the bag with her work uniform into her larger tote as two set of headlights pulled into the parking lot, one after the other. 

The first car belonged to the twin girls hired for evenings, and the other was a grey one Katya had never seen before. Alaska gave a quick ‘bye” before racing out in her black shorts that made Katya’s look modest, and fitted black spaghetti strap top that cut off around her belly button. Katya saw the car zoom off almost immediately toward the fair   
parking lot. 

Once the other staff came in and relieved her, Trixie locked her bike to the rack outside the restaurant and they began the trek across the street to the fair. Trixie and Katya had gone to the fair so many times by this point that they knew if they went far enough out, they could sneak through the back area of the parking lot and not have to pay the pricey entrance fee. That section was also where all the teens parked to hook up, so everyone avoided that area, making it even easier to break in through. 

They walked a good mile through the dirt and corn stalk leaves that were just beginning to peek through the soil. They got to the grassy parking area and noticed the grey car from before while hearing a familiar voice scream “Yes!” repeatedly, sounding like she was on the verge of an orgasm. Both girls laughed and Katya made a mental note to bother Alaska about it later on. They inched their way through the tiny crawl space between the barns of animals and at last arrived. 

Katya loved how fairs always smelled like sugar and buttery popcorn even if they were nowhere near a food truck. She grabbed Trixie’s hand and immediately dragged her to one of the barns filled with pigs, lambs, and goats. Trixie smiled watching Katya point out her favorites, and try to communicate with them in their pens. 

“We should get a goat!” Katya exclaimed taking the Styrofoam plate of deep fried Oreos from the food stand before grabbing a seat for the two of them at one of the picnic benches. 

“…We can get a dog,” Trixie said narrowing her eyes, jokingly. 

“Well, I think our dog will want some friends…” 

“Yeah?” Trixie asked grabbing one of the greasy golden brown pieces, “so did I. Unfortunately, you were the only one who showed.” 

Katya said nothing, and instead rubbed her foot up and down Trixie’s ankle under the table, making Trixie nearly drop her Oreo right onto the ground.

“Not now,” Trixie whispered, smiling. 

“Why not?” Katya asked taking another bite, “it was good enough for Alaska.” Katya said as the two started snickering. 

After their food, the girls, went on a series of rides, regretting the fact that they had chosen something so fattening, right before going on things known for inducing vomit. 

The zipper was conveniently out of order when Katya and Trixie went up to ride it, so they settled on this Pirate Ship ride that rocked this large boat back and forth, getting higher and higher until it almost rotated the entire way around as some Brad Paisley song blasted throughout the entire fairgrounds. They smiled at each other, thinking of how much moments like this meant to them as the wind from the rocking knocked both girls’ hair all around. 

As dusk fell, the girls got in line for Summer Fright, a haunted summer themed hay ride that took riders to various horror destinations. Most towns had something like that during Halloween, but the girls suspected theirs had it so early because it was cheaper off season. They could hear blood curdling screams coming from the woods as they waited on line. Katya grabbed Trixie hand instinctively, knowing she was easily scared by this type of thing. She could feel Trixie’s palms shaking in hers, and rested her head on her shoulder for extra comfort. 

The hayride pulled up to the gate and a chorus of nervous laughter echoed through the crowd as they filed out. Trixie and Katya both handed the man in an evil clown mask their ticket stub then climbed up, Trixie discreetly gripping Katya’s hand harder, practically cutting off circulation. 

“We’ll be okay, I promise,” Katya whispered, placing her other hand on Trixie’s knee, “The best part about a scary ride is no one will think anything of me holding you,” 

That made Trixie smiled and scoot against her. The ride began, driving through a cloudy cemetery with eerie music playing in the background, and strobe lights flashing. They then came across an old abandoned shack that had things glowing in the windows and creepy characters that only existed in nightmares watching them from outside the house.   
At one point two characters ran in the old car prop that was hooked up in such a way that made it look like it was going to drive after them. 

“I didn’t know my dad lent them his car for this thing,” Katya whispered, causing Trixie to laugh, just before a man in a corpse mask appeared in their section, causing both girls to scream. 

The ride then led them to a lake that had been fogged over, and made to look like something was swimming right up to the edge where their tractor was. Trixie’s heart was pounding so hard, but it felt good having Katya with her the entire time. 

The final part was an abandoned corn field that had evil clowns chasing after them the entire rest of the ride. That one even made Katya a little nervous, because the girls wandered through fields just like that one all the time. 

Trixie was still spooked after they got off the ride, slumping back into Katya’s arms as they walked back to the rest of the fair. She loved how safe it all felt being beside her, even with something no other person would be capable of convincing Trixie of doing, like a haunted ride. Katya had this amazing gift to make everything feel a little less frightening, a quality she desperately needed right now. Her arms felt so warm, and Trixie could still smell her cherry blossom perfume through the restaurant and fairground scents she picked up throughout the day. 

As they walked through the rides, Katya saw Alaska and who she assumed was Sharon behind one of the abandoned bake sale stands. They weren’t kissing, but their faces were close enough together smiling in a way that would be hard for the conservative moms to justify them as just being good friends. It was almost empowering to see them give zero fucks about who saw them. Neither of them paid any mind as to those passing by whispering and shielding their children, some of whom would probably grow up to be just like them. 

Katya thought the two of them were actually kind of cute together. She had never seen Alaska so lit up and comfortable, then again she probably had never seen Alaska immediately after getting fucked. Sharon looked like the lead singer of some underground punk band, which fit into Alaska flazeda personality beautifully. 

“Is she sure they’re not girlfriends?” Trixie asked, watching Sharon play around with Alaska’s shirt straps, never once breaking eye contact. 

“Nah,” Katya sighed, backing behind a porta potty so that the others girls wouldn’t see them, “Alaska doesn’t do that kind of stuff.” 

“Looks like Sharon wants her to…” Trixie replied, watching Sharon place her hand on Alaska’s thigh, discreetly rubbing it up and down. 

“Sharon wants sex. At least, that’s what Alaska thinks,” Katya said, not entirely sure she understood why that was, herself. 

“Don’t we all.” Trixie said flatly, making Katya laugh hysterically, before pulling her into the porta potty to steal a kiss and give her breasts a quick groping, trying to ignore the vile toilet odors surrounding them, “that was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done,” Trixie said laughing as she ran out of the bathroom as quickly as possible. 

“Just wait until Nathan tries to make some moves on you tomorrow,” Katya whispered, pulling her in for a friendly looking hug.

They ended the night with the giant swing ride that lifted them up and spun them around, overlooking the entire fairgrounds. They sat in a double swing, waiting anxiously as the ride lit up, lifting them high above the trees. They could see everything from up there. The smoke from the hayride, all the neon rides, and even the ponies that they went on as kids. Everything seemed so small from up there, including their worries and problems. As they spun around and around, and the air began to hit them, Katya grabbed Trixie’s hand, looking at her the way Sharon looked at Alaska, with that same lack of fear, knowing they were too high and going too fast for anyone to make out their facial expressions. 

“I wish I had a car,” Katya sighed, “We could stay in there and cuddle up together, lying that we were sleeping over at each other’s house. 

“My dad’s gonna give me his old pickup truck once I get my license.” Trixie smiled, thumbing Katya’s hand, “Think of how nice it’ll be to sleep in the back of it. In the woods, under all those stars, doing… whatever.” 

“You’re making me so tight right now,” Katya mouthed, closing her eyes, clearly in a bit of physical discomfort despite loving the idea.

“Are you okay?” Trixie asked, leaning in ever so slightly. 

“Yeah,” Katya answered tightening her lips, “It’s just hurting a little,” Katya said. 

“I’m sorry, baby.” Trixie sympathized, only imagining how shitty it must be to feel triggered and pained just at the thought of being with someone.

The ride came back down and the girls walked dizzily around the fair, people watching as the rides began to close up. They saw Ginger from school walking around with some cute farm-type boy on one arm, and a stuffed panda that he won for her in the other, smirking at Trixie and Katya for seemingly no reason at all before going on her way. 

“I should win you something,” Katya said walking over to the balloon darts, the last game that seemed to be open. 

Trixie rolled her eyes smiling as Katya handed the vendor her ticket and was given four darts in a small lime green container. 

She threw the first one, nearly hitting the balding employee in the head. The second one hit an orange balloon, but bounced off before it was able to pop. Finally she hit a red and yellow one right in a row, giving her enough points to win a small stuffed poodle for Trixie. 

They walked out of the fair gates and ran into Sharon and Alaska who were almost too smitten with each other to even notice the girls coming up to them. Sharon was extremely friendly and welcoming especially compared to her bad girl attire. She noticed Katya and Trixie walking through the parking lot with no clear way to get home and offered to drive them in her car. The interior reeked of cigarettes, giving everything an almost familiar scent. 

“Okay girls, where am I taking you?” Sharon asked putting the car into drive. 

“Um, I can direct you to my house I guess,” Katya shrugged before being interrupted by Alaska. 

“You girls know we don’t have to drive you HOME, right?” Alaska said, not wanting to immediately take them back, knowing their home lives weren’t the safest. 

“Oh…” Katya said turning to Trixie who was at just as much of a loss in terms of what to do, “I don’t know if we have anywhere else…” 

Alaska turned to Sharon, mumbling something about no one being home at her place and Sharon raced out of the parking lot without saying a word. 

“Is my house okay?” Alaska asked as Sharon put her turn signal on, “Sharon has a morning shift so we’ll get you home super early and stuff.” 

Both girls nodded appreciatively before Trixie texted her mom that she was sleeping over with Katya. Katya did nothing knowing her mom wouldn’t notice and that she had no interest in her dad knowing anything. Trixie’s mom shot back a text that she never responded to about how she better get enough sleep. Sharon drove them down the same scary dark road, arriving at Alaska’s. 

Trixie looked around, clearly more uncomfortable about the situation. Katya thought that spending time with only other lesbians made this all really real for Trixie, the same reason she had no interest in Pride. Sharon flopped onto the couch and reached out her arms, allowing Alaska to snuggle in. 

“Let’s do something,’ Alaska said looking up at Sharon smiling, “I don’t wanna go to bed just yet.”

“Alright baby,” Sharon said, smiling back before looking over at Trixie and Katya sitting down on the carpet beneath them, “What do you girls like to do?” 

“We could play Truth or Dare?” Katya asked looking over smiling, hoping that wasn’t the world’s dumbest suggestion. She knew that she and Trixie were significantly younger, but she also didn’t want Sharon and Alaska totally rejecting them because of it.

“Sure,” Sharon said smiling, nudging Alaska to get up so that all of them could sit in a circle, “I haven’t played that since high school.” 

“Same,” Trixie joked, making the entire group giggle a bit. 

Alaska grabbed her phone and placed it in the middle, instructing that the person the antenna pointed at was the one required to answer, and that the person spinning gave out the truth or dare. Alaska spun first and landed on Katya much to her excitement. 

“Alright, Katya, truth or dare?” Alaska asked, looking at Sharon and laughing. 

“Um, I guess I’ll play it safe this round,” Katya said, looking nervously at the group, “truth,” 

“Okay I’ll go easy on you,” Alaska said smiling, “what physical attribute of Trixie’s turns you on most, and why?” 

“Oh, nice,” Katya said, watching Trixie bite her lower lip out of nervousness, “you breasts. They’re really squishy and cute and literally look good in everything. Like, it’s unfair how nice they look compared to everyone else. I could stick my face in them for hours.”

Trixie blushed before grabbing them and pretending to perk them up seductively. Katya laughed sneaking at peak at them as Trixie bounced them slightly. Katya grabbed Alaska’s phone and spun it around, watching it rotate multiple times along the carpet. At last, it landed on Sharon. 

“Ask me anything. I’m and open book,” Sharon offered linking her fingers with Alaska’s. 

“Okay then,” Katya said, thinking of one question that would either go really badly, or end up being totally hilarious, “did you guys have fun back at the fair parking lot?” 

Trixie and Katya bursted out laughing while Alaska and Sharon looked at each other blushing. They went around several more times enjoying the hilarious discomfort of the entire situation that came from not fully knowing each other. At last, they collectively decided this would be the final question, with the antenna landing on Sharon yet again, this time, with Trixie getting to ask. 

“Uh, lets see,” Trixie began, running out of questions, and simultaneously being exhausted, “What do you like about Alaska?” 

“God that’s so Disney Channel,” Sharon smirked, taking out two cigarettes from her pocket and handing one to Alaska before beginning to light, “can I get a different one?” 

“No I think it’s sweet,” Alaska said, sticking her cigarette in Sharon’s lighter, “enlighten me.” 

Alaska was actually a bit excited to hear what the answer was. It was nice to actually feel wanted by someone, even if it was only for the game. Plus, Sharon was pretty, and edgy, but also someone she could almost see herself happy with. She’d never pursue it or anything, but she also wouldn’t hate it if something happened. 

“Well,” Sharon started, smiling at Alaska, “She’s sexy and fun, but also cares a lot. Just a really good person. She makes me happy,” Sharon concluded before wrapping her arms around her, as Alaska desperately tried to conceal her heart beating rapidly. 

Alaska gave Katya and Trixie the spare bedroom to spend the night in. She wasn’t trying to promote them having sex or anything, but she knew that girls didn’t have a lot of places where they could safely be together, and at least here, they didn’t have to worry about being found out. After making sure Trixie and Katya were okay, Alaska lead herself and Sharon to her bedroom, wishing there was a way to approach what was discussed at the end of the game without seeming clingy or overemotional. 

“About fucking time,” Sharon said, backing up Alaska to the edge of her bed, forcing her down and climbing on top, pressing her lips onto Alaska’s, as she parted hers, just enough to allow Sharon’s tongue to play around with hers. 

“I love this so much,” Alaska smiled pushing Sharon’s face away slightly, giving their smiles a chance to meet, taking Sharon’s hands and running them against her chest, “It just feels really, really good.” 

“I’ve been told,” Sharon smirked, pressing her lips into Alaska’s neck, causing her to gasp. 

“I’m serious,” Alaska smiled, patting Sharon’s back gently after calming herself down, “did you mean what you said during that game about why you liked me?” 

Sharon gave Alaska a sympathetic smiled. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her, but a relationship wasn’t something she was interested in, and she could already tell in Alaska’s eye’s that she might be more invested in this than she had initially let on. 

“I mean, kinda,” Sharon shrugged, pulling Alaska close, “but don’t go falling in love with me or anything,” she added, joking, hoping that would lighten Alaska’s mood.

“Well duh,” Alaska said, pretending to brush that comment off so Sharon wouldn’t know how sad that actually made her, “I was just making sure you weren’t getting any ideas,” she lied, forcing a smiled, hoping it would distract Sharon from the sadness in her eyes.

Alaska felt like she could be sick. It wasn’t logical. She knew where they stood from the minute they started, but few things involving romance ever are.   
“We can keep going,” Sharon said, pulling Alaska close, as she slid her hands up Alaska’s shirt, helping her take it off. 

“I loved this top tonight, baby,” Sharon muttered before unfastening her bra, and pressing hard, practically biting, causing Alaska to screech. 

As much as she was enjoying this, each kiss and suck started to give her sad little pangs in her stomach. It hurt knowing Sharon didn’t want anything real, and being with her like this was starting to make her feel worse than not doing it at all. Like an empty promise; something that made her excited, but always ended up falling through. 

“Stoooop,” Alaska whined playfully, hoping she could make up some lame excuse so Sharon wouldn’t actually know she was upset, “they’ll hear us in the other room.” 

“You think they’re not doing the same damn thing?” Sharon laughed, placing her arms around Alaska’s chest, “come on, Lasky,” Sharon cutely pouted. 

“…I need a cigarette,” Alaska said out of nowhere, pushing herself up and away from Sharon, grabbing the box and lighter form her bedside table. 

“Right now?” Sharon asked sitting up, watching Alaska head for her window.

“Nicotine’s a bitch,” Alaska shrugged before lighting her stick and filling her lungs, feeling that brief lightheaded sensation hit her, putting her more at ease. 

Sharon watched Alaska for a second as she just kept repeating the pattern of fiercely inhaling, and blowing out gray cloud after gray cloud of smoke, not making eye contact, or even looking in Sharon’s direction. She wasn’t crying, but Sharon saw her repeadently scrunch her nose to stop it from running. She felt bad. Alaska was a sweet girl, and it was awful knowing how much this was hurting her. 

“What now?” Sharon asked, watching Alaska get the last little bits out of her cigarette before smashing it into her ashtray. 

“I need to stop fucking people actually worth a damn,” Alaska said, smiling over at Sharon, sadly, torn between wanting her to stay so she could magically convince Sharon she wants her, and knowing ultimately it was better if she just let her be for a while, “Are you okay driving home tonight?” Alaska asked reluctantly, hating the way she was behaving, “you can stay on my couch if not but, honestly I just need to be alone right now. I’m sorry. I know this is stupid.” 

“It’s not. I’ll see you around,” Sharon agreed, rubbing Alaska’s hand with sympathy. 

She put her clothes back on and quietly slipped out of the house, so as not to disturb Trixie or Katya. Alaska finally let her tears out, drenching her pillow as she listened to Sharon’s car door shut, before the engine started, and she sped off. She was upset, not only at the situation, but at how she reacted. She knew Sharon would never see her again after what just happened, and it was going to be even worse in the morning, seeing Trixie and Katya being all cute, asking her questions about where Sharon was the entire morning. 

She turned off the light, hoping to eventually cry herself to sleep, putting a second pillow over her head to drown out Trixie’s obnoxious squeals that could be easily heard through the walls. 

Alaska drove them home the next morning, and thankfully, neither of them asked about Sharon. Alaska assumed they could tell by her dreary expression that it was best not to bring it up. Katya kept looking at her through the rear view mirror concerned, but that was thankfully the extent of it. 

Trixie got dropped off first, Alaska looking down at the ground as the girls sweetly kissed each other “goodbye,” as if they weren’t going to see each other tomorrow anyway. Katya slumped back in the seat as Trixie walked up to her house. She was clearly upset but Alaska wasn’t in a mood to really care. She remembered Katya going on yesterday about Trixie having some pretend strait date, so she was assuming that what all of this was about. She began turning the car into drive when she started seeing a couple tears escape Katya’s eyes, realizing they might as well be sad together. 

“Do you wanna grab some ice cream?” Alaska asked Katya looking at her form the back seat, “might make us feel a little better.” She smiled. 

Katya nodded then raced out of the passenger seat, strapping in as Alaska drove them both off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I didn't intend to write any Shalaska. It just kind of happened. We'll see if it continues but I hope you enjoyed :)


	21. Golf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hello there. It's been a bit, hasn't it? 
> 
> For those that don't follow me on Tumblr, a little life update is that at the end of August, I moved to Europe for a year and while it has honestly so far been one of the best decisions I've made for myself, between the move itself, navigating a new country and culture, and trying to create a life for myself here, this kind of took a back seat for the past month. Anyway, I'm really sorry for the sudden disappearance, but I hope you guys are still interested in this story and enjoy this chapter <3

2009

Alaska drove the two of them off to this gas station, turned sandwich shop, turned ice cream parlor that was famous for having the best sundaes and tons small town hospitality. Katya and Alaska got a large brownie sundae to split, and went over to one of the wooden booths to chat. Katya could tell something was off. She thought she heard Sharon drive off late last night, but Alaska hadn’t been in a mood to talk about it all morning. She just continuing through the motions, with a gloomy air about her. 

“Did you girls have fun last night?” Alaska asked, practically monotone, scooping the tip of the whipped cream off with her spoon.

“Yeah,” Katya said blushing, “Trixie’s so cute ‘cause she has no idea what so many things are still. Like she’s always worried she’s being too loud and stuff.” 

“If I were as loud as her, I would be too,” Alaska replied, a bit harsher than intended. 

“…wait. You heard her?” Katya asked as her entire face turned bright red. 

“Pretty sure the whole town did,” 

“Oh…” Katya replied, “Well in her defense she had never had her nipples pinched like that before.” 

“Is that all that was for?” Alaska asked rolling her eyes. 

“Yeah…” Katya sighed, taking a bite of mostly hot fudge, “she’s not ready to have sex yet. I don’t get why. I am.” 

“Give her time,” Alaska shrugged, twirling her spoon around, “she’s religious. Sex is a big step for anyone but especially girls like that.” 

“I guess…” Katya said in a way that seemed as though she had more to say, but didn’t actually verbalize it. 

Deep down, she wanted to talk about how hard it was not taking the lack of physical intimacy personally and feeling horrible for even thinking that way. She needed that voice of reason from Alaska that she always provided, but that would mean going into far more detail than she would like to about her life and why she probably felt the way she did. She didn’t even love that Trixie knew as much as she did, let alone Alaska who despite being close, had only really known her for over a little over a month. 

Katya simply carried on, chatting as the pile in their bowl got smaller and smaller with every bite. 

“She left last night,” Alaska said changing subjects entirely, taking the last glob of ice cream from the bowl, “It’s all so stupid” She explained, nearly emotionless. 

Alaska could feel herself getting sadder, thinking about yet another person not wanting to be with her. It didn’t need to be about sex when she was with her, but of course, that was probably the problem. They could do whatever and Alaska would be content. 

Katya smiled at her sympathetically and went over to the other side of the table to give her a hug, feeling guilty that she had been going on about her and Trixie’s sex life while this was all going on in Alaska’s head. 

“It’s not your fault, you know,” Katya said once she returned to her seat, “Sharon would probably do that no matter who she was with,” Katya explained, “and for the record, I think she really messed up with this. You guys were good together.” 

Alaska shrugged, grateful for Katya’s kind words, but having trouble believing them herself. Sharon probably had a new girl every few months and in a week’s time wouldn’t even remember Alaska’s name. It hurt knowing how you could mean so little to someone who mattered so much to you. 

“And now you see why I don’t let myself like people,” Alaska said, biting her lip, trying not to cry. 

“Yeah but isn’t that lonely?” Katya asked thinking about how lost she’d be without someone like Trixie around her. 

“Isn’t this?” Alaska asked, looking down at the wooden table.

Alaska didn’t have a ton of friends here growing up, she wasted so much time trying to hide her sexuality that she didn’t let a lot of people get to know her. Most of her teen years were spent locked up in her room, angry that she was the one who had to bear this burden of being seen as different and immoral. Her parents would preach all the time about how gay people were abominations and sinners, not seeing the irony that everything they themselves did was wrong in one way or another as far as far as their religion was concerned. It’s funny how quick people are to pick and choose what the bible actually said, to fit their own agenda rather than one of the higher power they claim to worship. 

She never explicitly told them, but Alaska figured it was pretty obvious when she never brought a boy home and always seemed to be making new friends that would come over for a sleepover or two, then never been seen again. . 

Alaska took Katya home as soon as they finished. She was tired of being around people and needed some time alone. She drove the long abandoned pathway back to her trailer, seeing her parents’ rusted car parked out front and assumed they had finally made it home. They bombarded her for five minutes about the place being a “fucking disaster,” and that Alaska needed to start earning her keep around there. She halfheartedly indulged them, then locked the door behind her in her room, lighting a cigarette as she let the songs on her iPod put her back to sleep. 

After an hour of avoiding her own reality by playing video games, Trixie finally went up to room noting two God awful outfit combinations that her mom must have picked out laid across her bed. She examined the sad purple sleeveless dress, and the pink plaid shirt and matching white shirt, deciding which she’d rather be caught dead wearing. It wasn’t worth the fight with her mom, and she might as well wear something ugly, since she desperately needed this to go as poorly as possible. She ended up choosing the pink plaid shirt and matching white skirt. It wasn’t hideous, but it definitely made her look like the good little strait girl her mother always wanted. She curled her blond hair with the curling iron just enough that no one could tell her she didn’t try, then went down stairs to the kitchen to kill time until Nathan showed up. 

“Aw,” Her mom smiled as Trixie rounded the corner to the kitchen, “Look at my darling little girl.” 

Trixie forced a half smile, pulling her chair out from the kitchen table and mindlessly flipping through this month’s Seventeen Magazine. Trixie always thought it was funny how these articles about staying true to yourself and having someone like you for your personality were all written exclusively by girls that could be mistaken for models and girls where being normal and popular came as naturally as breathing. She flipped to a page with a perfume sample, ripped it out and rubbed it all over her body. 

“Trixie honestly,” her mom said rolling her eyes, “grandma got you that nice Marc Jacobs bottle for your birthday.” 

“That’s all the way upstairs,” Trixie shot back, “besides, this editor says this will make it impossible for anyone to resist my mature, yet, girlish scent,” Trixie said, somewhat   
mockingly holding up the magazine page to that exact quote written in hot pink font. 

After finding time to flip through the magazine twice, the doorbell finally rang and Trixie’s mom went into a total panic shoving her daughter towards the door, and flinging Trixie’s magazine out of sight. Nathan stood on their stoop, looking basically the same way that he did every day, in one of his plaid button down’s and khaki pants. He blushed as soon as Trixie stepped out of the doorway, eyeing her up and down like she was in some kind of cattle show. She looked gorgeous as far as Nathan was concerned, the white skit was cut just low enough for Nathan to see her long, thick legs, and the pink shirt was slightly snug, making it hug every curve, and barely button along the breast area. 

“Do you need anything before we get going?” Nathan asked Trixie before leading both of them to his car. 

The mini golf course was a staple in their town. It was slightly run down and in desperate need of a paint job, but it was a decent spot for a date, especially one where you didn’t care about focusing on the other person. The place had a small arcade in the lobby area and despite her protests, Nathan insisted on playing the crane game over and over, wasting a total of fourteen dollars, just so he could win Trixie a stuffed Dolphin that she didn’t want to begin with. 

“Why Mr. Nathan Davis,” Jinx, the owner’s wife marveled as Nathan went up to pay for their game, “You must be finishing up your studies soon, aren’t ya?” 

“Yes ma’am,” Nathan smiled handing Jinx a $10 bill, “Colleges and trade schools keep sending me stuff in the mail. Thinking about out of state, but I don’t know how this one here will handle that,” he says gesturing to Trixie, who was left speechless and pissed off that he’d attempt to make such a suggestion in front of her. 

“Well I certainly wouldn’t want you to base your plans off of me,” she glared grabbing a hot pink golf ball from the bin. 

“Aw aren’t you two sweet together,” Jinx said shaking her head and smiling, “Be sure to stop by after your game, okay?” 

The two nodded then headed out to the first course, a simple straight shot that should be easy to hit in only a stroke or two. Nathan took seven and nearly chucked his ball out into the parking lot. Trixie got a hole in one and Nathan made some stupid joke about beginners luck. The courses that followed were just as pathetic for Nathan. Trixie had no idea how bad of a golfer he was, and began getting second hand embarrassment just watching him hit the ball nearly everywhere but the actual hole. Trixie could see him quietly fuming watching how much easier this sport was for Trixie, as if this golf game was going to be the determining factor for her not liking him. 

The one thing Trixie hated to admit however, was how easy this all was. It was a nice change not having to constantly look over her shoulder, or silently wonder if people actually believed their outings were just friends spending time together. She felt normal with Nathan, which was unfortunately a nice change. Being with Katya never made her feel like that; happy, loved and cared for of course, but never normal. 

After the game, Trixie and Nathan headed inside the golf shack to return their clubs. Jinx was still at the front desk and just couldn’t resist talking to the local hero about all of his brilliant plans. 

“So tell me, Nathan,” Jinx asked anxiously, coming out from behind the register, “how long have y’all been together?” 

Trixie nearly chocked on the water she was swallowing from her bottle. 

“Not long at all, but it sure feels like forever,” Nathan smiled, a bit too eagerly. 

“That’s how you know it’s right,” Jinx added. 

It was disgusting seeing the two of them smile over something like this. The only reason she was even there, was because this awful town wouldn’t let someone like Katya take Nathan’s place. 

Jinx and Nathan continued to ramble a little more about how he and Trixie met, their work at the camp, and basically every interaction they had, as Nathan created these fabricated stories to make it seem as though this date was only a matter of time. Trixie would smile and nod when necessary, because even though he was lying, Trixie couldn’t let anyone else know that. If she did, there would be questions that Trixie didn’t know how to provide answers to. If only they didn’t care, or things were big enough that her personal life didn’t instantly become the front page of the metaphorical gossip column. 

After rambling on for far longer than Trixie felt necessary, everyone said goodbye and Nathan suggested they go somewhere to eat. As luck would have it, it seemed the only restaurant anyone from that church knew about was the same one she and her family went to every Sunday. Nathan pulled into the parking lot as Trixie grumbled to herself, thinking about how she’d be back here again in just twenty four hours. They walked in the front door, and there stood Ginger right behind the hostess podium, but instead of her usually eye roll, she simply nodded, impressed the second she saw Nathan was with her. 

“Just two seats,” Nathan said to Ginger, placing his arm across Trixie waist, causing her to scoot closer into him in order to continue the narrative. 

It startled her, but didn’t feel as awful as she thought it would. He held her close, but not in a creepy or territorial way, just enough to show that he wanted her to feel comfortable and okay with him. It was almost endearing and she began feeling a bit bad for him that she would never be able to reciprocate those feelings. 

“I guess you were somehow able to find a good one,” Ginger whispered only to Trixie, looking at Nathan’s hand placement as she led them to their table. 

Trixie sighed, exhausted by all the comments she was receiving today. The irony of coming here was that for months she had wished she could bring a significant other here just like everyone else. Now she only wished it could be a different person on the other end of the table. After they ordered, Nathan and Trixie got to talking about the campers, joking about the silly things some of them did, and making fun of the bratty ones that bossed the rest of the kids around. Eventually the conversation transitioned from children to hobbies, family, and the usual town gossip. It was almost becoming enjoyable. Nathan wasn’t such an awful person once he dropped his silly façade. He could hold a decent conversation and became someone Trixie was actually starting to enjoy chatting with. 

He told her so much of his church involvement, much like Trixie’s, was fueled by his family. Having a mother that headed Sunday school made it next to impossible to miss church, so he realized he might as well dive all in in since there was no real alternative. He almost looked sad when explain it all, something Trixie was unfortunately extremely familiar with. 

By the time they brought their desserts, Trixie found they actually enjoyed some of the same things and were able to have good back and forth. The thing that still bothered Trixie, was that much like at mini golf, so much of the enjoyment was also that she actually felt free to enjoy his company since everyone was nothing but encouraging seeing the two of them together. She didn’t want him, but she’d be lying to herself if she said the simplicity wasn’t tempting. 

Once they ate, she and Nathan got back in the car, finding themselves driving all around town, towards the woods. Everything was full and green and there was a sense of peace she hadn’t felt in a long time. Her mom knew where she was, and would actually be pleased to see it go longer, and someone stumbling across them could only help her. They parked along a stream and Nathan grabbed two cokes for them, as they sat watching the minnows speed through the running water, talking mindlessly, Trixie catching a couple glimpses of Nathan smiling down at her. 

“You don’t like him, you just like this feeling,” she thought to herself as he wrapped his arm around her once again, “this would be a million times better with Katya. Just stop caring so much about other people.” 

He rubbed his hands up and down the curves of her waist just like Katya often did. It wasn’t quiet as nice; his hands were much less careful and it didn’t give her the same safe feeling, but it wasn’t awful either, just nothing worth noting. She scooted in closer as Nathan squeezed her tight, angered that she was giving in to him. Was she so scared of her parents that she was willing to sacrifice she and Katya’s happiness to make them believe this what she was? 

Nathan drove her back home as dusk started fall. He put on a Miranda Lambert CD for background noise, alternating his eyes between the road and Trixie. He had fallen so hard and there she was just sitting there wondering how long shed be expected to keep this up for. They pulled up in front of her house and Trixie could see him shaking, looking down at his seat, it would almost be endearing if it weren’t so unfortunate. 

“I had a lot of fun today, Trixie,” Nathan smiled, unbuckling his seat belt, “Do you think that maybe you’d wanna do it again sometime?”

This is exactly what she was worried about. She knew anything further would really hurt Katya and she didn’t want to feel forced into spending time with someone she knew she was only hurting in the long run. The problem was, if she said no, it would only be a matter of time before her mom would start bugging her about someone else. At least with Nathan things could be a bit controlled and they could go out on a few more dates, she could make up some tragic reason not to continue and pretend to be too sad to date anyone else for a while, all to distract her mom from noticing what was really going on. 

“Sure,” Trixie smiled, just enough to convince him, I’m sure we could find something fun. I’ll see you at church tomorrow.” She gave him a hug before getting out of the car and walking back into the house. 

“Well why didn’t you invite him in?” Trixie’s mom demanded the second she swung the door open. 

“I don’t know, I didn’t think about it,” Trixie snapped grabbing the bag of Cheetos from the counter. 

“Honey that’s enough for tonight,” her mom said grabbing the bag out of her hand and placing it on top of the fridge. 

“You don’t even know what I ate today!” 

“No, but I know what happens when girls sit around in their room all summer,” 

“Oh my goodness I already have a second date mom,” Trixie yelled storming up her steps.

Trixie slammed the door behind her passing her full length mirror on her way to her bed, wondering if her mom was right that she had gotten bigger. She didn’t think so, but puberty was having a great time making everything so disproportionate for her. Besides, anyone could feel huge if they cuddled up with Katya all the time. She wanted to call her to talk about it, but that would mean also having to talk about her date, which she would at some point need to touch on the fact that she agreed to a second one; something she had no interest in doing. 

Everything was starting to make her feel so alone.

The next day Trixie got up early wearing her neck-high white lace dress that looked like it had been modeled after a wedding dress from the 1800’s. Trixie hated it, and it was far too warm to wear it in summer, but between Nathan and Katya she was running out of church appropriate outfits. Summers were when Sunday School was out, so Trixie could go back to her normal routine of sneaking her phone into the bathroom and daydreaming through the service. 

On her second trip to that bathroom that morning Trixie stood in the back, outside the stall reading a text from Katya, when she got startled by the toilet flushing and shoved her phone in the cornet of the sink, and positioning her body to that it couldn’t be seen. She exhaled a sigh of relief when she saw a very exhausted Adore drag herself out of the stall giving a half smile to Trixie as she began washing her hands. Even though years had passed since the incident in the classroom, Trixie and Adore never really interacted, despite both of them at one point being pretty close. It would probably always be the elephant in the room, and it must drive Adore insane wondering what might have been had Trixie not forgotten that stupid sweater. Trixie didn’t blame her though, if the roles were reversed, and some kid in her class walking in on her and Katya like that she’d probably hate them too. 

“How’s the summer camp going?” Adore asked probably more out of politeness than anything. 

“It’s nice,” Trixie said vaguely, “A lot of work though. These kids need constant attention.” 

“I remember,” Adore smiled, then quickly went back to neutral. Trixie figured Adore had more bad memories than good at this point, but had to be kind and save face. Trixie knew all too well how draining a task that could be. 

“How’s the new baby?” Trixie asked, remembering that Adore had just had her third child at the end of the school year. She wondered if her birthday was close to Katya’s, but didn’t have a good way of asking without it seeming weird. 

“He’s good,” Adore sighed, “not sleeping through the night or anything, but that’s the way it is I guess.” 

She looked miserable. Trixie wanted to ask her how often she regretted settling. If she ever talked to Ms. Courtney, and if so how she was doing. Was Courtney able to get out? Does she have a girlfriend? Is she happy? But instead, she just offered her babysitting services. 

“We could always use more sitters,” Adore said, referencing “we” as the man she was forced to marry thanks to Trixie. 

“I should head back to the chapel,” Trixie shrugged after a long awkward silence of them two just staring, hoping the other would come up with something to say, “this is my second bathroom break in an hour, and my mom’s either going to think I’m sick, or will catch onto my texting and make me leave my phone in the car.” 

“Yeah, I should get back too,” she sighed, “It’s almost time for his next bottle,” 

Trixie nodded and the two of them walked out, Trixie, so uncomfortable that she was unaware that her phone was still in the corner. 

She sat at her pew with the rest of her family, pretending to follow along while all the while, having wonderful fantasies of her and Katya. Some sexual, but other just sweet and domestic, like living in their own home together, raising a pet, and going on wonderful European vacations neither would probably ever have a Passport, much less the money, for. 

After the service, Nathan cornered her close to the donut tray, offering her a chocolate glazed that she could just as easily have grabbed herself. Trixie smiled and nodded as usual while Nathan rambled on, knowing her need to show interest, especially around all of these people. 

Mrs. Mattel came over to them gushing, saying she was going to go use the restroom and that Nathan was more than welcome to join them for lunch after the service, an offer which he agreed to, much to Trixie’s disappointment. While one of their campers came up to distract both of them, asking if they were in love, Mrs. Mattel went over to the bathroom. 

Upon exiting the stall, she noticed a neon flash from a cell phone coming from the corner of the sink area. She opened it up, trying to see whose it might be, and found herself on a screen of a text from Katya that read: My weekends aren’t the same without you. I wish you could ditch church so we could spend the day in bed together. I’m sleepy, but maybe having you underneath could help wake me up ;)

Mrs. Mattel nearly dropped her phone re-reading that message over and over again. At first, it was just processing what it could possibly meant. It all had to stand for something else. There’s no way she would raise a girl like that. Trixie went to church and worked with kids. She had morals and standards and knew the right thing to do in this world. The problem was, as hard as she tried, there was no way she could possibly twist the meaning of this text around. If this were coming from a teenage boy in Trixie’s phone, her mom would know exactly what was going on, making her fearful that this probably wasn’t any different. Maybe it was just Katya, she then thought hopefully. After all, the girl didn’t exactly come from a morally upstanding household. Katya must be encouraging this behavior, which is why Trixie was so unwilling to commit to Nathan. Deep down of course, she knew that might not be entirely what was going on, but she had to believe that. She didn’t want to be the one with a lesbian daughter. How would look to everyone, and how could she live with it. 

Suddenly a slew of future scenarios started playing in her head, from having to silently smile every time someone brought up Trixie never having a boyfriend, to the humiliating family reunions where would bring a girl as her date. It was all too much to take in. She didn’t dare exit the page because she didn’t want Trixie knowing she knew. Maybe if she didn’t say anything it would all magically go away. It didn’t work with much else of course, but it was all she could hold onto. 

She put on a good front, and walked back over to the reception area, looking at her beautiful daughter with her bright smile and luscious curls, looking proper and feminine in her while lace dress. There was no way someone like that could be a lesbian. Even the word sounded wrong and disgusting. 

When Trixie wasn’t looking, she slipped her phone back into her purse. If Trixie knew she had it, she might try to hint at questions to see if her mom read anything, something she just wasn’t ready to have happen yet. 

They all got their stuff and headed out to the red minivan. Nathan took Trixie’s hand as they crossed into the parking lot, and Trixie obliged without even thinking, giving her mom some comfort. On the drive over, her mom could see through the rear view mirror Nathan wrapping his arms around her daughter, pulling her in close to make her comfortable. It was beautiful, and exactly what she wanted for her. A happy, normal romance every mother dreams of for their child. It had to be Katya’s fault. 

Throughout the meal Mrs. Mattel continued looking for signs that the two of them were happy. Every subtle touch, movement and smile helped convince herself that this is who her daughter was and what she wanted. All fear had left her mind until the car door shut and Trixie announced, “I promised Katya we’d hang out after church. We can drop Nathan off on our way back.” 

Shattered. The last thing she wanted right now was for Trixie to constantly be around her, getting things in her head that this was the kind of lifestyle she wanted for herself. 

“Trixie, sweetie, we already have plans,” Mrs. Mattel blurted out in a fit of desperation, causing everyone in the car to look to her for further explanation, “We have to go to go to Walmart. You need new clothes,” she said slowly, as if unsure of her own words. 

“My clothes are fine-“ 

“Nathan, wouldn’t you love to see Trixie in some beautiful new outfits?” Mrs. Mattel interjected, looking back at him. 

“Um, sure I guess.” Nathan said looking down at Trixie, “but honestly I think she’d look beautiful in anything.” 

“Aw isn’t he the sweetest?” Mrs. Mattel asked turning to her husband, who nodded, also wondering what exactly his wife was getting at, “Nathan you must come with us. Trixie will love the encouragement from you.” 

Trixie sighed, pulling out her phone, seeing the series of messages Katya had left her, before responding back, letting Katya know her mom was preventing them from spending time together, again. Katya said it was okay, but Trixie knew it wasn’t for either of them. They were each other’s sanctuary from everything else hard in their lives. Lately that time together was becoming less and less frequent between work, church, and this romantic act Trixie had to keep putting on. It was making both of them feel horrible. 

Walmart was its usual irritation. Her dad went off, as far away from the chaos as possible, as her mom treated her like a runner-up beauty pageant contestant. She judged every hem and seam of the mass produced outfits she had on, whispering snide comments away from Nathan’s ear all the while about how they didn’t have any bigger sizes, or how much better things would look if she brushed her hair. 

After Walmart, Mrs. Mattel conveniently found a way to incorporate Nathan into everything her family had to do that day. Trixie was starting to grow sick of having him just there, useless and taking up space. Even her mom seemed more tense having him. All Trixie could do at this point was sit there quietly like the good girl she was supposed to be and do what she needed to in order to please her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really can't tell you guys enough how nice it feels to finally be putting something up here again. I actually have been writing multiple chapters and finding lot of places to write and get inspiration from (It's just the editing and finding good WiFi that has been the biggest challenge haha) , so I'm hoping that the updates that follow will take the normal 1-2 weeks. Definitely be sure to follow my tumblr the-rest-is-drag95 so you can stay more up to date on not only drag, but also the craziness that has become my life :)


	22. Basement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We still don't have WiFi and I'm currently mooching off the local Starbucks for the 1000th time and they probably think I have no life, but I'm so excited to bring you guys another chapter. I was so scared that my taking some time away from this would make everyone lose interest but you all have been so sweet with your hits, kudos, and comments and I appreciate it so much, especially now. 
> 
> I really hope you like this one and as always, follow me on The-Rest-is Drag95. I'll probably just reblogging a ton of Unhhhh GIFs but they'll have a ton of heart behind them lol (I'm so excited, y'all)

2009 

Trixie stayed in her bed ten extra minutes after her obnoxious alarm blared through her room that next morning, giving herself the all too familiar pep talk that in a matter of hours she would be done with work and be free to return to her bed once again, maybe even with Katya lying next to her. 

Nathan didn’t go home until 9:00 last night, leaving Trixie virtually no time for anything before she was to go to sleep, wake up, report to camp, and be stuck seeing him again. She couldn’t even tell you what they did at with all of that time, as her mom insisted on hopping them around from location to location, desperate for him to continue accompanying them. The whole time all Trixie could think about was Katya. She missed being able to be social with someone where things felt genuine. Nothing about Nathan comforted her or made her feel better, other than the fact that it meant her mom wasn’t down her throat demanding answers. 

Seeing Nathan again once she stepped into the camp was awkward and uncomfortable. None of this was fair. Even at church, all of the girls had some sort of say in who they could date and spend time with. Trixie telling Nathan that she would see him again was nothing more than pure strategy. She had a decent time at best and the idea of doing anything more with him made her incredibly uncomfortable. Still, Nathan took that acceptance and ran with it, spending the entire day waltzing around the children, speaking to them as if he and Trixie were already engaged. Trixie was then forced to deal with the children coming up to her, asking all sorts of questions, completely inappropriate for preschoolers. 

After work and what Trixie declared as a mandatory stop at McDonalds for an iced coffee, they were just about to turn into the neighborhood when Trixie announced to her mother that Katya would be coming over. 

“Oh no she’s not,” her mom replied back sharply, as if mad just by the sound of her name, “Nathan’s joining us for dinner tonight.” 

“But we just spent the whole day with him yesterday,” Trixie pointed out shoving the plastic straw into her cup so hard she nearly knocked the whole thing out of her own hand. 

“You’re seeing him, aren’t you?” her mom asked putting the car in park, giving Trixie an unexplained side eye, almost as if she was testing her. 

“Yeah, kind of, but-“ 

“So why aren’t you excited to have him come over?” she asked cutting her daughter off, not wanting to hear whatever she had to say next, in case the excuse wasn’t convincing enough, or gave her some reason to worry, again. 

“Am I not allowed to miss my best friend?!” Trixie snapped slamming the car door leaving her mom in the driveway as she stormed into the house, not stopping until she reached her bedroom, and was able to slam the door and shut out everyone in her family

All of these questions began to worry Trixie. Her mom had never cared what she did only a few months earlier. Now her entire job seemed to be micromanaging Trixie’s social life to ensure that she was spending time only with those her mom approved. Trixie didn’t know how, but she wondered if it was possible that her mom was more aware of their romance than Trixie had realized, and if that was why she insisted on Nathan being present in everything they did. It scared Trixie to think about her mom possibly knowing her secret and needed to tell the only person she was able to talk to. 

She grabbed her phone from her bag and called Katya, whispering quieter than ever in case her mom truly did know something. 

“How’s my girl doing?” Katya asked, voice slow and flirty, excited to at last hear Trixie’s voice after the separation that felt like a lifetime, “mom and I are leaving in a minute and then I’ll finally get to see those pretty-“

“Kat,” Trixie interrupted, sounding heavier and scared, letting Katya know something was going on, on the other end, “I think she knows.” 

Katya was so silent that Trixie could hear the faint sounds of restaurant patrons and clanging dishware from the other end of the phone. It wasn’t like Katya, she always had an answer for everything, making this reaction all the more scary for Trixie. Once Katya was finally able to form a coherent response, both girls went into detective mode discussing every possible scenario that could have led to her mother figuring something out, but even they were at a loss. This change in her mom had only happened the last couple days, and Trixie and Katya had barely had any time together for her to see them or figure out where they were. 

“She was definitely at that movie with your dad, right?” Katya questioned, “The night we were all at the fair?” 

“Yeah,” Trixie said, trying hard to not let her panic completely consume her, “they brought back their ticket stubs and everything.” 

Katya could her short breaths on the other end of her phone, only imagining what was going through Trixie’s mind. It all seemed so wrong. Trixie loved her parents and showed nothing but unconditional support and for them, and here they were putting restrictions on their own daughter, making it abundantly clear that they would only truly accept her if she followed their specific idea of how to be and live. 

“Talk to me, Trixie.” Katya said, slipping into the restaurant staff restroom so that no one else could hear this conversation, “anything at all. I’ll listen.” 

“They can’t just find out,” she mumbled, her tone so dark and lifeless, that it nearly scared Katya into going over and getting Trixie herself. 

“I’ll protect you, okay?” Katya said, finding herself tearing up right along with Trixie, “Forget everything they think, and tune out anything they say to make you question if you’re less than. You’re not, Trixie. You’re everything. Especially to me.” 

As true as that probably was, it didn’t make Trixie feel much better. She didn’t want to just forget about all of them, if things became too much. She just wished they were different and could love her regardless of this. Things used to be so good with her family, or at least, she thought they were. They always had things to do together, would make jokes, and had a really strong bond with Trixie being the only daughter. Now she was starting to question even that. 

If her parents were so quick to push her in a direction they believed to be best for her without considering her feelings, were they actually ever as amazing as Trixie had made them out to be? That’s the thing about parents. When you’re young, they’re all you know, and you see them almost like a saint, always having the correct answers and never steering you wrong. Once you grow up, you realize they’re just as human as you are, and not all humans are as good as they claim to be. 

Katya reiterated her love for Trixie one last time, before Trixie hung up, and reluctantly headed downstairs to help her mom with dinner, to prevent dealing with a total screaming match on top of everything else going on. 

“Woah, woah, woah!” Trixie’s dad called out seeing his wife and daughter running around his kitchen after arriving home from work, “we hosting a party here?” 

“Nathan’s coming over tonight,” Trixie’s mom said smiling so hard it looked forced. 

“Ooh, Trix,” her dad teased, giving Trixie a quick nudge, “bet you’re excited for that.” 

“It’s the highlight of my day,” Trixie said flatly, glaring at her mother as she began filling glasses.

Trixie’s mom made spaghetti casserole, Texas toast, and a salad, then proceeded to pester Trixie as to whether or not Nathan actually ate Italian. If Katya were there, she would make some joke about how it didn’t matter, since everything she made was basically glorified American food. 

“But how do you know he likes it?!” Trixie’s mom demanded, slamming the over door shut

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Trixie brushed off not giving two shits as to what Nathan would want. 

“Well, what did he eat with you?!” 

“I don’t remember!”

“Trixie, come on!” 

This went on between the two of them, for the rest of the meal prep, her dad, as usual getting as far away from the commotion as possible, sitting in the living room watching sports highlights and drinking a beer. 

Nathan showed up right on schedule, holding a single rose and tin of lemon squares. 

“Hi Mr. and Mrs. Mattel, thanks so much for inviting me,” Nathan said, handing Trixie’s mom the dessert, “and this is for Trixie.” He said smiling, handing her the rose, while Trixie just awkwardly stood there, wondering how long she could get out of dinner if she offered to go look for a vase for it. 

“Aw that’s so thoughtful!” Mrs. Mattel said to her husband “Trixie, isn’t that thoughtful?” 

“Yeah, if only there was a way to tell Nathan that,” Trixie replied sarcastically. 

Trixie’s mom offered to put the flowers in a vase before she had the chance to, so Trixie was forced to entertain Nathan in half-heartedly flirtatious conversation until the food was served. 

Trixie was by this point used to having Nathan included for their family dinner, but it didn’t mean it ever got any easier, especially now. A scared pit in her stomach stayed permanently there the entire meal, while she tried to force herself to engage lovingly in whatever mundane conversation her family came up with most of which was about all the things she and Nathan were involved in together, which these days was increasing drastically by the day. Trixie hated the fanfare, but at least when he mother was focused on that she was actually nice to her. It used to always be Katya in the spot that Nathan was now occupying practically on a weekly basis. Her mom loved letting Katya spend hours there, avoiding her home and personal issues. Now, she scoffed just at the idea of them even spending time together. Trixie could only imagine how hard it must be for Katya to suddenly have her safe place ripped away before her eyes. She hoped that Katya at least had Alaska to be around now that their time together was getting increasingly less frequent. 

As dinner drew to a close, Mrs. Mattel wasted no time encouraging Trixie to show Nathan the new Poole table they got in their basement, probably hoping that time alone together would do them both some good. 

“I don’t know why she wants us to do this,” Trixie shrugged leading him down the dark steps, hoping Nathan was as unamused as she was, “It’s not like you’ve never seen   
a Poole table before.” 

“Well, maybe this isn’t really about the table…” Nathan added suggestively as if he had just said something so enlightening. 

“No kidding, dipshit,” Trixie thought to herself as she flicked the light on. 

“Okay the anticipation is over,” Trixie said sarcastically lazily gesturing, hoping Nathan went to bed early so that he could finally leave. 

Instead, Nathan stayed silent, looking down at Trixie lovingly, clearly happier than she was to have this time alone. Trixie looked back in the same way, knowing how important it was to show how much she wanted this if she had any hope of keeping her secret. He put his thumbs against her cheeks, brushing them gently against her face, doing very little for Trixie other than making her feel like she needed to sneeze. Still, she played along. Suddenly she felt their faces getting closer as they both learned in. 

“This isn’t so bad…” Trixie tried convincing herself while making a conscious effort to be fully aware of how every touch and movement felt, seeing if she had any capability of forcing herself to be even a little strait. It wasn’t working. 

“You’re so beautiful, Trixie,” Nathan whispered, looking down, visually taking her all in, “can I pick you up?” 

“Sure,” Trixie nodded weakly, forcing a face of contentment. 

He wrapped one arm around her waist and placed the other hand on her ass. Trixie swung her legs on either side of him, squeezing them tightly around him to steady herself. 

“I guess we’ve both thought about this moment for a long time,” Nathan laughed, gesturing to Trixie’s nearly instinctive movements as her helped her onto the Poole table. 

Trixie chuckled along with him, but deep down was irritated at how presumptuous he always was. He leaned in once again. Trixie’s heart pounded for all the wrong reasons, thinking of how she could possibly get herself out of this situation. He wanted to kiss her. She saw his lips parting happily. It was too much. She was fine with pretending romantic gestures, but physical displays of affection was taking it too far. She quickly, without warning or a planned course of action, scooted herself back just before his lips got close enough to touch hers. She felt bad seeing the shock and disappointment on his face. He probably thought he did something horribly wrong. 

“Sorry it’s just,” she began lying, “kissing is still a really big step for me. I want to make sure the time is right.” She made up, for once thankful for her religious upbringing to give her such a perfect excuse. 

Nathan nodded nervously before getting on his high horse trying to convince her that he certainly was not the kind of guy to just go at it in a dingy basement, ignoring that this evening would suggest anything but that. Trixie gave a half smile once he finished and Nathan finally remembered to help her off the table. She looked at the clock and deemed it an acceptable time to lie about needing to go to bed. Nathan agreed politely, thanking the entire Mattel family before heading out to his car. 

“So you guys were down there a while,” her mom smiled as Nathan drove away. 

“Did you use a stopwatch or something?” Trixie fired back gathering her things to take upstairs. 

“Trixie what’s with this attitude?” her mom asked, “I know you had plans with Katya but I thought you’d be happy having the guy you’re seeing over tonight.” 

“I am it’s just-“ Trixie froze not knowing how to proceed, thankfully her mom either out of honesty or desperation for this to mean what she wanted it to, filled in the gaps for her. 

“Are you nervous that this would be your first boyfriend?” her mom asked, smiling sympathetically. 

Trixie nodded considering that wasn’t actually a lie, then continued chatting with her mom, agreeing to whatever narrative her mom had come up with for her to give both she and her mom the answers they needed. 

The rest of the week didn’t get any easier for Trixie. Every day it was questions about Nathan; when their next date was, did she want to talk about boys together, followed by a laundry list of stupid excuses for her needing to be home without spending time with Katya. Finally on Friday, her parents had plans with friends and Trixie was at last able to sneak out after they left. It had felt like forever since the two were last able to see each other, but unfortunately, thanks to everything that had been going on, Trixie wasn’t even able to truly enjoy it. 

“I missed you like crazy,” Katya whined, pulling Trixie onto her bed. 

“Things are getting really bad, Kat,” Trixie sighed backing herself into Katya, allowing herself to be cuddled. 

“I know my sweet girl,” Katya said wrapping her arms around tight, hoping to make provide Trixie with the same comfort and safety that she had given her time and time   
again, but knowing that no matter what she did, it could only be so much right now. 

“My mom is like, actively trying to get me away from you,” Trixie said, scooting herself closer, “she’s so desperate that she even left me and Nathan alone in the basement.” 

“Gross,” Katya said, scrunching her nose against Trixie’s back. 

“Why isn’t the fact that you treat me right good enough for her?” Trixie asked sighing, placing her hands onto of Katya’s. 

“I wish I could tell you, babe,” Katya said beginning to move her hands allowing them to rest on Trixie’s breasts, “I love my Trixie so, so much.” 

“Oh my god get up here already,” Trixie said rolling flat onto her back, allowing Katya to climb up onto her. 

Katya smiled sucking along Trixie’s smooth neck. Trixie loved this, taking in every second of how incredible this all was, ignoring the reality that moments like this might be shorter lived than either of them would like. Worried about having the conversation with Katya that she didn’t know how much more of this she could take. Hoping she would somehow understand and not let this ruin everything they had before this all began. 

Katya started going rougher, fondling her as she continued sucking, surely leaving a mark that would require lot of concealer for the rest of the weekend. God, why did this all have to feel so damn good? She rocked their bodies back and forth placing her hands under Trixie’s shirt, pinching her nipples as Trixie bit her lip so hard it nearly bled, holding onto Katya fiercely, her body still not entirely sure how to react to something that felt like this. 

“You’re cute when you squirm,” Katya chuckled in between breaths 

“It’s hard to hold it all in,” Trixie blushed, savoring every second. 

“Good,” Katya smirked before looking down at Trixie, her face looking more vulnerable as she ran her hands around Trixie’s thighs. 

“Can I,” Katya began breathing heavily, Trixie wasn’t sure if it was the intimacy, or just from nerves, “Can I try taking these off?” 

Trixie body felt like it was about to somehow jump outside of herself with how crazy and exciting Katya was with everything. She imagined the things Katya could do under there, feeling herself getting wet just thinking about it. Katya must have noticed as she rubbed her hands up and down her legs, stopping closer and closer to the elastic on her jean shorts each time, making Trixie’s lower half flinch each time. She wanted it so badly, but any further intimacy was more than Trixie could emotionally handle, and imagine how horrible it would be if they went all the way only to have Trixie end things. It would destroy Katya even more that already will. 

“Not yet,” Trixie smiled weakly, “this was a lot for me already.” 

“Oh,” Katya said, clearly a bit disappointed, “Of course it was. Another time.” 

Trixie hated disappointing her like this. She didn’t deserve this. Neither of them did, but especially not Katya. She was honestly the strongest person Trixie knew. Katya could clearly tell by Trixie vacant expression that something was up. She knew this whole situation with Trixie’s family was taking a toll, but it seemed like something more than that. 

“Kat, what am I supposed to do?” Trixie finally mumbled, “She knows, and I don’t know how, but she does, and there isn’t anything I do to change that now.” 

“Trixie she’s your mom. And she loves you,” Katya said trying to soothe her, knowing too well in reality that didn’t really mean a damn thing. 

“Not after this,” Trixie said in a whisper, shaking her head slowly. 

This had to stop. She loved Katya more than anything but the fear of all of this was getting too strong. It would be better when she was older and could make her own decisions, but now she was at the mercy of her parents’ approval and that wasn’t something she had the luxury of risking right now. She tried in her head to think of a gentle explanation that Katya could take in and understand, but instead, she simply mumbled a phrase destined to destroy Katya's heart. 

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Katya’s body went completely stiff, she didn’t respond right away, as her mind tried to process what Trixie had just implied. Waiting for what she was going to say felt like a century to Trixie. She wanted them together of course, but everything was getting so scary and complicated, and she just hoped Katya would understand that. 

Katya managed to trick herself into thinking it wasn’t actually about breaking up. Surely that reference was coming from something else like them moving too fast sexually, or something. Trixie would never declare something that extreme, especially right in the middle of them being together like this. They loved each other and Trixie wasn’t the kind of person to just give in to temptation like this. She decided to ignore the comment, and just look down at Trixie lovingly, as if she hadn’t said anything, unfairly brushing away the concerned look on Trixie’s face before simply embracing her once again in silence. 

Katya nearly tricked herself into thinking she was actually mistaken until Trixie spoke once again, her tone colder and somber. 

“Kat, I’m serious,”

“Serious about what?” Katya asked, laughing nervously, giving a completely vacant stare, but feeling the inside of her grow more pained the longer she looked down at Trixie. 

“Katya,” Trixie continued, “You know I love everything about you and I wouldn’t do this if-“ 

“No.” 

“It’s not like this is what I want either and-“ 

“No!” 

“Would you just calm down so I can-“ 

“NO!” Katya screamed before grasping down at Trixie to a nearly painful degree, immediately flooding her stomach area with hot, quick tears that didn’t seem to have a break. 

Katya began hyperventilating rapidly against Trixie’s body, a feeling that wouldn’t be able to escape her for a long time. Trixie could feel the vibrations of Katya’s entire body shaking. She had seen her handle things before, but she never witnessed a reaction this intense from her. It was if Trixie was the thing holding her together, and without her everything was destined to crumble. She knew years ago that was something of a possibility, and that it was never truly the best or healthiest thing, but she loved her and didn’t see it as something to be concerned of, until now. 

“We can try again when we’re older,” Trixie squeaked, voice shaky and cracking, “when it doesn’t matter what our parents think. When it’s easier.” 

“Why does it have to be easy?” Katya said, at last lifting up, voice angry and bitter, “I thought you loved me.” 

What was Trixie supposed to say? No amount of logic or reasoning would ever sound good enough to justify hurting her the way she has. She loved this girl more than anything, but there was still that piece inside her that made everything about their situation feel so uneasy and terrifying. It was eating at her constantly and right now that was what she felt she had to change, regardless of how it all made her feel. 

“It’s not like we can’t just go back to being friends like before.” Trixie said, then immediately regretted. 

Katya was completely distraught and there she was already rambling off about how things could just go back to the way they used to be. But it wasn’t the same as it was, and in all honesty it really couldn’t be. They knew each other on deeper of a level than they ever thought possible, and they knew what it was like to love each other. Not that they didn’t love and understand each other before, but now it was different, and going back wasn’t something that could be so easily done. 

“I don’t know how we’re supposed to just do that,” Katya said, her tears at last, stopping, “I know you now. I know what it’s like to see forever with you, Trix. I can’t just forget what that all feels like.” 

“But I don’t want to just lose you…” 

“And I don’t want to be having this conversation, Trixie, but here we are.” Katya said sharply, growing angry and defensive over Trixie’s decision. 

Trixie gave her a kiss on the cheek, before pulling away from Katya one last time. She grabbed her bag and headed for the bedroom door turning back only to say, “If you change your mind, you can always let me know…” 

“Whatever,” Katya rolled her eyes, looking at Trixie with a level of disgust that she never knew she could have for the girl that just minutes ago could seemingly do no wrong, “you too.”

She wasn’t mad at Trixie per say; she wasn’t exactly mad at all, but being angry was a hell of a lot easier than letting her feel the total emptiness she would have if she actually thought about it long enough. 

The halls that lead to the end of Katya’s house had never felt longer. She was short of breath and still trying to mentally process all that had just occurred upstairs. Turning the door handle once she finally reached it was the most agonizing thing in the world. Half of her wanted to race back up those wooden steps and take back everything, but the other half knew that things needed time, but that doing that would only prolong the inevitable. There was no way Trixie could be with her now, and ignoring that reality would only destroy Katya even more in the long run. 

She walked down the street to her own home, passing the large tree they used to climb on, making up beautiful games of make-believe until the sun hid behind the trees. How did they go from that to this? When did everything suddenly get so complicated? If they weren’t both girls, this could be the most beautiful love story of two children growing up together, falling in love, and living happily ever after. If only it could be seen as that same level of aspiration, instead of something to blatantly hide from the world. 

She didn’t know what the future held, and she hated that. She wished she had a fast forward button so she could quickly know how everything ends up playing out. The thought of waiting through every painful second seemed nearly impossible. Still, she knew she had to face every mess she had just created, and figure out a way to make all the pieces eventually fall into some sort of place.


	23. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey there. So it's been a bit, and honestly there isn't one specific reason, just a lot of little things that added up making me not really post or be active on most social media platforms. Long story short, life has been in general kind of all over the place, with adjusting to a new job/country being harder than anticipated, a death in my family and not being there for it, overall writers block, and on the positive side, some honestly incredible trips that I was really fortunate to take. 
> 
> I really hope you like this chapter and that you're still able to like and connect with these characters. I'm really excited to be posting again and I hope you're wanting to continue their journey with me. Follow me at the-rest-is-drag95 to get a better glimpse at what I've been up to, and to see some more drag race fun (I can't believe they've already introduced the Season 11 queens!) Really hoping to update more frequently :) I've missed this place 
> 
> \- Maddy <3

2009

Katya stayed under her blankets for another hour, as if not seeing the world outside of them allowed her to live in denial just a little bit longer. She loved the feeling of them completely overtaking her, even in the warm summer heat. Her bed was rarely a particularly good place, with so much fear, pain, and broken trust looming inside it, but right now it was exactly what she needed. The weight of the fabric was almost like a big hug, soothing her and reminding her she was safe. She never had too many hugs growing up, none that comforted her anyway. She stopped getting tucked in at night by her mom pretty early. Work took over and she was rarely home whenever Katya would go to sleep. She wished it hadn’t been like that. Perhaps it could have prevented someone else from taking on that role. 

She lied under there, listening to nothing but the sound of her own breath, and the cars that would occasionally pass her home, wondering how long she had been under there for, wishing she could just stay under there forever, have time stand still and not have to face anything that just occurred. 

She wanted to talk to someone, but one of the worst parts of this situation was that there was honestly no one to go to. Trixie was her only friend and now she couldn’t even imagine seeing her, much less having a full conversation all about why Trixie no longer wanted her. She couldn’t bother Alaska about these silly teenage things. Alaska didn’t really know her that well and she didn’t want her getting scared off already by Katya, thinking she was nothing more than an emotional basket case that couldn’t handle a breakup. She had never felt so isolated and alone before. 

Time continued to pass under those dark blankets, Katya was starting to get hot and uncomfortable, but each lift of the blanket made her feel naked and exposed. Suddenly, she heard a faint vibration coming from her bedroom dresser, followed by a high pitched “ping” letting her know she had received a text message. She chose to ignore it immediately. Seeing Trixie’s name above that little envelope icon was far too much for her to handle right now. It wasn’t until two more sequentially followed, that she reluctantly threw off her covers like a ripped bandage and opened the phone, planning only to turn it off so she didn’t have to hear from her anymore. 

To Katya’s surprise, Alaska’s name was the one that popped up onto her screen, with three texts sent in a row. 

Alaska: Hey, I know you’re with Trixie but did you accidentally take the register key? 

Alaska: My shift ended 20 minutes ago and we can’t find it anywhere 

Alaska: Nvm, your mom brought it back 

Almost instinctively, without thinking, Katya quickly hit call on Alaska’s number. She didn’t care how annoyed Alaska might be about this, she just needed to know that someone was there for her. 

“Hey it’s all good,” Alaska said, her car door slamming in the background, “It was in your mom’s pocket. Enjoy your night.” 

“…Alaska?” Katya managed to croak out before becoming overcome with a rapid pile of tears, barely able to even hold herself up. 

Alaska could tell what was going on the second she heard Katya. It was something she truly feared for the younger girl, knowing how important the two were to each other. The worst part was, Katya seemed to be the only one completely shocked by it. Although Trixie loved her, Alaska could slowly see the way Trixie became more hesitant and reserved as things got really serious between the two of them. She would hear stories from Katya about Trixie never fully connecting with Katya in the way she wanted her to and how things were starting to become much more empty and distant. Alaska had seen scenes like this play out too many times in her own life to not have reason for doubt.

“Just breathe, sweetie,” Alaska said quietly, knowing that nothing she said could actually fix the situation, but hoping that this would at least not make it worse. 

She was starting to see Katya as the little sister she never had, wanting to protect this sweet girl as much as she could from all the horrors that surrounded her. She didn’t have to think twice to just sit in her car, ignoring any other commitments she had made, in order to be someone on the other end of the phone ready to tell Katya whatever she needed to hear. It took half an hour, but Alaska finally managed to calm Katya enough to get a coherent idea as to how this came about, still not being at all surprised. She always liked Trixie, and in no way blamed her for their situation, but she always felt in the back of her mind that them being together would end up being too much for her. So many people in Trixie’s life were pointing her in one path, and as much as she loved Katya, when you’re young and aren’t always able see any life after high school, it’s easier to side with the majority that holds more power. 

Alaska agreed to come over right away and Katya hung up the phone thinking about how lucky she was to have met her, especially now that she was probably the only person she would have for a while. Since they first met, Alaska had been someone she felt she could go to with anything, and was among the few in her life whose kindness seemed genuine. 

The longer she thought about it, the more she realized how similar they were, even compared to Trixie. She started finding her mind wander, thinking about the ridiculous possibility of Alaska being someone that Katya could be with one day. It came nearly out of nowhere, and Katya knew she was probably only thinking this out of vulnerability and fear that she would never find someone else, but it was certainly a thought that was hard to erase. The idea that Trixie would be the only one seeing her worthy of love terrified her. 

Alaska promised to meet her on the other side of Katya’s neighborhood, behind the woods, since she never knew when Katya’s dad came home, and didn’t want to risk her running into him. Alaska pulled up in her car, rolling the windows down, as Katya sat sullenly on an empty rock. 

“Pretty sure someone got murdered on that,” Alaska teased, looking out at the misty darkness that surrounded Katya. 

It was just beginning to rain, giving everything around them a sad, smokey atmosphere, perfectly mirroring the emotions Katya was feeling. Katya looked down at the large cement blob that sat underneath her and shrugged. Alaska gave her a lighthearted smile, watching Katya reluctantly grab her things and slump on over to the car. 

Katya dissolved into tears once again the second she slammed Alaska’s door shut, curling herself up into the seat, looking scared and totally helpless. Alaska drove in near silence, interjecting a hopeful phrase or two mainly to make herself feel like she could be helpful in this situation. 

Katya pressed her face against Alaska’s passenger window watching the little droplets of rain glide down the window. 

Alaska turned on the radio hoping the music might kill the uncomfortable silence filling the car, but it wasn’t working. Katya just continued to pull herself in closer, looking more and more depressed as each second past. 

They got to Alaska’s house, a place that was starting to have the same sense of comfort she got from Trixie’s. The little dirt walkway that led from the driveway to the front door was starting to become comforting. She was grateful for something that provided such a sense of safety. 

The rain had lit up but everything still felt wet, and the dirt path they took had turned into a squishy mud pit. 

“My shoes are gonna be destroyed,” Alaska laughed trying to tip toe around the brown puddles. 

Suddenly, Katya heard a big screech come out of Alaska, followed by the faint plopping sound coming from a tiny green frog making his way across the mud.   
It was almost silly enough to make Katya laugh. 

“Wish I could be like that…” Katya commented as the frog disappeared into the grass. 

“You wanna be a frog?” Alaska chucked offering her half the umbrella she was carrying. 

“Think about it,” Katya said, “He gets to spend his whole life just minding his own business, doing what he wants. No real obligations or others telling him how important he actually is. Plus if things get scary he can just hop away, and no one thinks anything of it.” 

“That’s true I guess,” Alaska smiled, feeling badly that Katya saw things that way, “I think I’d wanna be a snake.” Alaska jokes just to lighten the mood.   
“Maybe a puppy, everyone loves puppies.” 

“People love you too, Katya,” Alaska tries to reassure her as they walk into the house. 

“Not Trixie,” She mumbled just loudly enough for Alaska to hear it. 

Objectively she knew it wasn’t fair to place that kind of an accusation on Trixie. She knew none of this actually had anything to do with love, and was just the unfortunate way this situation had to play out for the time being. Still though, Katya wished she had been able to be enough to make her forget, or at least not care about everything concerning her family. It wasn’t at all how things like that worked, but she certainly wished hard for it anyway. 

“I do,” Alaska offered shrugging, looking down at the stained living room carpet, making Katya feel a level of fullness she only ever experienced with Trixie, “I get what’s going on and I know how it feels to be you right now. It sucks and it feels like there’s no one and no end in sight. But there is and you’re honestly not alone. You have to believe me on that.” 

Katya nodded, grateful for the validation but not in a place where she was ready to believe it. Alaska’s parents were thankfully gone again, so Katya could be as emotional as needed. They went to Alaska’s room and Alaska immediately pulled out her cigarette box. Katya’s eyes widened as Alaska began flicking her lighter, desperate for one as well. 

“It’s okay,” Katya reassured a hesitant Alaska, taking one in her fingers and sticking it into the small flame, “my mom already gives them to me sometimes. If anyone’s going to turn me into an addict, it’s her,” she added, a bit heavier than intended. 

Alaska laughed out of obligation, but like much of Katya, found this sad and troubling. 

Katya looked up at Alaska through the slight smoked cloud that filled the room. The crop top she made out of an old college orientation tshirt hung just high enough for Katya to see her entire mid-section, and her hair had a slight wave, with two small hair buns on either side of her head. She was so beautiful in the dimly lit bedroom in a way Katya hadn’t really noticed before. She knew it was probably just the shock and loneliness, but Katya wondered if there was any truth to those feelings. 

She watched her inhale once again, watching the tip of the cigarette glow a beautiful burnt orange. Katya knew better than anyone how wrong it was to find this habit so attractive, but Alaska made it look unbelievably sexy. 

After the cigarette break, she and Alaska laid on her bed, Alaska wrapping her arms around Katya to comfort her. It was by no means the first time this had happened, but it was the first time Katya noticed how soft and inviting Alaska’s arms felt against her body. The steadiness of Alaska’s breath was calming, and made her feel grounded amidst the chaos that filled her head. Katya grabbed Alaska’s soft hand wrapped against her stomach, and lifted the hand towards her lips, just enough to plant a small kiss against Alaska’s knuckles. 

“And what was that for?” Alaska asked, unbothered by the gesture. 

“Nothing,” Katya smiled, “I just needed this.” 

“Any time, kid.” 

Katya felt herself ease up hearing Alaska speak to her in a way that suddenly felt so affectionate. It was probably just desperation, it had only been a couple of hours but for Katya, Trixie really did feel like her everything, as unhealthy and damaging as that may be. She wasn’t even good at keeping normal friends, making the prospect of finding a romantic partner feel next to impossible. She got lucky that it was so easy with Trixie, but didn’t see that luck easily repeating itself. 

There was no way Alaska would actually consent to anything blatantly romantic. Katya knew that already. What Katya wondered though, was if something could start as purely sexual, and eventually grew into something more. It was silly, childish and impractical but Katya wanted to feel loved. Trixie took that away from her and Alaska seemed like the only other person that even had a chance of giving it back. 

She began moving herself around slightly, causing Alaska to loosen her grip. She then turned herself, locking eyes with Alaska’s. Alaska gave her a soft smile, a gesture Katya took as permission to continue. Katya wrapped both arms around her, causing Alaska a bit more confusion, but not enough that she was willing to hurt the younger girl’s feelings by stopping it. Suddenly, though, she saw Katya’s head tilt, as she began to plant warm, wet kisses against her neck, over and over, putting out everything, encouraging Alaska to reciprocate. 

“Katya, stop,” Alaska asked kindly, but firmly, letting her know this wouldn’t be happening, “What are you doing?” 

“Just trying to make you happy,” Katya smiled, her voice was slightly flirty, and her eyes sparkled, “Would you prefer this?” 

Katya began rubbing her hands up and down Alaska’s chest. They were smaller than Trixie’s, but much firmer. They felt nice and matured. 

“Kat,” Alaska said slower, sliding Katya’s hands down and away from her body, “that’s not what this is.” 

Katya felt her nose begin to run. She tried to stop her tears from simply pouring out, but they were too strong to hold back. 

“But it can be…” she squeaked out meekly, feeling like a sad little kid again after her parents denied one of the many things she would ask of them growing up. 

“Katya you mean a lot to me, and I meant it when I said I loved you but-“ she took a deep breath, looking at the sobbing young girl in front of her, trying to word everything in a way that wouldn’t completely break the little bit left in her, “not like that.” 

“I just want someone to love me,” Katya whispered, nearly inaudibly. 

“Of course you do. But just touching me isn’t love.” 

“It’s only a couple bases away…”

“No, Katya. Sex isn’t love either,” Alaska explained, shaking her head at how tragically absurd Katya was sounding, “sex is just a way for people to get stuff out.” 

“It’s better than nothing,” Katya shrugged, embarrassed and worried that Alaska would never want to talk to her after this. 

“Do you really think that little of yourself?” Alaska asked, placing a single hand on Katya’s shoulder. 

Katya shrugged again, but eventually began to nod slowly wondering how Alaska was going to see her now, knowing how pathetic she was. With Trixie, physical intimacy made her feel loved and wanted in a way even romance didn’t. Knowing someone wanted her that way gave her a level of validation and confidence that she couldn’t even describe. When she was turned away, it made her feel gross and unlovable, and brought back memories she never wanted to think of. She knew why of course, but she wasn’t about to let Alaska know all of that. 

Alaska pulled the weeping Katya into her lap, resting her head against the younger girl’s shoulder, gripping her tight to help make her feel wanted and safe. Alaska felt horrible looking down at her. The worst part was, if the age difference wasn’t a factor, Alaska could almost see herself being with someone like Katya. They both were into similar things and had personalities that went together. She’d never tell Katya this though, knowing how unfair it would be to make her wait, watching the revolving door of 20-somethings pick up Alaska every Friday night. Chances also were that at some point, Trixie might get over being afraid and want her back. Katya couldn’t see that though. Right now, Katya had trouble just seeing past this weekend.

“You’re gonna be okay, kid,” Alaska promised, smiling softly. 

“…can you please just kiss me or fuck me, or something?” Katya whispered quietly, desperately begging for Alaska, “We can do what you want and everything. I just can’t stand no one ever wanting me again.”

Alaska began stroking the beautiful blond locks that waved along Katya’s head as she thumbed her own hand in Katya’s. She was so young and beautiful with everything to offer the world. How could she not see that she had a lifetime to find people worthy of being with her and how could she see herself as nothing but a one night stand. 

“You’re fifteen,” Alaska sighed, holding onto Katya tightly, “and even if you weren’t, I’d never want you to just be some sloppy hookup. You should have better than that.” 

“But what if I don’t care if I have better?” 

Now Alaska’s heart was the one beginning to break. She couldn’t understand what happened to Katya to make her see everything this way. It was as if she saw Trixie as her one chance at happiness, and without that, she was destined for some empty, loveless ending. Katya never talked about her family, other than expressing disinterest in seeing them. 

She knew the lengths Katya took to avoid them, but that was basically all she knew. Her entire life otherwise was completely unknown to Alaska. She could tell by being around Katya’s mom every day that life hadn’t turned out the way she wanted; perhaps Katya saw her future that dim as well.

“I think that two hours post breakup is too soon to know what you want,” Alaska replied nonchalantly, hoping her tone would overshadow the level of concern she was beginning to have for her young friend. 

The two spent several hours in silence, just cuddled up with each other as one of Alaska’s CD’s played on in the background. Katya was too afraid to look up at Alaska out of pure embarrassment, wondering how she would now see Katya knowing what a fool she had just made of herself. She was so distracted by rejection, that she just went ahead and begged liked an embarrassing little animal for Alaska to love and desire her like that. Katya wasn’t lying though when she said she didn’t care about having better than meaningless sex with her. At least it would be with someone that actually cared, and at least it would be her decision. 

“Please don’t leave me after tonight,” Katya asked, giving Alaska flashbacks of that night with Sharon. 

“I’d never do that,” Alaska said simply, kissing Katya’s cheek, “I know what it’s like to feel like you do right now. With Sharon, it was like I wanted to believe that this could actually be something real, so I managed to create this stupid fantasy.” 

“You get so used to being abandoned, and then the one person who isn’t supposed to leave you does, and it just makes you question everything.” Katya stated, burying her head into Alaska’s chest. 

They spent the rest of the night talking, exchanging sympathies and worrying about what the future held, specifically for Katya, until the sun began to rise, and they finally fell asleep. She tried to remind herself how lucky she was to just have Alaska as a friend and that anything more could potentially ruin things. It wasn’t working, but she knew she had to try. 

That next morning Katya stayed in Alaska’s bed for as long as possible trying to avoid the day. She had been doing a lot of that lately, and it was starting to grow exhausting having to constantly feel like you were trying to escape something. 

By noon, Alaska rolled over towards Katya’s side. Katya could see her entire face scrunch up as the sun glare from the window hit her face perfectly. Her eyes flickered a few times before fully opening, staring directly at Katya. It could have been so sweet and romantic if it wasn’t so awkward and embarrassing. Katya thought about bringing it up and apologizing for how everything happened last night, but figured it would only add to the humiliation. 

“How’d you sleep?” Alaska asked taking in a big yawn, stretching her arms long enough that they almost hit the back board on her bed. 

“…fine.” Katya replied simply, rolling back to the other side. 

As if last night wasn’t horrible enough, Now Katya was determined to behave like a ten year old trying to avoid her questioning mother. She was so mad at herself for reacting this way, but it was almost like autopilot, not knowing how to properly handle this. 

“You don’t have to be like that around me,” Alaska chuckled, placing her hand on Katya’s shoulder in an effort to turn her around, “I told you last night was fine.” 

“It’s just stupid…” Katya grumbled, fighting back Alaska’s efforts. 

“It’s fine,” Alaska said, running her hand up and down Katya’s arm, “You’re not the first person unable to resist me.” 

“Yeah there’s always Sharon,” Katya fought back, then immediately regretted. 

God that was so rude, and the tone was so pointed. She could hear Alaska taking a deep breath to collect herself, and give her time to figure out how to respond cordially. 

“Look all I’m saying is I don’t really care,” Alaska said politely but giving Katya a bit of much deserved side-eye, “We’ve all been there.” 

“I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry.” Katya apologized. 

“I know you are,” Alaska sighed, “It just sucks that it’s true.” 

Alaska scooted away from Katya’s body, sitting herself up on her bed before grabbing her oversized San Francisco sweatshirt that she totally just bought online and covered it over her so her parents wouldn’t think the two of them fucked in her skimpy outfit, if they were to actually ever come home. 

Alaska invited Katya outside so both of them could get some fresh air and hopefully, a bit of perspective. It was so easy amidst all of the chaos to forget how lovely and peaceful it was for Alaska just living out in nature like this. Katya saw a few abandoned beer bottles and a needle or two tucked deep underneath the tall grass, but for the most part it really was just simple and calm. They walked a bit further, coming across the remanence of a hand built shack attached to two of the large trees. Alaska explained that years ago, she and the other kids around here used to play house, doctor, or whatever else they could think up, and that this house was a place for all of them to come together and just be, having fun like they thought they were supposed to, and getting away from their homes for a few hours.

Each year it seemed that more and more neighborhood kids got distracted with homework, school drama and, if they were lucky enough, their new cellphones and didn’t have a need for their old sanctuary anymore. In high school it started getting used again, but as a spot kids could smoke, drink, and fuck without their parents finding out. She had no idea if anybody went in there anymore, but Alaska told Katya that she secretly thought it was kind of sad how a place they used as a hiding spot, was now hiding the very things they went there to try and avoid. Almost like a betrayal to their younger selves. 

They stayed in the woods for a good while. Not too much was said, but it was still nice to be with someone else, especially for Katya. She was still admittedly in denial about Trixie, but she was grateful for Alaska being there when she did get those pangs in her stomach thinking about what was going on. 

Katya and Alaska sat by the shack splitting half a pack of cigarettes before Alaska announced that she needed some alone time and offered to drive Katya back to her home. She didn’t love the idea of going back, but she knew it wasn’t fair to Alaska to continue to crash at her place just to avoid her own pain. 

“Things will get better sooner than you think,” Alaska told her, putting the key in the ignition, “things like this always seem impossible to get through at first, but everyone always does. One day it’s like you wake up and realize you just aren’t sad anymore. Things are almost normal again.” 

Katya didn’t say much during the drive. She wasn’t trying to overwhelm Alaska with her emotions, and Katya didn’t want to make it seem like she was guilt tripping Alaska into spending more time with her just because she was going through a difficult situation. 

Katya breathed a sigh of relief when she noticed the absence of her stepdad’s car in the driveway. At least she could be depressed without having the additional weight of him being there to ruin things. Alaska gave Katya a much needed hug, promising to have her phone on her all evening in case anything really got bad. 

Alaska drove off just before Katya could slam the front door behind her. She walked into her front hallway, feeling her sadness beginning to boil again. Alone and with no one else to call, she sadly walked herself to the living room couch, turned on the TV, and began acquainting herself with her new, lonelier, normal. It was a strange feeling and not one she was sure she’d be able to easily adapt to, but she knew she had to try.


	24. Oreo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm as shocked as you are that this is coming out after only a week. It's a bit shorter but that mostly because it didn't really fit with either larger chapter that comes before or after so I made it its own little thing. Hopefully you like it, I think its fun. I was so scared to post again after such a long break but I'm glad you understand and are still here. You can also follow my tumblr the-rest-is-drag95. I'm there occasionally and have a lot of opinions on this week's AS4 elimination. Anyway, enjoy, comment, all that jazz <3

2009

Trixie’s Saturday didn’t turn out the way she wanted either. She didn’t sleep at all that night before. She felt horrible for Katya, the situation, and even Nathan being used as a pawn in this emotionally destructive game. Hour after hour, she rolled in every positon imaginable, feeling just as strung out and anxious. Everything had completely fallen apart and she had no one to blame but herself. 

Eventually, she saw the sun begin to rise through her curtains, partially grateful she would soon have temporary distractions, miserable as they may be, but simultaneously angered at the thought of having to face an entire day before she could hide from the world once again. Even the idea of picking herself out of her bed and walking to the bathroom began giving her a heavy anxious knot getting tighter and more tangled the longer she allowed herself to think. It scared her to think she’d be miserable either way and it made her even more anxious when she realized she had no idea how long this feeling would last for. 

Trixie always looked forward to Saturdays as the one day of the week that didn’t revolve around God now that she worked the camp, but this situation made today nearly impossible for her to enjoy.

“I could just stay here all day,” she thought to herself as the sun began beaming into her room, creating little pockets of light against her dresser, and bouncing off her mirror.

That mindset worked for a while, covering her entire head over the blankets blocking out any light, until she heard her parents’ bedroom door open, knowing it was only a matter of time before they would begin banging on her door and demanding she “Participate with the family”. 

Being with them was the last things she wanted to do right now. Neither of them had any clue what was really going on in her head and there was no way of justifying any emotions without tipping them off. They were expecting her to be all giddy and content now that Nathan had basically solidified himself into the picture, and she had no safe way of telling them anything about what was really going on. 

Twenty minutes later she heard her mom loudly blasting music from that downstairs radio which was her passive aggressive way of telling Trixie to get out of bed. She drag herself out of her room ten minutes later once the music began to increase again. 

“Going deaf, already mom?” Trixie snarked walking into their kitchen, “I told you to not let those new speakers the cousins sent you get out of control.” 

“No,” Trixie’s mom replied rolling her eyes and switching the radio off, “just didn’t want YOU to spend your whole Saturday in bed.” 

“As opposed to spending it doing…?” 

“Yeah sunshine, we were getting worried for you up there,” her dad chimed in looking up from his cereal, “late night texting the boy?” 

Trixie actively ignore that comment and walked right past him to the coffee maker hoping the caffeine would at least make her look more alive. Her heart dropped again, seeing nothing but an empty bag of coffee grinds and her father’s filled mug next to his bowl. It seems her mother was so concerned about her love life that she forgot that the rest of the house needed attention much more than she did. 

“I’m going to Quick Stop.” She said referencing the local gas station she knew she could get some sort of coffee, and some much needed privacy. 

She slammed the door behind her before her parents could even respond and hoped on her bike, purposefully taking the long way around so as not to risk running into Katya.   
Seeing her blue eyes all watered down and broken, her body so weak and skin even more pale once again would absolutely destroy the little bit of strength she had left in her.   
On she went, passing the same stupid corn fields and abandoned barns she did going most places. Trixie guessed she could see the appeal for some people, but for her, especially now, all she saw around her were miles of dead ends and dreams given up. Everything she didn’t want. Everything she planned on escaping with Katya. Everything she felt herself slowly succumbing to despite what she used to believe. 

The Quick Stop was fairly crowded with lots of guys in pickup trucks, a few motorcyclists and truck drivers crowding the lot. A group of middle aged men leaned up together against one of the pickups, catcalling her the entire walk across the lot into the store. 

“Smile pretty girl!” they all whistled laughing among their group, commenting on how big her ass was, completely ignorant to her age, like many guys around there. 

Trixie always wondered what guys like that attempted to achieve. It’s not like any girl is going to hear that and jump at the opportunity to please some desperate former bachelor well past his prime. 

After getting her coffee, Trixie sat by a tree outside the station dropping several Oreos into her overpriced beverage. It was a weird little quirk of hers that first developed in middle school. All the cool girls were starting to buy their cute drinks but Trixie couldn’t stand the bitterness without adding Oreos in to mask the taste. Katya used to always make fun of her and make her feel so self-conscious, but now she’d do anything to hear her cackling laughter as Trixie dunked them in one by one. 

Across the street, several people were fixing a sign for the big Fourth of July festival next weekend. She and Katya went every year, and made a promise this time to go to a quieter field away from the crowds and watch the fireworks together. 

“I could always go with Nathan…” She grumbled to herself. 

Without Katya, she could really take notice of the little things she never cared to before. Here alone, she could watch the revolving door of people going in to purchase cigarettes and other temporary distractions, and hear conversations at the gas pumps about who overdosed or needs Jesus. Sure she joked all the time about life here and how ready she was to leave, but somehow having someone like Katya around made everything a little easier. They could laugh at their misery together and make the best out of every bad situation thrown at them. Now it was just another run down town that usually just led a person down one of many destructive paths life had to offer. She knew it wasn’t fair to feel sad when she felt like so much of it was her doing anyway, but the loneliness wasn’t getting any easier. 

She had nearly finished her drink when she noticed a familiar face in a sweet little sundress walking across the parking lot towards the gas station door. 

“Oh hey there, Trixie,” Blair said waving the entire walk coming up to her like she was one of the preschoolers.

Blair managed to convince Trixie to accompany her inside the same, after Trixie quickly realized she not only had no other plans, but wasn’t exactly in a position to turn down company at the moment. 

Ten minutes later, armed with two pizza Lunchables and a container of Ben and Jerrys the girls went back outside basking in the hot humid sun, watching cars go by, listening to music blasting out of various car windows. 

“Didn’t these things used to come with little red spreading sticks?” Trixie asked, struggling to spread the pizza sauce around with a piece of pepperoni. 

“I wouldn’t know,” Blair laughed gently. “My parents used to say it was too expensive to get these for all of us so we just had to be happy with whatever else mom made us.” Blair sighed, “But it makes them so special now, you know? Like I actually earned the money used to buy these.” 

Trixie nodded out of obligation and frankly, a bit of pity. Blair was the youngest of eight siblings and probably was told to settle for a lot of things in life, both out of religious obligation, and the fact that there usually wasn’t a lot of space or money to go around. She then began rambling on about her fear of not living up to her family’s expectations and her secret dream of becoming a missionary. Secret, because she knew the responsible thing to do was marry, and have godly children herself. 

“I just don’t know if that’s what God is calling me to do, you know?” Blair asked Trixie completely distraught. 

“Who knows what he wants anyone to do,” Trixie shot back before remembering who she was speaking to, “Look, all I’m saying is you need to follow what’s in your heart,” Trixie spouted, hating the irony. 

Even Blair had an easier time staying true to her convictions than Trixie at the moment. 

“Imagine how amazing it would be to speak the word of God all across the world.” Blair said, seeming to daze off into her own little world, imagining the places she could go, seeing things no one else in her family ever dared to. 

Trixie figured she might as well consider it too now that was just going along with what everyone else asked of her. Her mom would probably be beside herself hearing such plans from the girl she usually had to drag out of the house each Sunday. As long as she still had time to pop out Nathan’s babies every few years. Maybe they could be one of those traveling family bands living in a bunk bed bus singing hymns. It gave her an uncomfortable pit in her stomach just thinking about it. It was certainly a far cry from escaping to a new city living in a cozy studio with Katya. 

What was Trixie even so afraid of? And why did she care so much about impressing a group of people that she didn’t want to be like and whose ideals were driven by the hatred of who she and so many others were. If her own parents weren’t the ringleaders she might have an easier time embracing who she truly was and would probably be more like Katya and accept herself more than others’ opinions. 

After lunch Blair talked Trixie into accompanying her to the local pet store, the closest thing to a zoo or aquarium for miles. Trixie got bit by a hamster that the store employee let them pet, and later knocked into the beta fish shelf with her purse, causing one blue fish to fall to his death on the linoleum floor. Blair immediately insisted on holding a proper burial for the nameless fish behind the store adding another level of embarrassment to this disaster of a day. 

“Do we have any words to say on his behalf?” sweet Blair asked, placing a rock she found onto the dirt mound created for him. 

“Um,” Trixie began, all emotional energy exhausted, “you were a good fish, you know. Just swimming around and doing your thing and all.” 

“We know you were saved, and that there’s a special place in heaven for you.” 

“Yup. Amen.” Trixie slowly nodded, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. 

Trixie made some excuse about her mother texting and said her goodbye’s to Blair. It was getting hard being around her for an entire day, seeing Blair represent everything she hated, and that hated her. The reality of the separation was really setting in and knowing people like Blair were the only ones left was too much to handle. She spent the rest of the afternoon watching reruns of shows she had already seen, which was fine, as she was too tired and upset to focus on any sort of plot right now anyway. She sat in silence, wondering constantly about Katya, if she was okay, what she was doing, and hoping she could find a way to forgive her. She didn’t know love could actually feel like this, or that it could hurt so badly once it ended. 

Around four, she called Nathan, asking him to meet her at the same pond she and Katya had their French date, and officially accepted being his girlfriend. He celebrated by kissing her against a tree, as a fisherman clapped as if to cheering them on. The kiss was worse than she imagined. Nathan practically covered his whole mouth over Trixie’s. His lips were dry and rough and his breath tasted like Kraft mac and cheese. When they finished he made some stupid comment about her being “new at this” and that she would learn from him. Katya never had any complaints about her kissing. 

“I guess I’ll get used to this,” she thought parting her lips once again, smiling with such fake contentment and adoration. 

He did just enough damage to smudge up her bubble gum pink lip gloss around the bottom half of her face, something her mom quietly beamed over once Trixie returned home, not even two hours later. 

“I’m so happy you’re happy,” her mom said before returning to her room for the night. 

If only she cared how wrong that statement truly was.


End file.
